Manteno communal narcissist and poopy-burner Bernadette “Bern” Cacca warns motorists why she peels out of parking lots and drives like she is drag-racing by plopping this decal the rearview window of her poopmobile. No, Bern you are not Running in the 90s. You just have the runs.
Peppi and Bernadette Cacca might seem like empty characters at first, however there is a much darker side to them. Like all my characters, they are based off a combination of real people.
I have known the person on whom Bernadette is based my entire life. She lived next to my grandmother. As kids, she was the entitled brat who wanted things her way or the highway. I used to try and dodge her because she annoyed me so much, but then she would not leave me alone.
I clearly remember her insisting on calling me my deadname, despite my pleas for her to stop. Bernadette hasn’t any concept of boundaries and neither does that person.
In high school, she had found a way to manipulate people into thinking she was a wonderful person. I had to ask her a urgent question for a design I was creating for a play in which she starred, right before I had to catch the bus to trade school. Instead of turning around and answering me, she kept talking faster and louder to the other student, drowning me out.
To add insult to injury, this real-life communal narcissisttricked the teacher into making ME apologize to HER. I will never forgive her for that abuse. The real-life Bernadette is now working on an HBO show of some sort and playing piano for charity. I read she yelled at a late-night television host for getting too close to her piano. This behavior does not surprise me.
I created my character to help cope with a lifetime of abuse from a narcissist who tricks virtually everyone into seeing her mask. Bernadette is a parody of the real deal.
Have you known a person like this?
Peppi Cacca’s name initially came from a rabid doorman in Italy who sexually assaulted me. I based my character Peppi off a toxic neighbor who stunk up my apartment with skunky weed and abused his cat. I got the idea from Pepe LePew and used to call him Pepe LePuke as I heard him through the ceiling vomiting every morning. I am so glad to be out of that apartment complex.
I recently saw him on the bus bragging to the driver about his drinking, making the excuse “can you blame me?”
Communal narcissist Bernadette Cacca loves all the attention she is getting at the Manteno High School awards ceremony all students were forced to attend, complaining she might have to move closer to the aisle because she keeps getting up to receive buttloads of awards. Pat Splatt, meanwhile is bored out of his skull and Gothic Diana Ross is pleading to her homeroom teacher to take her out of her misery.
Communal narcissist, obnoxious driver and Manteno-based portable-waste operator Bern Cacca went to another Schmucks grocery store hoping to play her favorite drag-race simulator after her out-of-order experience the last time.
Though their Running in the 90s game was also broken, Bern did get to spend her quarters on cleaning out these vending machines instead.
“I drove all the way from Manteno just to play Running in the 90s and it’s broke. Get me the manager!” demands the entitled 43-year old Bern Cacca, throwing a fit like a bratty kid at a Schmucks grocery store.
“I am the manager,” says Brenda who walks away and laughs at Karen, I mean Bern.
Bern says “I should get a free game” as she storms out the store and peels away in her white sedan, thinking she is in a drag race with the other customers.
Bernadette Cacca has the voice of an angel and the soul of the devil.
Peppi Cacca has the voice of a daemonic troll.
“I got a new gig! And it’s a national one!” Manteno communal narcissist Bern Cacca exclaims to her sociopathic husband and entremanure Peppi, mouth wide open as if to catch a fly.
“Lemme guess…your aunt got you on the front page of the Kankakee Sentinel again.”
“More charity shows to make you look good, pretending to care while you don’t? You’re a really good actress,” Peppi emphatically tells his wife.
“Yeah, I know. Not this time.”
“Another recurring walk-on role for a show you can only see on one certain app?”
“Nope. This one is bigger!”
“I don’t care but tell me anyway, I have skunk-weed to smoke after my date with the bottle. Then I have to go harass our next-door neighbors.”
“Out of Warranty Experience hired me for their robocalls! Everybody in the nation will hear wonderful ME tell them their car is out of warranty!” Bern says with glee, then rips a fart. “Mmmmmmm. I love that smell.”
Peppi pounds on the air vent cover to remove his dope from the stash he hides in the duct, rolls up a skunky joint and crawls outside.
“Git-git-git-git-git-git” the clowny Peppiwise calls from the manhole down in front of The Midnight Supremes’ black Victorian Gothic home next door.
“No thanks, you can keep your candy” says Gothic Diana Ross toward the sound coming from the gutter.
A skunky stench emerges from the drain, but not from poop. This is a water drain.
“Do you have something better to do? I’m not interested and never will be.”
Peppi’s ego deflates as Gothic Diana continues to ignore his plea for attention and goes inside and starts band practice.
Gothic Diana Ross and the Midnight Supremes get ready to play, beginning with the number “Stop in the Name of Death.”
“Check-check, 1-2-1-2. Six Six. Why is this mic not working?” a frustrated Gothic Diana asks her cover band.
Diana opens up the battery cover. “Dead as a doornail.”
“Why don’t you bury them?” Gothic Flo jokes.
“We should have a funeral,” deadpans Miss Gothic Mary.
As the trio begins the dead batteries’ funeral rites, their ceremony gets interrupted by a phone call.
“Hey” answers Gothic Diana, putting her phone on speaker, hoping the band is getting called about a new gig.
“Don’t make the mistake of driving without a warranty…” the robocall commands. “This is the final call before we close the file. Press one to speak”
“She sounds familiar. Who is that?” Gothic Flo asks.
“Don’t know, don’t care.” Diana replies.
“Hey, methinks it’s that actor lady next door…the one who owns a port-a-potty business with her husband. Hey Mary, what’s her name?”
“Bern Cacca. She burns poop in their fireplace.”
“Ohhh, that’s why we smell her crap. Does she think it does not stink?” Mary jokes as the girl group erupts in laughter.
Gothic Diana walks outside her home to go for a brisk walk. She hears a sound off in the distance: “git-git-git-git-git.”
“Oh no, not Peppiwise again,” Diana says to herself as she passes by another rain gutter.
The 5’10”, slender beauty in the black dress gets another cell phone call.
“Don’t make the mistake of going without a warranty…”
“I’ll get a warrant alright, for her arrest!”
Gothic Diana walks over to the house of her Manteno neighbor Bern Cacca to give her a piece of her mind. However there is a line of angry neighbors queued around the street wanting to also have a word with Mrs. Cacca. They knock, to no avail.
“Git-git-git-git-git” emerges from the sewer drain.
“I don’t want to litter, however I have no choice” Diana says as she goes to drop the leaking, dead batteries from her microphone into the nearest gutter. Before she has a chance, Bern comes a-running.
“Git-git-git!” sounds Peppi’s mating call.
“Oh I am here, honey!” an attracted Bern Cacca says as she runs to her hubby hiding out in the sewer.
Plop. “Oops did I do that?” Gothic Diana thinks out loud as she drops the dead AA Imbecells into the drain.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Peppi exclaims, barely dodging the battery acid.
Needless to say, Bern and Peppi’s romantic moment was ruined.
The crestfallen Caccas retire to their shack next-door to the Midnight Supremes.
As they drift off to sleep, sirens grow louder, and a knock is heard at the Caccas’ entrance.
“Hee-hee” Gothic Diana says as she fist-bumps The Midnight Supremes.