(This story partially inspired by the song Evil Woman by Electric Light Orchestra. I am a huge fan.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVd4XhtpRBc
Tara Bull, Division Manager of Accounts Receiveable at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) in Kankakee, IL decides in a strategy meeting with Chief of Accounting, Konrad “Big Bag” Teirant and CEO Mack E. Avelli that a good strategy to increase revenue for the corporation would be to increase the bottom line. To achieve that objective, the three senior leaders use their synergetic mindset to implement the new increased production metrics.
Since Ms. Bull is Sybil Kibble’s supervisor, she asks said Lead Collections Representative how her team would best achieve those metrics. “My double-down tactic always works,” Sybil advises her superior. “By telling our debtors to pay twice as much as they can afford, they will always pay more.”
“Get ‘er done” Ms. Tara Bull tells Sybil. “I do not care how it gets done. The ends justify the means.”
Sybil and her team spend the eight hour work day making the calls, even skipping breaks at Sybil’s insistence. Dale none too happy, runs in place at his cubicle to kill the stress. Mikey does his usual cleaning, making the toilets clean and sparkly and did not bat an eye. However, something does not get done.
“Sybil! Get over here now!”
Sybil hangs up on her angry caller and works her way over to Ms. Bull’s office.
“You all are not making the metrics!” growls a livid Tara Bull as she chucks a pile of papers at Sybil. “Bring in the bucks or I will fire you all!”
Dale decides to try a different approach. He offers payment plans, and goes around Sybil and Ms. Bull’s hard rules. He finds his stress levels decrease as he is able to help his customers pay their bills and empathizes with them at the same time, as Dale was once down and out himself.
Sybil tries her might and cannot not double down and make her double bonus/Form 4. She thinks to herself that if she could go home and work, she could call people around suppertime and reach more people. After all, it works for telemarketers, right?
Sybil drives her Chrysler LeBaron home, logs into her computer and starts making calls. Not long after 5:30 PM, Sybil hears a knock at the door.
“Who can this be, dag-nammit?” Sybil thinks to herself.
Sybil opens the door to her McMansion. “Hi Sybil. I am sorry to bother you. My cat Holly is missing and I am terrified. Have you–
“Your cat is not here, Kitty, go away,” barks Sybil as she goes back to her typing and calling.
As Kitty searches high and low for her dearest Holly-Cotton all over Kankakee and Bradley, Sybil’s Form 4s pile up. “I am winning! I am getting my Form 4’s! Gimme my Form 4’s!”
Sybil is so excited to collect all that money and make bonuses as a result via the Form 4 bonus and hopefully please her boss, Ms. Tara Bull.
“Man, I gotta pinch a loaf,” Sybil says aloud as she gets up after her last debtor hung up on her.
Meanwhile, a certain Miss Holly-Cotton, who has been hiding out in Sybil’s rather large house, needs a place to go herself. She hops up on Sybil’s messy desk and starts sniffing around. She sniffs a certain pile of papers and jumps on top of it, highlighting the whole thing!
Sybil exits the bathroom, one of many, after bragging about her logs via unintelligible sound effects. She immediately spotts Kitty’s cat Holly on top of what used to be a pile of Form 4’s.
“Oh my gosh, get the heck out of here you little brat-cat! I hate you, you entitled piece of crap!” Sybil shouts at poor Miss Holly-Cotton as if she had done something wrong.
Holly gladly exits the house of Sybil and enters the loving arms of Ms. Kitty, who is waiting outside after having searched all Kankakee County for her long lost fur-baby. Meanwhile, Sybil returns to a useless pile of forms, formerly known as Four. Sybil doubles down on her nightly bowl of doggie chow.