Cast of Characters

CREDIT RECOVERY ASSOCIATES (CRASS), LLC

“We are CRASS.” — CRASS corporate slogan

Sybil Katrina Kibble is the Lead Collections Representative at the debt collection firm, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) of Kankakee, Illinois. She loves money and excels at collecting it using her patented “double or nothing” technique, in which she settles for nothing less than double what her debtor can afford to pay. She lives in a rather large house, rents out her basement to her mother, JoAnn, and enjoys the taste of dog food. Her favorite brands are the cheaper ones, and she has been known to go door to door begging for free dog foodage.

“I’m overworked and underpaid!”

“Gimme my Form 4!” — Sybil

Sybil loves the colour brown, more poopy the better. She wears a lot of black, white, brown and yellow; decorates her house using the same colors. She thinks bright colours are for wusses and people with good taste, except at work where she has painted her entire cubicle hot pink. A basic babe who loves her white Chrysler LeBaron, Sybil decorated her house full of chock full of “live laugh love” decor, country kitchen crap, and nautical motifs.

“Is that a lighthouse or are you just happy to see me?” — Sybil

Sybil has decorated her car with “Life is Good” stickers and those pink doe stickers that look more like an abstract wrench than a deer. She does not hunt; she adorned her car with them because they are trendy.

Sybil loves modern country music with auto-tuned vocals to add extra twang to the twangity twang. She also loves mumble rap and bringing her ma JoAnn to the Annual CRASS Take Your Parents to Work Day.

JoAnn Kissane “JK” Kibble is Sybil’s mother. Born in Carbondale, Illinois, she is a retired school bus driver who lives in the basement of Sybil’s house in Kankakee.

She had been married to her late second cousin, bus-driver Eldon Willis Kibble of Elgin, who had jilted JK to take a powder to Chicago after having a fling with the much younger Lila Croule.

Though Sybil does not know of the affair, she sees a lot of herself in the outspoken yet grumpy stylist Lila.

JK loves watching hockey, crushing candy and boring people with her hour-long tangents about her school-bus parts collection when she is not too busy re-arranging her crap to actually come through with her promises to hang out with people. Then again, who would want to meet up with this moron on purpose?

Mack E. Avelli is the 58 year old CRASS CEO. He is married to 22 year old Judy Avelli. His catchphrase is “work hard, play hard”, Mack has been known to adore production schemes and his one hobby is photographing roadkill.

Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant is CRASS’s Chief of Accounting. He spends his day cooking the books and feels the Sarbanes-Oxley Act does not apply to him. He also enjoys stirring the pot, though he is a poor cook. Like Sybil, he is deathly afraid of flying. Kon’s interests include big bags (of money), the anti-vaxxer movement and convincing people that the Earth is flat. He does not like The Grateful Dead, complaining that their jam sessions are a waste of his time. Konrad also owns the Teirant Cinema-13 in Kankakee.

Kon lives with his wife Madeline “Mad Woman” Topolla-Teirant, mother to his three kids Bratley, Chanel # 6 and * in their Aroma Park home. In his spare time, he travels the country performing his Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets – with juggling clown Madeline and his Elvis impersonator buddy Robbie Hurlbutt. Kon claims to have written a book, however when asked, he just says “Google it.” It’s probably just some QAnonsense droppings spread all over 4chan.

“Turn the pot slowly.” — Sybil to Kon

Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant is a sociopath and manager of Kankakee’s Number One Apartments. Her bark is worse than her bite. She comes across as tough but is terrified deep down inside of those who dare stand up to her. Madeline drives an SUV covered in stinky pink drink decals.

She lives in Aroma Park with her husband Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant, CRASS’s Chief of Accounting and owner of Teirant Cinema-13, with whom she performs alongside in the touring Vaudeville act the Moronic Half-Assets.

Clio Bersola is the Human Resources Manager and Chairperson of the Guys and Gals Glee Committee at CRASS. Clio is in charge of the bi-annual Merit Award Ceremonies and has enough pep to go around all of Kankakee County.

To improve morale at CRASS, Clio encourages participation in the Two Different Socks Day, Wear Your Clothes Backward Day, and Speak in Pig Latin Day. She is a huge fan of the early 1990s rap group Kris Kross, the rapper Kanye West and the TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Sometimes she brings her green budgie Trixie into work.

“Cleep cleep!” — Trixie

The name’s Clio for the last time, Trixie. Arrrrrrgh!” — Clio

Tara Bull is Sybil’s supervisor and Accounts Receivable Manager at CRASS. Tara and Sybil have been known to lock horns at times.

Dale F. Davis is a Collections Representative at CRASS. He is obsessed with running to the point of addiction, as he loves the runner’s high. He runs in place during calls and audibly tests his heart rate on his wristwatch while trying to collect money. A self-proclaimed “nice guy,” Dale has a massive crush on his boss Sybil and refuses to take no for an answer.
“I am worth your time.” “We can do things the way we have always done it, we can do things the Dale way.” — Dale Davis

Mikey “DIY” Philips is the CRASS Operations Manager. He loves to keep it clean, preferably with someone else doing the work so he can play cards on his computer. Mike had made headlines when he and his now estranged former wife wanted to switch their female embryo for a male.

“Do it yourself.” — Mike

The 25-year-old Linda Stay had started out as a Collections Representative. She now works as a purchasing agent and has trouble figuring out which job is more stressful. People find ways to take advantage of her shyness and easy-going nature. Linda loves electronic music, big 1980’s hair and lasagna.

Seventy-something-odd Pamela Frickfrick is not afraid to brag that she’s confidently incorrect. When she’s not working at CRASS, she’s playing with her dancing Elvis Presley bears and building Frickfrick Towers out of LEGOs to spy on her neighbors.

60-something Smokey Ashe was a CRASS collector whose favorite thing to do was smoke, especially inside at work, much to the dismay of her co-workers.

She went off with quite a bang one July 4th in Kankakee County, making the entire sky nice and pretty. How very patriotic. Rumor has it, her evil essence haunts Kankakee to this day.

Nineteen year old Demanda Broccoli was a humanoid veggie who worked collecting CRASS bills and played guitar in the Shaggs cover band Tomato Karen & The Haggs.

Demanda loved doing anything she could to get out of working. Her favorite hobby was running around the office barefoot begging staff to sniff her feet and scribbling on the boss’s marker board.

Bernadette Cacca made a nice meal out of her one day.

THE TOWN BOOBS AND OTHER PEOPLE

Walter Augustine Green is a 64 year old barfly from Kankakee and the owner of Wally Green’s Drug Store. He is the eternal bachelor, due to his lack of charm and less-than-average appearance.

Wally has a reputation for asking women if they are single as soon as he meets them, usually within one or two questions. He keeps talking to ladies whose body language shows they are clearly not interested in him. He has been known to ask women inappropriate questions and hit on beautiful ladies who aren’t remotely interested in dating him, regardless of their marital status.

Wally tells tall tales at the bars and area coffee joints, usually the Gaslight Bar after he got yeeted from the county courthouse where his father had worked. He loves to spin his most colorful yarn, a long-winded story of describing every detail of the supposed distant ancestor who had been the heir to Manhattan Island (or was it Rock Island?) until pirates stole his deed. Wally claims the “Feds” had stolen the deed from pirates and then his family’s attorneys were murdered seeking information as part of a governmental conspiracy.

Born on a farm, Wally had hated working the cornfields. Though he claims he’s a time-traveling wizard who went to alchemy school, he’s really just a dope who bought his chemistry degree off a cereal box

Known for wacky inventions like the Turd Machine, Crap Straps and Mr. Plopsy Canes, you can buy one of them at Wally’s and get another one for one half off (but never free) at your corner Wally Green’s. Be sure to check out the Vampyre Department, next to the pharmacy department where you can expect to wait for more than two hours for your pills after the clerk tells you “just 20 minutes.” No garlic, please.

Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt of Bourbonnais, IL, is the 49 year old communal narcissist son of Pearl “PJ” Hurlbutt and her ex-husband N. Ron.

Damien is divorced because he had verbally abused his wife Lori, to whom he only refers as “Grimace”. In a fit of narcissistic rage, Damien had made the choice to send lunacy letters to Lori’s psychiatry team to smear Lori via his narcsplaining of psychology and psychiatry, even making up a fake diagnosis.

A shopping addict and hoarder, he would rather sleep on the floor and on top of his boxes than buy some furniture. He mops up the lake he creates every time he showers with his moldy socks. Prone to outbursts and wearing socks with his $125.00 sandals, Damien thinks he is a hit with the ladies, and “the last of his species.” Damien has a reputation for spending upwards of $50 on birthday and Easter gifts for his coworkers to impress them.

He was working at the Teirant Cinema-13’s ticket counter and offering free movie tickets to local and online ladies in his feeble attempts to woo them, until he tried to storm Area 51 looking for his then-girlfriend Bernadette M. Cacca. He snores incredibly loud due to his neglected sleep apnea, much to the dismay of the secret base’s contractors.

Robert “Robbie” Roy Gary Hurlbutt of Kankakee, IL is the 46 year old son the Hurlbutts PJ and N. Ron, and brother to Damien. Robbie is a ladies’ man, obsessed with Elvis and is as much a narcissist as his brother Damien, just more of the vulnerable kind. He has a room in his apartment just for his record collection. He has never married, however he has been known to try and impress area women, only to verbally abuse them and discard them for someone else. Robbie has side hustles impersonating Elvis and stealing identities for fun and profit. He thinks he is Elvis. Don’t lock him in the bathroom.

Robbie works as a pharmacy technician at Wally Green’s. He loves his job because he gets to be nasty and rude to his customers, in line with their corporate mission to make as much money as possible, no matter what it takes. Wally Green’s puts profits over people and Robbie idealizes this notion, as well as the management team who implements it.

Robbie’s former con-job roommate Andy Skandees (seen above, to the right of Robbie) had moved out because he wanted to do bigger and better scams. Rumor has it that he had recently scammed someone on the site HomelyFans out of $1200.00 pretending he was a girl. That can buy a lot of drugs!

Robbie had worked as a tray line assistant in a nursing home dietary, skipping out on his shift early after he finished his work. His job description had required him to stick around and clean, however he felt he was too good for those types of tasks.

Rachel Shelley from Detroit, MI was dating Bourbonnais neckbeard and narcissist Damien Hurlbutt, whom she met on OKstupid.

Rachel has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. She administers a “mental health” group which she disguises as a safe space, but is really a front for her to spread dirt about the members. She sends nasty messages to Damien’s ex-wife on Fakebook to harass her on her and then swiftly blocks her so she cannot reply.

She had been secretly cheating on Damien Hurlbutt with junkie Leon Peeonne.

Rachel Shelley regularly sings off key to her pop music tunes with her headphones on, not caring whom is in earshot, and is turned on by Damien’s brother Robbie Hurlbutt’s singing because he sings better than her.

She is dating Damien because she is desperate and secretly using him, just like he is using her. Rumor has it they had been married once.

Lori Brown is the estranged ex-wife of Bourbonnais narcissist and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt. Damien refers to Lori as “Grimace” in private, meanwhile he tries multiple times to win her back so he can mentally abuse her again.

Communal narcissist, “men’s rights activist” and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt mocks his ex-wife Lori for having trouble putting together a vacuum cleaner. Damien had vacuumed, not letting Lori do most of the chores while they were married, conniving Lori into thinking he had done them because he cared when in reality he had done it to control her. He would invite Lori to come along with him to the laundromat to watch him do laundry so he could show off, not letting her do her own wash. He would also make fun of her for taking anti-anxiety medicine. I would feel pretty crappy if I was married to a moron like him.

When they split up, Damien had broke three more new vacuums because he had waited too long to empty the removable cup. Candy wrappers, beer tabs and of wadded up tissues pile up on the floor because Damien is too lazy to throw them out. Damien feels he is destined to work in Hollywood, however he is just a neckbeard, living in his neckbeard-nest.

Gothic Diana Ross of the Midnight Supremes works as a veterinary technician and a Kankakee County Diana Ross impersonator with a gothic twist. She loves caramel iced lattes and brownies from Buckstars.

Local Elvis impersonator, drugstore clerk and vulnerable narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on her and has all her CDs. He dances to her music, doing his make-believe martial arts in his Elvis suit in his bedroom after he kisses her gig posters.

Gothic Diana Ross lives in a Victorian Gothic house with her bandmates Gothic Flo and Gothic Mary, the other two Midnight Supremes. They quarrel on a regular basis with next-door neighbors Bern and Peppi Cacca over their backyard bonfires of portapotty poop, and Bern’s bad driving.

Peppi and Bernadette Cacca own and operate Peppi’s Portapotties. Based in Manteno, Illinois, “King and Queen of the Throne” is their slogan. Peppi raps and Bern sings about portable toilets, accompanying on accordion on their TV commercial.

Bern thinks she is a drag racer because she peels out her Manteno driveway. In fact, Bern loves driving badly so much, she races her enablers around town in their own cars to kiss their butts and dare the police to not give her tickets.

“Butt officer, I’m only speeding because I got the Hershey Squirts.”
– Bernadette Cacca

Peppi’s hobbies are drinking, puking and smoking cheap weed, the skunkier the better. Bernadette’s hobbies are seeking attention, burning poopies and hanging out in the swamp so she can lure unsuspecting men to devour. She also loves to talk about the wonderful world of craptocoins, mined from her very own NFTs: Newly Formed Turds.

Communal narc-a-doodle Bernadette is proud of her weekly charity broadcasts for the Manteno Optimal Club, where she sings show-tunes and plays accordion to make herself look good. After all, Bern thinks she is everybody’s friend, a national treasure, an icon and entremanure extraordinaire. She does not care about the charity at all, only playing charity gigs to maintain her squeaky-clean image.

She is also very good at getting yeeted.

This 68 year old fartknocker sports a head full of salt and pepper hair, usually covered up by a ball cap. His eyes glow red and he eats brains for dinner (but prefers poopies).

This Miami Dolphenergans fan gate-keeps in Fakebook groups. Greg brags about his biggest life achievement, having seen someone in 1991 going down the road who owned one. The one-and-only 1988 Chrysler Conquest TSi – just like the one Gothic Diana Ross drives but in red – Greg witnessed the most important event in his life and tells everybody about it.

Undead Greg stopped driving due to DUIs; he lost his license before the slow-burn-virus took over his undead corpse. Now he can only watch people going down the road who own one. He is butthurt because he no longer can legally hunt down the living driving his Ford imbecile machine, covered in obnoxious decals, bearing wheels way too large for the body.

Ableist as it gets, Greg audibly harasses disabled folks on the bus, stalking them in cafés. He thinks they should work and accuses every disabled young person of “faking it” and tag teams with his buddy Pris Dixon to bully strangers since he is a scared wuss with no life.

Bern Cacca’s biggest fan, Greg made a BernCaccaFans Fakebook account and apsires to be president of her fan club, The Poopy Groupies.

He desperately needs a hobby. Manteno residents hope he gets one soon. He was last seen one night roaming around Evansville, Indiana looking for brains and a TV tuned into “The AAAAANT & DING Show.”

Sybil Kibble thinks her next-door-neighbor, the whiny, meddling mother to the Hurlbutt clan, Pearl Jo “PJ” Hurlbutt, is the bees’ knees. She wishes she could be as annoying as her.

Meet N. Ron, estranged father of Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt and former husband of PJ.

PJ had split with N. Ron because of his abusive behavior. Meanwhile, he had been cheating behind her back for years. Robbie blames his misery on his parents’ divorce; they split when he was 12. Damien does not like to come around his father because he is the only person that hoards more than he does. Everything is a competition for these narcissists. Damien wishes he could win.

Robbie has a covert tendency to argue with his mother when she asks him for help moving things. In a competition to see who is more petty, PJ passive-aggressively adds more chores when Robbie refuses, more ridiculous the more he complains.

N. Ron’s specialty is defrauding car insurance companies by faking vehicle damage for the money. He has a penchant for D. movies — not B movies but D movies — the worse the better.

N. Ron might be found somewhere in the middle of Kankakee County.

Leona Krabalsky is the Grouch Whisperer of Kankakee County. She is such a moron, Sybil aspires to be her. You read that right; Sybil Kibble wishes not just to be like Leona, but to BE her. She has a son named Leon who took the last name of her first husband, Joshua Peonne. Leon, a heroin addict, goes in and out of rehab. He does not want to give up his drug because he likes it too much. Leona loves hanging out under bridges, spooking people and selling useless crap.

Doris Krabalsky is Kankakee town troll Leona Krabalsky’s younger sister who sells essential snake oils, investments you can sell your friends, and stinky pink drinks online and on the streets. Meet her at midnight.

“Look ma, no seat belt! Meet malignant narcissist and junk emailer Pat Oswald Splatt. He is a 50-year-old part time art film student at Kankakee Community College who bullies people in real life and online for the sake of enjoyment. How stupid. He gets the most enjoyment out of bullying disabled people, especially those on the autism spectrum. He has no friends except for Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt due to his sour attitude and arguing with people for the sake of arguing, even when he knows he is wrong and nobody cares.

Obsessed with Dorian Gray, Pat has a Fakebook account under the alias “Pat Gray” where he pretends he is autistic so he can target and bully folks on the autism spectrum. Pat is pathologically jealous of other artists, especially those who are good at networking and have met his favorite artists. Pat blames other people for not getting what he wants and is very unhappy with his lack of success as a painter and filmmaker.

His art technique and style lacks in quality, however he thinks he is the greatest artist in all of Kankakee County and is not afraid to tell people.

As a high school senior, he tried to make a pass at a beautiful first week sophomore who was brand new to the school. However, she rejected him. He was never the same again.

To help pay his rent, Pat supplements his income by organizing petty crime and sending junk emails. Pat really loves spam. Yum.

Brandon Dixon owns Brandon’s Imbecile Machines and has two small children with his wife Pris..

Brandon is well-known throughout Kankakee County for driving a very shiny, overly-lifted truck with extra large wheels, and a very small bed, covered with obnoxiously sexist decals.

He parks it in the middle of the donut shop lot where he hangs out, because he thinks he is too good for parking spaces. He is a juggalo and once tried out as a clown for the traveling Vaudeville act, the Moronic Half-Assets (MHA).

Brandon is currently starring in “Road Rage” playing all across Illinois.

Wife of Brandon Dixon (owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines) and mother to his kids; Priscilla “Pris” Dixon is highly nosey, butts into strangers’ business, and does not believe in answering to knocks on the public washroom door.

Pris was raised by wealthy parents who gave her everything she wanted. Pris feels that, because she is a parent, she should cut in line at the cafes and burger joints. She dislikes the child-free by choice and gets her kicks by invalidating their feelings. Pris feels that only parents can make a valid point, and that life does not begin until you become a mother or father.

Dr. Edward “Lyin’ Eddie” Dixon is father to Brandon. Eddie is a low-level sociopath who winds people up by doing dumb things, like taking their food at the cafe by “mistake”, staring at women, reading aloud at a quite cafe, bothering strangers with mindless chatter, and going into all-you-can eat buffets to eat all the food so nobody else can have it.

He is not known for having the best bedside manner.

Lucy Furr Dixon is Brandon’s late mother. She had considered her greatest life-accomplishment her bullying of an autistic girl on their university trip to Italy. She had been working as a Medical Office Assistant for her husband, and hired her daughter-in-law Pris Dixon to give the patients crap like she did.

She currently works as Hell’s in-processing clerk, asking the newly damned to sign the register, and breaking up fights between the Kevins and Karens who want to take over.

Barry Reynolds got fired from his job as a road-test proctor for the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, and started his own college called “Dr. Mathew B. Johnson School of Intrepid Arts” – a school he named after his favorite academic leader and best friend – in Albion, Indiana.

He taught martial arts, fencing and telekinesis until it got shut down because…you know…PSI balls are not real. Then he opened up a mixed moronic arts consulting firm under a different name.

Barry’s equally scary wife Terry Reynolds operates a constrution…I mean…construction company and loves making money from useless pet projects. She is secretly a daemon.

Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran

Shapeshifting humanoid vulture Carla Moran found out unexpectedly that she was pregnant with her daughter Bernadette after partying a little too hard with a flock of cuckoos.

Hoping to dump her unwanted baby, she flew over a swamp and laid an egg. Little did she know that this rotten egg would hatch and a little baby swamp witch would emerge. She should have used birth control.

To this day Carla Moran stalks and harasses her spawnage, kinda how Bern Moran Cacca stalks her neighbors Gothic Diana Ross and The Midnight Supremes. The crabapple does not fall far from the tree.

Her bird-of-a-feather aunt Sonya Marie Smith Moran had named her Bernadette. Sonya initially watched over baby Bernadette, spoiling her with all kinds of creepy dolls and broken toys to fill the bog while she swam and pooped.

“Can I swim with you? It’s 95 degrees. I brought my suit.”

“No lady, this is my swamp.”

Sneaky Sonya had come back to visit Bernadette as a child, insulting her appearance and gaslighting her while nobody was looking and then promoting the heck outta the vengeful teenaged swamp-witch in the local papers whenever she acted out in a play or had a poopy piano recital. She, like Bernadette, had only done it for the photo opportunity. Looks are deceiving.

Instead of learning what NOT to do, Bernadette chose to act like a sneaky, vengeful, envious little moron who loves to poop and devour the living. Sonya accidentally on purpose had taught lil Miss Bern to become as big a narc-a-doodle as she, before flying the coop to Area 51.

Sonya and Carla had been known to peck at each other and ruffle each other’s feathers.

Aunt Sonya was the president of niece Bernadette’s fan-club and owner of the Manteno Optimal Club, until she mysteriously took flight after she hit narcissistic rock-bottom, never to be seen again. Northern Illinois and Indiana residents don’t miss her, nor do her tenants.