Bernadette’s Wild Animal Idea.

Daily writing prompt
Do you ever see wild animals?

The petless portapotty princess, part-time bog witch and communal narcadoodle known as Bernadette Moran Cacca struts into the local veterinary clinic looking for new fans, kicks and giggles, since attendance at the Manteno Optimal Club has been dwindling.

“May I help you?” the receptionist Flo says with a smile.

“This may be the most important question I’ll ever ask.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What’s going on with your pet?”

“I have to show you something.” Bernadette hands Mary a flyer.

“Why are you supporting a Bradley business. Are you coming to Bradley?”

“No. If you read the sign, we’re in Manteno, we’re a vet clinic. We treat sick animals and give them routine care.”

“Why are you helping a dog group then?”

“We help a different rescue every month.”

“I need more information.”

“Read the sign, make an appointment, call the groomer. We just put the sign up to help the business out plus the dog charity.”

“Why is it in Bradley? It’s so far away. You’re a Manteno group.”

“We serve all of Kankakee County.”

“You should help all animals, not just dogs. Humans too. Even extraterrestrials. You shouldn’t exclude humans from animal spaces! Make like a tree and go get me the manager!”

“She’s busy.”

“You’re so stupid. I just had a dementia test and I aced it! I had a CAT scan and it was perfect! You’re a low IQ. You take the test, see how you do, then you go get some tigers, elephants, giraffes…See, I know my animals!”

“What a jackass…” customer Jen says softly as she cuddles her cat, chortles at Bernadette’s word salad.

“I’m not a donkey I’m a human! What are you looking at? Hello!”

Bernadette doesn’t get her way, so she just drags her feet across the floor then stares at the wall.

Manager Trish Cobb, better known as Gothic Diana Ross, walks out to help de-escalate the unnecessary monkeying around which seemingly emerged from nowhere at all — just Bernadette’s bum.

“I got a perfect mark-up which you would be incapable of doo-doo-doing. You need to get your marks up! You need to get your marks up!”

“Goodbye Barney!

“It’s Bernie!”

“Who?”

“You know me.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m your neighbor, Manteno’s very best do-gooder of charity. I raised $1000 for—“

“I’ll take first name and last name for $1000, Alex.”


“Bernadette Cacca!”

“A little louder please. For the camera.” Gothic Diana cups her ear.

“I’M BERNADETTE MORAN CACCA!” Bern’s stinky breath blows into Diana’s face, right before Bernadette’s own face turns beet red from getting caught, not from realizing she had just caused a scene for no good reason whatsoever, butt of course.

“Goodbye! You, and you and you guys too!” Bernadette sternly screams as storms out the door, to go start trouble somewhere else. Like a dog licking its nads, she does it because she can.

Wally’s Wacky Inventions: Ear Duds!

Five out of three MAGAts recommend Wally Green’s new Ear Duds!

Try the blind-boxed special: Will one Ear Dud continually plop out your ear, or the other? Will the sound quit altogether? Will the Cord From Hell (CFH) get caught up on a doorknob and strangle you?

Buy one, get one Ear Dud half off (but never free) at your neighborhood corner Wally Green’s!

Try the Turd Machine Deluxe, now with larger crapacity! Add your favorite flavors: Sodium phosphate, monosodium glutamate and formaldehyde! Gift your loved ones the life hack that shoots your turds out back!

No dog to blame…

Midwestern housewife Scary Terry Steinke Reynolds has made a new TokTiks account to hopefully earn extra dough while otherwise sitting at home. Meanwhile her fallen-from-grace college president and former road test proctor husband Scary Barry runs his school of Mixed Moronic Arts. Between instructing Albion, Indiana folks howon the important practices of scythe fencing and psychic self-defense, Barry keeps an eye on his wife, who just ripped a big one.

“No I didn’t!” Barry comments, letting Terry’s followers that he’s at work in the comments section. “By the way, we’re running a special on defensive pooping class. Come join me on my live demo now! It’s free!”

Honestly, Carla…

“What’s that noise? It sounds like a dying cow,” Manteno’s very own bog witch, communal narcadoodle and port-o-dump empress Bernadette Moran Cacca shouts at the voice sabotaging her recital practice:

“You’ve been out there and tried to mix with the animals. Then you meet me. And your whole world changes.”

“You wanna know why?”

“Cuz I’m a liar! Yeah I’m a liar! I’ll tear your mind out. I’ll burn your soul. I’ll turn you into me! I’ll turn you–“

“Mom? What the heck are you doing. You don’t even like Henry Rollins.”

“Just give me one more chance, I will never lie to you again…Hahahahahahah. Sucker!” shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and narcadoodle of the self-righteous kind Carla Moran continues to hiss at her daughter Bernadette, who runs upstairs to her washroom and starts playing accordion show-tunes again.

Sybil Kibble’s Tough Decision: The Blue Pill or The Yellow Pill? A video

Daily writing prompt
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

Sixty-five year old Kankakee bill collector and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble wants an even thinner body than she already has, so she calls to order some supposed suppositories, so she thinks.

Sybil asks the customer care rep lots of questions, happy to be on the other side of the headset for a change.

“Do I take the blue pill or the yellow pill? Can I get my package marked? Can I take them with dog bones or do I have to have an empty stomach? Do they make them in blueberry? Lemon? How do these pills work, do they go from my butt to my mouth or the other way around?”

Then she orders a skid.

“Just don’t take the red pill,” JoAnn Kibble advises her daughter Sybil after she hangs up.

Pop-ups, surveys and pictograms.

Daily writing prompt
Name your top three pet peeves.


Useless pop-ups. “It’s like bubble wrap!”
— Sybil Kibble, Kankakee

“Surveys. They are like buttholes, everybody has one. Here’s my opinion: Stop spamming me with your survey sludge!”

— Gothic Diana Ross, Manteno

Pictograms. I can speak seven languages, and pictogram ain’t one of them. Seriously, how hard is to label this mystery meat navigation?
— JenX, teh interwebs

Happy Birthday Robbie Hurlbutt!

Kankakee drugstore clerk, Elvis impersonator and vulnerable narc-a-doodle Robbie Hurlbutt turns 47 today! We hope his birthday is number one.

Robbie sells selfies on the street.

Not these shapeshifting humanoid turkey vultures

Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite animals?

Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vultures like Carla and Sonya Moran spend way too much time ruffling feathers and pecking at people. They also poop wherever they want. 0/10 would not pet.

Toxic College-y

[ Sign the petition inspired by this story and read about what inspired me to write it! ]

Scary Barry Reynolds gets fired from his job as a road-test proctor for the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, and starts his own college called “Dr. Mathew B. Johnson School of Intrepid Arts” in Albion, Indiana, teaching martial arts and telekinesis, a school he named after his favorite academic leader and best friend. 

Gothic Diana Ross gives her TV the side-eye

“Become as powerful as the Dragonball Y characters you see on TV! Develop your real life martial-arts skills, and when you get to your senior year, you’ll become a PSI-ball master!” 

“Not this ad again…” Gothic Diana Ross says across the Indiana border in Manteno, Illinois at the slate Victorian home where she and her bandmates reside. “Who wants to go to Indiana anyway?”

“Indiana wants us, but we can’t go back there.” Gothic Flo retorts and The Midnight Supremes all giggle.

Classes begin at the School of Intrepid Arts in Albion. Students practice basic self-defense, mixed martial arts and fencing.

“A new life awaits you at the School of Intrepid Arts” a flashing, talking blimp advertises as it flies over Northern Indiana and Illinois, spending a rather long time over Chicago, until someone begins to fire at it.

“Pop! Pop!” is heard as the floating advertisement-machine is gunned down somewhere on the Southside. 

A scholar gets harassed in his dorm, racial remarks litter his marker board. One moron, Pat Splatt, writes “KKK” on an empty pizza box and drops it outside his dorm room.

Protests are held by multiple school groups which make the local news.

Barry and Terry Reynolds respond to the media from the comfort of their own home.

“I will answer that later. Come back.” President Reynolds tells the news, and does not return their calls.

The scholar tries to learn to make “PSI Balls” on the internet and learns that it is fake. Meanwhile President Reynolds uses school money to pay for pet construction projects so he can hire his wife Terry’s company to do all the work.

Barry and Terry make the classes so hard, it is impossible to pass. Barry and Terry love seeing the disappointed faces of aspiring martial-arts students receive their report cards littered with Fs. 

President Barry Reynolds sends out a memo to his wife Terry using negative humor, snarking she should bulldoze “trash and idiots who live on minimum wage.” Barry accidentally copies the entire college on the email.

Oopsie!

Students start creating memes and Fakebook groups. President Barry reports them to Fakebook owner Emperor Zucc who shuts them all down. 

Students take to the news to expose the corruption.

The scholar is interviewed, and talks about his brother — also a student — who died when trying to defend a bully using “PSI Balls.”

“If President Reynolds wants to create chaos and censor those who rise up against his regime, then maybe he should move to North Korea. I bet he would feel right at home.”

Barry and Terry visit Bern Cacca bathing in the bog near Manteno, Illinois, for public-relations advice hoping to clean up their image, since Bern is so good at maintaining her squeaky clean image while doing dirty those closest to her. Oh, and she burns poopies.

Bern Cacca bathes in the bog

“Bern Cacca? We have an important message. We need your help.”

Bog Witch Bern keeps on swimming.

“Bern? We have something to tell you.”

Bern continues to ignore the looming Terry and Barry.

“Bern? We want to know how you keep your image so clean while you do others dirty.”

“Can’t you see I am taking a bath?” an angered Bern yells back, hoping to be left alone.

“Oh you are so…RUDE!” Terry snarks at Bern. 

“I am busy. Go away.”

“God hates ugly people! I am calling the manager!” Terry says out of desperation and fear.

“I am the manager.” Bern replies as she shoos away Terry and Barry. 

“I wish my hearing aids were broken.” Peppi Cacca says to his wife Bern and the Reynolds couple leaves.

The Indiana Attorney General investigates and shuts the school down, and the story makes television headlines.

“Oh good, we no longer have to see those annoying ads.” Gothic Flo says to Gothic Diana and then turns off her TV.