“We are CRASS.” —CRASS corporate slogan
Sybil Katrina Kibble is the Lead Collections Representative at the debt collection firm, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) of Kankakee, Illinois. She loves money and excels at collecting it using her patented “double or nothing” technique, in which she settles for nothing less than double what her debtor can afford to pay. She lives in a rather large house, rents out her basement to her mother, JoAnn, and enjoys the taste of dog food. Her favorite brands are the cheaper ones, and she has been known to go door to door begging for free dog foodage.
“I’m overworked and underpaid!”
“Gimme my Form 4!” — Sybil
Sybil loves the colour brown, more poopy the better. She wears a lot of black, white, brown and yellow; her house is the same. She thinks bright colours are for wusses and people with good taste. Her McMansion is chock full of “live laugh love” decor. Sybil loves nautical motifs. “Is that a lighthouse or are you just happy to see me?” — Sybil
Sybil decorated her white Chrysler LeBaron with “Life is Good” stickers and those pink doe stickers that look more like an abstract wrench than a deer. She does not hunt; she only put them on her car because they are trendy.
Sybil loves modern country music with auto-tuned vocals to add extra twang to the twangity twang. She also loves mumble rap.
Mack E. Avelli is the 58 year old CRASS CEO. He is married to 22 year old Judy Avelli. His catchphrase is “work hard, play hard”, Mack has been known to adore production schemes and his one hobby is photographing funerals.
Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant is CRASS’s Chief of Accounting. He spends his day cooking the books and feels the Sarbanes-Oxley Act does not apply to him. He also enjoys stirring the pot, though he is a poor cook. Like Sybil, he is deathly afraid of flying. Kon’s interests include big bags (of money), the anti-vaxxer movement and convincing people that the Earth is flat. Konrad also owns the Teirant Cinema-13 in Kankakee. Kon lives with his wife Madeline “Mad Woman” Topolla-Teirant, his three kids Bratley, Chanel # 5 and * in Aroma Park along with their Labrador Retrievers, John and Sue. In his spare time, he travels the country performing his Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets – with juggling clown Madeline and his Elvis impersonator buddy Robbie Hurlbutt.
“Turn the pot slowly.” — Sybil to Kon
Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant is a sociopath whose bark is worse than her bite. She comes across as tough but is terrified deep down inside of those who dare stand up to her. Madeline drives an SUV covered in stinky pink drink decals. Madeline drives an SUV covered in stinky pink drink decals.
She lives in Aroma Park with her husband Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant, CRASS’s Chief of Accounting and owner of Teirant Cinema-13, with whom she performs alongside in the touring Vaudeville act the Moronic Half-Assets. She has three kids, Bratley, Chanel # 5 and *.
Clio Bersola is the Human Resources Manager and Chairperson of the Guys and Gals Glee Committee at CRASS. Clio is in charge of the bi-annual Merit Award Ceremonies and has enough pep to go around all of Kankakee County.
To improve morale at CRASS, Clio encourages participation in the Two Different Socks Day, Wear Your Clothes Backward Day, and Speak in Pig Latin Day. She is a huge fan of the early 1990s rap group Kris Kross, the rapper Kanye West and the TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Sometimes she brings her green budgie Trixie into work.
“Cleep cleep!” — Trixie
The name’s Clio for the last time, Trixie. Arrrrrrgh!” — Clio
Tara Bull is Sybil’s supervisor and Chief of Collections at CRASS. Tara and Sybil have been known to lock horns at times.
Dale F. Davis is a Collections Representative at CRASS. He is obsessed with running to the point of addiction, as he loves the runner’s high. He runs in place inbetween calls and audibly tests his heart rate inbetween calls on his wristwatch. He has a massive crush on Sybil.
“I am worth your time.” “We can do things the way we have always done it, we can do things the Dale way.” — Dale Davis.
Smokey Ashe is A 50-something Collections Representative who loves to smoke, passionate about cigarette smoking, wishes she could smoke more. She smokes her unfiltered cigarettes on the job and gets away with it in her corner cube and lies about it. Employees complain to management about her smoke stench — fragrant like flaming horse manure — making them sick but they turn a blind eye to it and so does Smokey. She once set off the fire alarm, so CRASS maintenance moved her workstation.
“I smoke outside.” — Smokey (hiding her on-the-job cigarette on the inbetween).
Mikey “DIY” Philips is the CRASS Maintenance Assistant. He loves to keep it clean. He loves to clean so much he keeps the CRASS toliets clean and sparkly and whistles while he works. “Mike is a real do-it-yourselfer.” — Sybil
Ninteen year old Linda Stay took the job as a Collections Representative because she needed a job. She transferred into a purchasing position and has trouble figuring out which job is more stressful, as people find ways to take advantage of her shyness and easy-going nature. Linda loves electronic music, 1980’s styles and salty snacks.
THE TOWN BOOBS AND OTHER PEOPLE
Wally Green is a 56 year old barfly from Kankakee and the owner of Wally Green’s Drug Store. He is the eternal bachelor, due to his lack of charm and less-than-average appearance.
Wally has a reputation for asking women if they are single as soon as he meets them, usually within one or two questions. He keeps talking to ladies whose body language shows they are clearly not interested in him. He has been known to ask women inappropriate questions and hit on beautiful ladies who aren’t remotely interested in dating him..
Wally tells tall tales at the bars and area coffee joints. His more colorful yarn to spin is his longwinded story of a supposed distant ancestor who was heir to Manhattan Island until pirates stole his deed. Afrerward, he claims the “Feds” stole the deed from pirates and then his family’s attorneys were murdered seeking information as part of a governmental conspiracy.
Wally visits his one friend every Sunday evening from 4:00 to 8:00 pm because he is the only person who listen to him talk about himself and that fellow never leaves the house.
JoAnn “JK” Kibble is Sybil’s mother. Born in Carbondale, Illinois, she lives in the basement of Sybil’s McMansion in Kankakee.
She was married to her late second cousin, bus-driver Eldon Hurlbutt of Elgin, who left JK to take a powder to Chicago.
JK loves hockey, auto-racing, Candy Crush and boring people with her hour-long tangents about her school-bus parts collection.
Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt of Bourbannais, IL, is the 44 year old communal narcissist son of Pearl “PJ” Hurlbutt, Sybil Kibble’s elderly neighbor and best friend. He works at the local multiplex’s ticket counter and offers free movie tickets to local and online ladies in his feeble attempts to woo them. He snores incredibly loud due to his inattention to his sleep apnea. He blocks his sleep doctor’s telephone calls on his flip phone so he can avoid dealing with it.
Damien is divorced because he verbally abused his wife Lori, whom he only refers to as “Grimace”. In a fit of narcissistic rage, Damien sent lunacy letters to Lori’s psychiatry team to smear Lori via his mansplaining of psychology and psychiatry, even making up a fake diagnosis.
A shopping addict and hoarder, he would rather sleep on the floor and on top of his boxes than buy furniture. He mops up the lake he creates every time he showers with his moldy socks. Prone to outbursts and wearing socks with his $125.00 sandals, Damien thinks he is a hit with the ladies…a real “tenderheart” he calls himself, who spends upwards of $50 on birthday and Easter gifts for his coworkers to impress them.
Robert “Robbie” Roy Gary Hurlbutt of Kankakee, IL is the 40 year old son of Sybil Kibble’s best friend PJ Hurlbutt and brother to Damien. Robbie is a ladies’ man, obsessed with Elvis and is as bad a hoarder as his brother Damien. He has a room in his apartment just for his record collection. He has never married, however he has been known to try and impress area women, only to verbally abuse them and discard them for someone else. Robbie has a side hustle stealing identities for fun and profit. He thinks he is Elvis. Don’t lock him in the bathroom.
Robbie works as a pharmacy technician at Wally Green’s. He loves his job because he gets to be nasty and rude to his customers, in line with their corporate mission to make as much money as possible, no matter what it takes. Wally Green’s puts profits over people and Robbie idealizes this notion, as well as the management team who implements it.
Robbie used to work as a tray line assistant at a nursing home and would often skip out on his shift early after he finished his work. His job description required him to stick around and clean, however he felt he was above those types of tasks.
Rachel Shelley from Detroit, MI is dating Bourbonnais neckbeard and narcissist Damien Hurlbutt, whom she met on OKstupid.
Rachel has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. She administers a “mental health” group which she disguises as a safe space, but is really a front for her to spread dirt about the members. She sends nasty messages to Damien’s ex-wife on Fakebook to harass her on her and then swiftly blocks her so she cannot reply.
She is secretly cheating on Damien Hurlbutt with Leon Peeonne.
Rachel Shelley regularly sings off key to her pop music tunes with her headphones on and is turned on by Damien’s brother Robbie Hurlbutt’s singing because he sings better than her. She cheats on Damien Hurlbutt with his brother Robbie just like she did Leon.
She is dating Damien because she is desperate and secretly using him, just like he is using her. Rumor has it they were once married.
Lori Brown is the estranged ex-wife of Bourbonnais narcissist and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt. Damien refers to Lori as “Grimace” in private, meanwhile he tries multiple times to win her back so he can mentally abuse her again.
Gothic Diana Ross of the Midnight Supremes works as a Kankakee County Diana Ross impersonator with a gothic twist.
Local Elvis impersonator, drugstore clerk and narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on her and has all her CDs. He dances to her music, doing his make-believe martial arts in his Elvis suit in his bedroom after he kisses her gig posters.
Gothic Diana Ross lives in a Victorian Gothic house with her bandmates Gothic Flo and Gothic Mary, the other two Midnight Supremes. They quarrel on a regular basis with next-door neighbors Bern and Peppi Cacca over their backyard bonfires of portapotty poop, and Bern’s bad driving. Bern thinks she is a drag racer because she peels out her Manteno driveway.
Peppi and Bernadette Cacca own and operate Peppi’s Portapotties. Based in Manteno, Illinois, “King and Queen of the Throne” is their slogan.
Peppi’s hobbies are drinking, puking and smoking cheap weed, the skunkier the better.
Bernadette’s hobbies are seeking attention, burning poopies and hanging out in the swamp so she can lure unsuspecting men. Bernadette is proud of her weekly broadcasts online for the Kankakee County Optimal Club, where she sings showtunes and plays accordion for charity to make herself look good.
Sybil just thinks their whiny, meddling mother, PJ, is the bees’ knees.
Meet N. Ron, estranged father of Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt and former husband of PJ.
PJ could no longer tolerate N. Ron’s drinking and scheming, so she left him. Meanwhile, he had been cheating behind her back for years. Robbie blames his misery on his parents’ divorce; they split when he was 12. Damien does not like to come around his father because he is the only person he met that hoards worse than himself.
N. Ron’s specialty is defrauding car insurance companies by faking vehicle damage for the money. He has a penchant for D. movies; not B movies but D movies, the worse the better.
N. Ron might be found somewhere in the middle of Kankakee County.
Leona Krabalsky is the Grump Whisperer of Kankakee County. She is such a moron, Sybil aspires to be her. You read that right; Sybil Kibble wishes not just to be like Leona, but to BE her. She has a son named Leon who took the last name of her first husband, Joshua Peonne. Leon is a recovering addict from hard drugs and is in and out of rehab. Leona loves hanging out under bridges and spooking people.
Doris Krabalsky is Kankakee town troll Leona Krabalsky’s younger sister who sells essential snake oils, investments you can sell your friends, stinky pink drinks, and other MLM products on the streets. Meet her at midnight.
Lila Croule lives in a double-wide trailer on the outskirts of town with her husband Floyd and their two sons, Shane and Wendell.
People complain about her being the nastiest stylist in all of Kankakee County.
Lila thinks she knows more than her customers and complains that her customers know more than their stylist. Lila complains about being a “retail slave” online and talks trash about her customers in a retail workers’ social media group.
Lila does not listen to suggestion and blames her problems on her customers.
Sybil loves seeing Lila not only because she gets her face frame right. Sybil is inspired by her crude attitude and takes ideas from her to use against her debtors at CRASS.
Lila loves riding lawn tractors and owns a purple one with her name on it. The only person in Kankakee more obsessed with her lawn than Sybil, Lila fine trims the grass with her $1500.00 haircutting scissors.
Sybil secretly wants to be her friend.
Meet Pat Oswald Splatt, a 46 year old part time art student at Kankakee Community College. He has a reputation as a collapsed narcissist and sociopath. He bullies people in real life and online for the sake of enjoyment. He gets the most enjoyment out of bullying disabled people, especially those on the autism spectrum. He has no friends due to his sour attitude and arguing with people for the sake of arguing, even when he knows he is wrong.
Obsessed with Dorian Gray, has a Fakebook account under the alias “Pat Gray” where he pretends he is autistic so he can target and bully folks on the autism spectrum. Pat is pathologically jealous of other artists, especially those who are good at networking and have met his favorite artists. Pat blames other people for not getting what he wants and is very unhappy with his lack of success as a painter and filmmaker.
His art technique and style lacks in quality, however he thinks he is the greatest artist in all of Kankakee County and is not afraid to admit it.
Pat gets a high off watching suffering, and he streams videos of trapped rats on Utube on the regular, when he is not busy ripping off people.
As a high school senior, he tried to make a pass at a beautiful first week sophomore who was brand new to the school. However, she rejected him. He was never the same again.
To to pay his rent, he has a part time job as a cleaner in a college art gallery and has been rumored to operate a spamhaus from his basement.
Brandon Dixon owns Brandon’s Imbecile Machines and has two small children. Brandon is well-known throughout Kankakee County for driving a very shiny imbecile machine with extra large wheels, and a very small bed, covered with obnoxiously sexist decals. He parks it in the middle of the donut shop lot where he hangs out, because he thinks he is too good for parking spaces. He is a juggalo and once tried out as a clown for the traveling Vaudeville act, the Moronic Half-Assets (MHA).
Wife of Brandon Dixon (owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines) and mother to his kids; Priscilla “Pris” Dixon is highly nosey, butts into strangers’ business, and does not believe in answering to knocks on the public washroom door.
Pris was raised by wealthy parents who gave her everything she wanted. Pris feels that, because she is a parent, she should cut in line at the cafes and burger joints. She dislikes the childfree by choice and gets her kicks by invalidating their feelings. Pris feels that only parents can make a valid point, and that life does not begin until you become a mother or father.
Edward “Lyin’ Eddie” Dixon is father to Brandon. Eddie is a low-level sociopath who winds people up by doing dumb things, like taking their food at the cafe by “mistake”, staring, reading aloud at a quite cafe, bothering strangers with mindless chatter, and going into all-you-can eat buffets to eat all the food so nobody else can have it.