“We are CRASS.” — CRASS corporate slogan
Sybil Katrina Kibble is the Lead Collections Representative at the debt collection firm, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) of Kankakee, Illinois. She loves money and excels at collecting it using her patented “double or nothing” technique, in which she settles for nothing less than double what her debtor can afford to pay. She lives in a rather large house, rents out her basement to her mother, JoAnn, and enjoys the taste of dog food. Her favorite brands are the cheaper ones, and she has been known to go door to door begging for free dog foodage.
“I’m overworked and underpaid!”
“Gimme my Form 4!” — Sybil
Sybil loves the colour brown, more poopy the better. She wears a lot of black, white, brown and yellow; decorates her house using the same colors. She thinks bright colours are for wusses and people with good taste. Her McMansion is chock full of “live laugh love” decor. Sybil loves nautical motifs.
“Is that a lighthouse or are you just happy to see me?” — Sybil
Sybil has decorated her white Chrysler LeBaron with “Life is Good” stickers and those pink doe stickers that look more like an abstract wrench than a deer. She does not hunt; she adorned her car with them because they are trendy.
Sybil loves modern country music with auto-tuned vocals to add extra twang to the twangity twang. She also loves mumble rap and bringing her ma JoAnn to the Annual CRASS Take Your Parents to Work Day.
JoAnn “JK” Kibble is Sybil’s mother. Born in Carbondale, Illinois, she lives in the basement of Sybil’s house in Kankakee.
She had been married to her late second cousin, bus-driver Eldon Hurlbutt of Elgin, who had jilted JK to take a powder to Chicago.
JK loves hockey, auto-racing, Candy Crush and boring people with her hour-long tangents about her school-bus parts collection.
Mack E. Avelli is the 58 year old CRASS CEO. He is married to 22 year old Judy Avelli. His catchphrase is “work hard, play hard”, Mack has been known to adore production schemes and his one hobby is photographing roadkill.
Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant is CRASS’s Chief of Accounting. He spends his day cooking the books and feels the Sarbanes-Oxley Act does not apply to him. He also enjoys stirring the pot, though he is a poor cook. Like Sybil, he is deathly afraid of flying. Kon’s interests include big bags (of money), the anti-vaxxer movement and convincing people that the Earth is flat. Konrad also owns the Teirant Cinema-13 in Kankakee. Kon lives with his wife Madeline “Mad Woman” Topolla-Teirant, his three kids Bratley, Chanel # 6 and * in Aroma Park. In his spare time, he travels the country performing his Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets – with juggling clown Madeline and his Elvis impersonator buddy Robbie Hurlbutt.
“Turn the pot slowly.” — Sybil to Kon
Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant is a sociopath and manager of Kankakee’s Number One Apartments. Her bark is worse than her bite. She comes across as tough but is terrified deep down inside of those who dare stand up to her. Madeline drives an SUV covered in stinky pink drink decals.
She lives in Aroma Park with her husband Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant, CRASS’s Chief of Accounting and owner of Teirant Cinema-13, with whom she performs alongside in the touring Vaudeville act the Moronic Half-Assets.
Clio Bersola is the Human Resources Manager and Chairperson of the Guys and Gals Glee Committee at CRASS. Clio is in charge of the bi-annual Merit Award Ceremonies and has enough pep to go around all of Kankakee County.
To improve morale at CRASS, Clio encourages participation in the Two Different Socks Day, Wear Your Clothes Backward Day, and Speak in Pig Latin Day. She is a huge fan of the early 1990s rap group Kris Kross, the rapper Kanye West and the TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Sometimes she brings her green budgie Trixie into work.
“Cleep cleep!” — Trixie
The name’s Clio for the last time, Trixie. Arrrrrrgh!” — Clio
Tara Bull is Sybil’s supervisor and Accounts Receivable Manager at CRASS. Tara and Sybil have been known to lock horns at times.
Dale F. Davis is a Collections Representative at CRASS. He is obsessed with running to the point of addiction, as he loves the runner’s high. He runs in place inbetween calls and audibly tests his heart rate inbetween calls on his wristwatch. He has a massive crush on Sybil.
“I am worth your time.” “We can do things the way we have always done it, we can do things the Dale way.” — Dale Davis.
Mikey “DIY” Philips is the CRASS Operations Manager. He loves to keep it clean, preferably with someone else doing the work so he can play cards on his computer. Mike had made headlines when he and his now estranged former wife wanted to switch their female embryo for a male.
“Do it yourself.” — Mike
Ninteen year old Linda Stay had started out as a Collections Representative. She now works as a purchasing agent and has trouble figuring out which job is more stressful. People find ways to take advantage of her shyness and easy-going nature. Linda loves electronic music, 1980’s style and salty snacks.
THE TOWN BOOBS AND OTHER PEOPLE
Wally Green is a 56 year old barfly from Kankakee and the owner of Wally Green’s Drug Store. He is the eternal bachelor, due to his lack of charm and less-than-average appearance.
Wally has a reputation for asking women if they are single as soon as he meets them, usually within one or two questions. He keeps talking to ladies whose body language shows they are clearly not interested in him. He has been known to ask women inappropriate questions and hit on beautiful ladies who aren’t remotely interested in dating him..
Wally tells tall tales at the bars and area coffee joints. His more colorful yarn to spin is his longwinded story of a supposed distant ancestor who had been the heir to Manhattan Island until pirates stole his deed. Wally claims the “Feds” had stolen the deed from pirates and then his family’s attorneys were murdered seeking information as part of a governmental conspiracy.
Wally visits his one friend every Sunday evening from 4:00 to 8:00 pm because he is the only person who listen to him talk about himself and that fellow never leaves the house.
Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt of Bourbonnais, IL, is the 45 year old communal narcissist son of Pearl “PJ” Hurlbutt. He works at the local multiplex’s ticket counter and offers free movie tickets to local and online ladies in his feeble attempts to woo them. He snores incredibly loud due to his inattention to his sleep apnea. He blocks his sleep doctor’s telephone calls on his flip phone so he can avoid dealing with it.
Damien is divorced because he had verbally abused his wife Lori, to whom he only refers as “Grimace”. In a fit of narcissistic rage, Damien had made the choice to send lunacy letters to Lori’s psychiatry team to smear Lori via his mansplaining of psychology and psychiatry, even making up a fake diagnosis.
A shopping addict and hoarder, he would rather sleep on the floor and on top of his boxes than buy some furniture. He mops up the lake he creates every time he showers with his moldy socks. Prone to outbursts and wearing socks with his $125.00 sandals, Damien thinks he is a hit with the ladies, and “the last of his species.” Damien has a reputation for spending upwards of $50 on birthday and Easter gifts for his coworkers to impress them.
He was last seen near Area 51.
Robert “Robbie” Roy Gary Hurlbutt of Kankakee, IL is the 44 year old son of Sybil Kibble’s best friend PJ Hurlbutt and brother to Damien. Robbie is a ladies’ man, obsessed with Elvis and is as much a narcissist as his brother Damien, just more of the vulnerable kind. He has a room in his apartment just for his record collection. He has never married, however he has been known to try and impress area women, only to verbally abuse them and discard them for someone else. Robbie has side hustles impersonating Elvis and stealing identities for fun and profit. He thinks he is Elvis. Don’t lock him in the bathroom.
Robbie works as a pharmacy technician at Wally Green’s. He loves his job because he gets to be nasty and rude to his customers, in line with their corporate mission to make as much money as possible, no matter what it takes. Wally Green’s puts profits over people and Robbie idealizes this notion, as well as the management team who implements it.
Robbie had worked as a tray line assistant in a nursing home dietary, skipping out on his shift early after he finished his work. His job description had required him to stick around and clean, however he feels he is above those types of tasks.
Rachel Shelley from Detroit, MI was dating Bourbonnais neckbeard and narcissist Damien Hurlbutt, whom she met on OKstupid.
Rachel has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. She administers a “mental health” group which she disguises as a safe space, but is really a front for her to spread dirt about the members. She sends nasty messages to Damien’s ex-wife on Fakebook to harass her on her and then swiftly blocks her so she cannot reply.
She had been secretly cheating on Damien Hurlbutt with junkie Leon Peeonne.
Rachel Shelley regularly sings off key to her pop music tunes with her headphones on, not caring whom is in earshot, and is turned on by Damien’s brother Robbie Hurlbutt’s singing because he sings better than her.
She is dating Damien because she is desperate and secretly using him, just like he is using her. Rumor has it they had been married once.
Lori Brown is the estranged ex-wife of Bourbonnais narcissist and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt. Damien refers to Lori as “Grimace” in private, meanwhile he tries multiple times to win her back so he can mentally abuse her again.
Communal narcissist, “men’s rights activist” and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt mocks his ex-wife Lori for having trouble putting together a vacuum cleaner. Damien had vacuumed, not letting Lori do most of the chores while they were married, conniving Lori into thinking he had done them because he cared when in reality he had done it to control her. He would invite Lori to come along with him to the laundromat to watch him do laundry so he could show off, not letting her do her own wash.
When they split up, Damien had broke three more new vacuums because he had waited too long to empty the removable cup. Candy wrappers, beer tabs and of wadded up tissues pile up on the floor because Damien is too lazy to throw them out. Damien feels he is destined to work in Hollywood, however he is just a neckbeard, living in his neckbeard-nest.
Gothic Diana Ross of the Midnight Supremes works as a Kankakee County Diana Ross impersonator with a gothic twist.
Local Elvis impersonator, drugstore clerk and vulnerable narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on her and has all her CDs. He dances to her music, doing his make-believe martial arts in his Elvis suit in his bedroom after he kisses her gig posters.
Gothic Diana Ross lives in a Victorian Gothic house with her bandmates Gothic Flo and Gothic Mary, the other two Midnight Supremes. They quarrel on a regular basis with next-door neighbors Bern and Peppi Cacca over their backyard bonfires of portapotty poop, and Bern’s bad driving. Bern thinks she is a drag racer because she peels out her Manteno driveway.
Peppi and Bernadette Cacca own and operate Peppi’s Portapotties. Based in Manteno, Illinois, “King and Queen of the Throne” is their slogan. Peppi raps and Bern sings about portable toilets, accompanying on accordion on their TV commercial.
Peppi’s hobbies are drinking, puking and smoking cheap weed, the skunkier the better. Bernadette’s hobbies are seeking attention, burning poopies and hanging out in the swamp so she can lure unsuspecting men to devour.
Communal narcissist Bernadette is proud of her weekly charity broadcasts for the Manteno Optimal Club, where she sings show-tunes and plays accordion to make herself look good. After all, Bern thinks she is everybody’s friend and a national treasure, an entremanure extraordinaire. She does not care about the charity at all, only playing charity gigs to maintain her squeaky-clean image.
This 62 year old fartknocker sports a head full of salt and pepper hair, usually covered up by a ball cap. His eyes glow red and he eats brains for dinner.
Gregory is Chronic; paranoid people will steal his stash, Greg flashes his dime-bag full of perfectly cultivated buds on the bus when he is spaced out on coke he snorted while coming down off a weed high. Yes, he is that dumb.
This Miami Dolphenergans fan gate-keeps in Fakebook groups. Greg brags about his biggest life achievement, having seen someone in 1991 going down the road who owned one. The one-and-only 1988 Chrysler Conquest – just like the one Gothic Diana Ross drives – Greg witnessed the most important event in his life and tells everybody about it.
Undead Greg stopped driving due to DUIs; he lost his license. Now he can only watch people going down the road who own one. He is butthurt because he no longer can legally hunt down the living driving his Ford imbecile machine, covered in obnoxious decals, bearing wheels way too large for the body.
Ableist as it gets, Greg audibly harasses disabled folks on the bus, stalking them in cafés. He thinks they should work and accuses every disabled young person of “faking it” and tag teams with his BFF Pris Dixon to bully strangers since he is a scared wuss with no life.
Bern Cacca’s biggest fan, Greg made a BernCacca Fans Fakebook account.
He desperately needs a hobby (besides devouring the living). Manteno residents hope he gets one soon.
Sybil Kibble thinks her next-door-neighbor, the whiny, meddling mother to the Hurlbutt clan, Pearl Jo “PJ” Hurlbutt, is the bees’ knees. She wishes she could be as annoying as her.
Meet N. Ron, estranged father of Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt and former husband of PJ.
PJ had split with N. Ron because of his abusive behavior. Meanwhile, he had been cheating behind her back for years. Robbie blames his misery on his parents’ divorce; they split when he was 12. Damien does not like to come around his father because he is the only person that hoards more than he does. Damien wishes he could win the hoarding competition.
Robbie has a covert tendency to argue with his mother when she asks him for help moving things. In a competition to see who is more petty, PJ passive-aggressively adds more chores when Robbie refuses, more ridiculous the more he complains.
N. Ron’s specialty is defrauding car insurance companies by faking vehicle damage for the money. He has a penchant for D. movies — not B movies but D movies — the worse the better.
N. Ron might be found somewhere in the middle of Kankakee County.
Leona Krabalsky is the Grouch Whisperer of Kankakee County. She is such a moron, Sybil aspires to be her. You read that right; Sybil Kibble wishes not just to be like Leona, but to BE her. She has a son named Leon who took the last name of her first husband, Joshua Peonne. Leon, a heroin addict, goes in and out of rehab. He does not want to give up his drug because he likes it too much. Leona loves hanging out under bridges, spooking people and selling useless crap.
Doris Krabalsky is Kankakee town troll Leona Krabalsky’s younger sister who sells essential snake oils, investments you can sell your friends, and stinky pink drinks online and on the streets. Meet her at midnight.
Meet malignant narcissist and junk emailer Pat Oswald Splatt. He is a 46-year-old part time art student at Kankakee Community College who bullies people in real life and online for the sake of enjoyment. How stupid. He gets the most enjoyment out of bullying disabled people, especially those on the autism spectrum. He has no friends except for Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt due to his sour attitude and arguing with people for the sake of arguing, even when he knows he is wrong and nobody cares.
Obsessed with Dorian Gray, Pat has a Fakebook account under the alias “Pat Gray” where he pretends he is autistic so he can target and bully folks on the autism spectrum. Pat is pathologically jealous of other artists, especially those who are good at networking and have met his favorite artists. Pat blames other people for not getting what he wants and is very unhappy with his lack of success as a painter and filmmaker.
His art technique and style lacks in quality, however he thinks he is the greatest artist in all of Kankakee County and is not afraid to tell people.
Pat gets a high off watching suffering, and he streams videos of trapped rats on Utube on the regular, when he is not busy ripping off people.
As a high school senior, he tried to make a pass at a beautiful first week sophomore who was brand new to the school. However, she rejected him. He was never the same again.
To help pay his rent, Pat supplements his income by organizing petty crime and sending junk emails. Pat really loves spam.
Brandon Dixon owns Brandon’s Imbecile Machines and has two small children with his wife Pris..
Brandon is well-known throughout Kankakee County for driving a very shiny, overly-lifted truck with extra large wheels, and a very small bed, covered with obnoxiously sexist decals.
He parks it in the middle of the donut shop lot where he hangs out, because he thinks he is too good for parking spaces. He is a juggalo and once tried out as a clown for the traveling Vaudeville act, the Moronic Half-Assets (MHA).
Wife of Brandon Dixon (owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines) and mother to his kids; Priscilla “Pris” Dixon is highly nosey, butts into strangers’ business, and does not believe in answering to knocks on the public washroom door.
Pris was raised by wealthy parents who gave her everything she wanted. Pris feels that, because she is a parent, she should cut in line at the cafes and burger joints. She dislikes the childfree by choice and gets her kicks by invalidating their feelings. Pris feels that only parents can make a valid point, and that life does not begin until you become a mother or father.
Dr. Edward “Lyin’ Eddie” Dixon is father to Brandon. Eddie is a low-level sociopath who winds people up by doing dumb things, like taking their food at the cafe by “mistake”, staring at women, reading aloud at a quite cafe, bothering strangers with mindless chatter, and going into all-you-can eat buffets to eat all the food so nobody else can have it.
He is not known for having the best bedside manner.
Lucy Furr Dixon is Brandon’s late mother. She had considered her greatest life-accomplishment her bullying of an autistic girl on their university trip to Italy. She had been working as a Medical Office Assistant for her husband, and hired her daughter-in-law Pris Dixon to give the patients crap like she did.
She currently works as Hell’s in-processing clerk, asking the newly damned to sign the register, and breaking up fights between the Kevins and Karens who want to take over.
Barry Reynolds got fired from his job as a road-test proctor for the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, and started his own college called “Dr. Mathew B. Johnson School of Intrepid Arts” – a school he named after his favorite academic leader and best friend – in Albion, Indiana.
He taught martial arts, fencing and telekinesis until it got shut down because…you know…PSI balls are not real.
Barry’s equally scary wife Terry Reynolds operates a constrution…I mean…construction company and loves making money from useless pet projects. She is secretly a daemon.
Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran
Shapeshifting humanoid vulture Carla Moran found out unexpectedly that she was pregnant with her daughter Bernadette. Hoping to dump her unwanted baby, she flew over a swamp and laid an egg. Little did she know that this rotten egg would hatch and a little baby swamp witch would emerge. She should have used birth control.
Her bird-of-a-feather aunt Sonya named her Bernadette. Sonya initially watched over baby Bernadette, spoiling her with all kinds of creepy dolls and broken toys to fill the bog while she swam and pooped.
“Can I swim with you? It’s 95 degrees. I brought my suit.”
“No lady, this is my swamp.”
Sneaky Sonya came back to visit Bernadette as a child, insulting her appearance and gaslighting her while nobody was looking and promoted the heck outta the vengeful teenaged swamp witch in the local papers whenever she acted out in a play or had a poopy piano recital. She, like Bernadette, only did it for the photo opportunity. Looks are deceiving and those two fools knew it.
Sonya unknowingly taught lil Miss Bern to become as big a narc-a-doodle as she. Instead of learning what NOT to do, Bernadette chose to act like a sneaky, vengeful, envious little moron who loves to poop and devour the living.