Oh what, pray tell do you think he is making? Wally wants to sell these inventions in the Kankakee Wally Green’s pharmacies. Look for them on a corner near you!
GLASSHOLES:
These sunglasses slip off and plop on the floor so you have to buy more! Other features that Wally think will change your life:
These glasses get caught on all your stuff, just to annoy you. Made of the cheapest plastic in Illinois, Glassholes smear constantly despite daily cleaning. Pair them with a face mask, they will be sure to steam up without fail.
Feel the power of Glassholes when they disappear within the bowels of your bag only to reappear when not looking for them.
PLASTIC BOTTLE TABS:
Mandatory for all Wally Greens’ products, they make all products you buy twice as hard to open! Buy one, get one 50 per cent off (but never free).
AUTOINCORRECT:
Now with even more errors, Autoincorrect is now pre-installed in every phone! Embarrass your co-workers! Impress your friends with each new autoincorrection.
HALF-MOON TOILET SEAT:
The half-moon toilet seat is a real game-changer, it only fits half your moon! Wally Green’s uses less plastic and you pay more money. Sit on it incorrectly and you might pinch your thigh! This product is a win-win-win for Wally Green.
Buy this useless crap at your corner Wally Green’s! Apply now for a WallyCard. Everybody is pee-qualified! Get a free date with Mr. Green himself! Craptocoins not accepted.
Kankakee town troll Leona Krabalsky runs from Manteno sociopath and port-a-potty entremanure Peppi Cacca confronts her for selling fake drugs down below the I-57 overpass.
The king of the porcelain throne drunkenly aims a hair-dryer out the passenger side of his poopmobile while his equally crappy wife Bernadette brags, “My AWESOME husband has “ARI: Armed Redneck Insurance!”
“Security! Come quick! These bats are crapping all over my cell!” Damien exclaims to guard Becky Konkan.
“Don’t get so worked up, Damien. These are your new friends. Try and get to know them.”
“I’m gonna get rabies!”
“Nope, their testing all came back negative. They’re going to hang around us for awhile.”
“I don’t want them watching me poop…” Damien says as he waves the bats away and they retreat to the ceiling rafters above the cell block, then sits down to pinch a loaf. “Phheeeewwwwww” Damien brags. “Look at the size of that log. Peeew! Peeeew! Peeew!”
Make it rain with N.F.T.s – Newly Formed Turds! Craptocoin mined the old fashioned way! Ask Bern Cacca how.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!” Bourbonnais multiplex clerk, fedora-sporting neckbeard and communal narcadoodle, Damien Hurlbutt exclaims when he gets a link to a message bearing the subject “thank you Damien Hurbutt–old soul and tender-heart.” It has arrived from one of his favourite puppeteers on Fakebook, whom he has been stalking, mailing weekly postcards to her home address.
Damien hems and haws, not used to getting the praise to which he feels entitled. He clicks the link, which leads to a “You Are An Idiot” video, complete with Fakebook comments section on the female performer’s page rightfully poking fun at his narcissistic behavior.
Damien rages due to his narcissistic injury, ego deflated to the size of a pea. He throws his computer out the window, hitting an older lady on the head, instantly killing her.
Bored and fearful he will be locked away forever, without a chance for narcissistic supply, Damien hoovers his ex-wife Lori. Ennui gets the best of him: Damien emerges from nothing by false flagging Lori’s social media content, hoping to get her into Fakebook jail. Instead, Damien goes to real jail – Kankakee County jail – as he awaits his trial for manslaughter and stalking.
Damien’s enabler, fellow communal narcadoodle, and fart-enthusiast Bern Cacca posts bail. Damien goes home, assuming he will get the acquittal to which he feels entitled.
Think again.
A bounty hunter is sent out to sniff out Damien; Bern’s transaction failed because she paid in Craptocoin and burned it all…in her fireplace.
“The only thing I like better than mining Craptocoin, is burning it…” Mrs. Cacca says as she cooks her books at the Manteno shack she shares with her husband Peppi.
Damien pursues Bernadette, who is not home, nor at work. Damien heads over to the bog she inhabits, which she uses as a bathtub and and slow-cooker for devouring the living. Unfortunately for fugitive Damien, the sign at Bern’s Bog reads “the bog witch is out.”
Damien gets a “fake news” tip sent to his flip-phone by Pat Splatt that Bern went to Area 51 for a toxic secret flatulence experiment. Keep flames away from butts.
Artist’s rendering of secret experiment room
Damien tries to sneak into Area 51 after taking pictures of the “Photography Prohibited” Area 51 “No Trespassing” sign.
Damien heads toward the once-secret base nicknamed “Dreamland” and gets rightfully arrested by the military police.
The officers, tired of shooting people on sight and patrolling the same remote corner of Nevada, decide to bring Damien in and question him. Damien sits down at a metal table, glances down at the floor, all by his lonesome. Out of seemingly nowhere, a group of five military personnel materialize in the room, all facing the bulbous neckbeard. ”Face to Face” by Daft Punk plays over the public address system, beat-matched into a remix of ”Paris 400” by SebastiAn. Area 51’s DJ really likes French House Music.
“Nice floor tiles you have, M’Lady!” Damien smirks, hoping to impress the leader with his negative humor.
Obviously not impressed, the Area 51 security team haul Mr. Hurlbutt into a solitary cell in the top-secret experimentation wing, where human and extraterrestrial scientists work to develop a “super-soldier” performing experiments like turning humans into giant spiders and installing amplifiers into cyborgs to blast Katy Scary music to scare away terrorists.
Damien makes his one phone call to Pat Splatt, asking where Bernadette had gone.
I just may have been interviewed on a really cool comedy show called “The Aunty Sochelle Hour-Ish Show” about the Moroniverse and shapeshifting humanoid turkey vultures like Carla Moran. Maybe. Methinks a wee little birdy told me that the star of this show had performed with Second City and at The Comedy Store.
On one cold Manteno day of many back in 1989, young bog witch Bernadette thought it would be cute to annoy her teacher one too many times by drawing all over the inside of her math book, so the teacher scolded her.
“Stop drawing in your math textbook!” Mrs. Dickinson commanded.
“Okay, I’ll just draw on the outside cover instead!” Bernadette smirked before getting sent to the principal’s office.
Manteno’s very own bog witch, entramanure and communal narcadoodle Bernadette M Cacca loves her Turd Machines so much, she mounted one on each wall and windowsill.
“Gotta get rid of that Gothic Diana Ross!” — Bernadette Moran Cacca, Manteno
She even guards her basement turd vault, full of craptocoins and Newly Formed Turds (N.F.T.s) with one Turd Machine Deluxe on each side.
Increase your art supply bill without increasing your income thanks to Wally’s patented crapology!
Featuring the loosest caps in Illinois, CrapCaps slip off 10X faster than the leading brands. Your markers and pens will dry out in no time! Then, you can march on over to your corner Wally Green’s to buy some, get some more half off (but never free)!
You will be shouting out colorful words when Wally’s colored pencils break down the middle the very first time you sharpen them!
Wally’s acrylic paints turn to stone in no time!
Do you like surprises?
With Wally Green’s brand spankin’ new algorithm, prices change while you shop, not only in our CrapApp but in our stores too!
If you’re a good-looking girl, Wally’s new Artificial Idiocracy (AI) just might lower the price before you get to the register! If Wally asks you for a date and you turn him down, not only will our prices double, but you risk getting banned from the store!
Download our new CrapApp to shop from home! We don’t care what you look like, if you’re sitting on the crapper or if you’re in your birthday suit. If you forget that it exists, you will hear about it at least 80 times when you call for your prescriptions, because we want to fire as many clerks as we can to bring ourselves bigly profits!
7/5 Very Stable Geniuses (including Wally) think this new pricing game is a gas!
Krispy Münchausen is driving the River Valley Metro bus after having moved here from Utica, New York a few months because she’s been on the run for destroying a butterfly garden and then begging for “butterfly food” to “save the butterflies.” A disabled 40-something struggles to climb onto the bus to board it.
“Come on!” Krispy rushes the disabled lady who is trying her best.
“How are you doing?” the middle-aged woman asks Krispy twice, to no reply. She sits there and stares into space, face as stone-cold as her heart.
“I have a disability which interferes with my coordination. I just need a little extra time.”
“Quit talking and pay the fare!”
“Kindness costs nothing.”
“Go sit down and pay me when you de-board, you’re holding us all up.”
The woman calls the bus company and reports Krispy in plain sight for her blatant discrimination while she rides the bus, then pulls the cord at her stop.
“Let’s get off on the right foot now. Here is my disability card. Now here is my payment. Slow down and have some patience for the disabled. These times are not normal and you’re part of the problem.”
The woman tries to get off the bus and near a bench featuring an advertisement for the Manteno Cantina, however she falls onto the cold, hard pavement as the driver pulls away because she is in too much of a darned hurry – as if late for a washroom emergency.
Kankakee junkie Leon Peonne chases out his now ex-girlfriend Rach Shelley from his crackhouse apartment after a huge blowout. He had started huffing his rotten-egg scented gas blasts because he found a new drug, and Rach ran out into the cold one last time to escape the stench. Yum!
Leon heads down the local swamp for some hot swampy love with bog witch Bernadette, who has him for supper, then poops him out.
Leon emerges from the muck, reanimates as the newly undead Leon, and makes his way toward the Manteno Cantina.
Meanwhile Krispy Münchausen goes down there just to make a pit stop, hangs around a bit first, mesmerized by Bernadette Cacca’s impeccable butt-trumpet performance.
“Bernadette, I came here just to see YOU! I am your biggest fan! You’re the GOAT!”
“No — you!” Bernadette replies.
“B-Dette. From now on I’m gonna call you B-Dette!” Krispy Munchausen exclaims.
“Is that like a bidet?”
“Yeah…I guess”
“You’re so HARDCORE! I’ll make you an honorary Poopy Groupie.”
“I thought I already wa—“
“Nope, that’s only for the dues-paying members. Now tip me well! It’s important to tip the talented performers here.”
Krispy sneaks out the back after using the washroom, making a stink which could only rival Bernadette’s.
“Haha, I outstank her! Now, it’s time to make that witch pay!”
Krispy slithers on down to the bog Bernadette inhabits, completely forgetting about her passengers. A sign can be read: “The bog witch is out.”
“This is my swamp now!”
Krispy dives in and takes a bath. She starts chucking Bernadette’s creepy dolls out the water to make way for her “Life is Good” crap which she had stolen from a church yard sale.
A loud thump is heard, then the ducks and geese fly away.
“Nobody’s home!” Krispy exclaims.
A banshee-like wail is head in the distance, the Doppler effect lessening as the sound gets louder, before coming to a complete halt. Multicolored lights illuminate Krispy’s arms doing the doggy-paddle in the marshy water. A light shines on the hag’s face.
“Mrs. Münchausen.”
“Who are you?”
“Police. We received a report that you fled the scene of an accident.”
“No, I haven’t pooped my pants all day!”
“Were you driving bus number 2222 today?”
“Why do you ask?”
“A passenger fell while tying to get off the bus and you just left her there. We are going to write you a ticket.”
“But, I was just out here looking for her! I wondered where she went. I went foraging for herbs to help treat her wounds! Don’t tell my supervisor!”
“Too late, she already told me that she will be mailing out your termination letter.”
“Don’t you know who I am?”
“Yeah, a negligent former bus driver who should have known better.”
“I’m a princess! Do you know where I come from? I live on the Moon. Back where I come from that lady would have hurried up! I built a special rocket and flew down here just for a swim.”
“Are you new around here? Shape up or ship out.”
“Well I’m not afraid of you!”
“Rawwwwrrrrrrr!” the now undead Leon Peeonne screams as he lunges toward Mrs. Münchausen.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Krispy screams like a little girl.
The cop gets back into his squad car and just shakes his head while doing his paperwork. It’s another day in Illinois.
MoronicArts 
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