Category: humor

MoronicArts Classics: Bernadette Cacca Joins The Illuminati?

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After hearing Manteno entramanure, communal narcadoodle and bog witch Bernadette Cacca’s kazoo showtune covers on her husband Brandon’s phone, Pris Dixon tells Bernadette she is her biggest fan and wants to join her fan club, the Poopy Groupies.

After reading the fan message Mrs. Dixon had delightfully shoved into Bern’s inbox, BM Cacca reads this message posted to her Fakebook wall:

“You have been pre-approved to join the Illuminati! Have fun gaining wealth, power and glory in this secret society! Just pay a $19.99 convenience fee to start!

Text “JOIN” to 23

Or contact Emperor Norton to unsubscribe.

Fnord”

Bernadette of course falls for the scamvertisement, and brags at her next Manteno Optimal Club Charity Concert for Tips and Giggles that she had become the world’s newest Illuminatus. Then she blows some more cover tunes out her butt-trumpet.

Pris Dixon interrupts the gig to deliver a special news bulletin, special only in her mind. She complains she did not get her welcome letter, membership card and poop emoji decal. Bernadette farts in her face and keeps on playing, not missing a butt…umm…beat.

“I need to talk to the manager!”

“OK Karen!” one of Bern’s bumlickers heckles Mrs. Dixon.

Sonya Marie Smith Moran, President of The Poopy Groupies pulls Pris Dixon aside.

“Prius, did you pay in Craptocoin?”

“It’s Pris, short for Priscilla. No, I paid cash. Cash is king ya know?”

“We only accept Craptocoin.”

Pris storms out Manteno Optimal Club and calls her hubs, Brandon Dixon, to pick her up.

Brandon pulls his imbecile machine into the middle of the lot, and realizes his biggest crush is inside singing.

The dysfunctional Dixons have a spat and Brandon runs inside to hopefully get an autograph from his steaming hot crush, Bernadette Cacca from the car auto warranty messages. Pris sits alone inside Brandon’s overly lifted shiny white truck, decorated in sexist decals and MAGAt stickers, and rips a huge fart. Of course, she does not roll down the windows because she loves the smell of her own noxious waste.

“Is this…Bernadette…KaCo?”

“It’s Cacca.”

“Hello Mrs. Cankles. This is Mephisto Smith from the Illuminati. Your application got rejected due to insufficient funds.”

“Oh I have plenty of fun. I just met this AWESOME man here at my—“

“Funds. Your transaction failed. We cannot extend you our exclusive fame and fortune unless you pay us first.”

“Oh, let me whip up another batch of NFTs.”

“Mrs. Cocky, I said NSF. In-suff-icient FUNDS.”

“Newly formed turds! I mine my craptocoin the old fashioned way.”

“You need to wire me 19.99 plus a $23 dollar inconvenience fee, or we will reject your application.”

“What’s going on, beautiful lady, Manteno’s very own national treasure?” Brandon Dixon asks the steaming mad pile of crap Bernadette.

Bernadette storms out and slithers her way into the swamp for the night, putting the extra in bog-witch-extraordinaire.

“Honk honk! A-you-ga!” Brandon’s imbecile machine cat-calls as Pris lays on the horn. Brandon reluctantly drives his wife home and barely makes it. Pris of course was running its engine the whole time, because you know, it’s cold?

Behind the Moroniverse: Namely these idiots.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
View all responses

Why stop at first names when we can talk about the entire moronic moniker manufacturing process?

image: color cartoon depicting cartoon poop emojis burning in the fireplace

After doing port-a-jobs, queen of the plastic throne Bernadette Moran Cacca likes to “Bern” the port-a-poopies in her fireplace after lighting her farts to kindle the BMs. Meanwhile her other half (one of them anyway), Peppi Peter Cacca rolls the port-a-pee into his skunkweed to make it smell extra skunky, much to the chagrin of next-door-neighbors Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes.

Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt‘smother PJ loves to brag about the night her Rotten little Robbie/Elvis impersonator and vulnerable narc was conceived…in Gary, Indiana.

“RRGH!”
– Robbie Hurlbutt

Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt was straight up daemonic to his ex-wife Lori. Not anticipating consequences, the communal narcadoodle tried to storm Area 51, only to get captured by the Camo Dudettes and brought into the Alternative Fuels Department for daily flatulence testing. He’s the world’s largest source of natural gas…so…DUH!

Walter Augustine Green has been looking for the magnet to his steel, hoping to impress ladies at The Gaslight Bar with his tall tales of grandeur and playing of the nose air-horn since he cannot carry a tune to save his life…though that doesn’t stop him from trying.

Krispy Münchausen tells even taller tales than Wally, punches co-workers when she doesn’t get her way, and teaches locals how to steal lawn ornaments. She had purposely homeschooled her four kids to isolate them socially and keep them from learning important subjects like science and history, replacing them with Flat Earth yarns and antivaxxer poopaganda. One time she SWATted Gothic Diana Ross along with her sisters — then had the audacity to demand an apology from THEM! She brags about her plans to fly to the Moon to “prove to the world that it’s flatter than a pancake,” those unwillingly in her orbit wish she would take a rocket there and never come back.

Wally Green’s Rejected Patents

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Kankakee County ladies’ man Wally Green has been notorious for his wacky inventions for quite some time. Some of his ideas have made it into his drug stores. Others failed to pass patent approval and almost landed him in prison.

Finger Ale

Made from real fingers, this new organic health drink was set to be the new health craze, only it failed FDA requirements, and put Wally on several law enforcement watch lists.

Toiliot

This production-oriented, automated toilet would flush well ahead of schedule and make sure to splash its user, doubling as a bedde. As an added bonus, Toiliot would entertain people by making fart noises after flushing, much like Wally would when he blew his nose.

Passhole

This computer program would require its user to type in their password correct the first time. Any error would result in electric shock and their account locking up immediately.

Do not look for these products at a Wally Green’s near you. Just don’t. We’re warning you.

Should Wally Green Go Into The Furniture Business?

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Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green wants to open up a furniture store. Just think of all the annoying commercials he can make! Buy one get one half off (but never free) at your corner Wally Green’s!

Text and image describing how engineer Colin Furze invented the "High Voltage Ejector Bed."

Tribbles: The More They Eat, The More They Poop.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

“Oh no! Darned Tribbles, they’re pooping everywhere!” Commissioner Ferrris complains at Captain Kirk.

Mr. Spock fetches a bag from a USS Enterprise supply compartment, holds it up, gives Mr. Ferrris a solution:

“Captain’s Log, Tribble Litter. Put this in a box. It will work. Vulcan’s honor!”

JoAnn Kibble Gets Squirrely (but not like Dan)

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

“Look sunshine’, I made a couple friends!” JoAnn Kibble tells her daughter Sybil who continues to scroll social media while laying down on her mother’s day bed in the nautical themed den.

“Aren’t they adorable? I’m going to call them Dee and Cee.”

Sybil continues to tune out her mother.

“Okay now, show me your nuts!”

Sybil Kibble gasps.

“Eeeek! Get those illegal rodents out of your apartment now!” Sybil commands her mother and tenant, who goes outside to play with her pals.

Damien’s Damsel in Duress

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Neckbeard narcadoodle of the communal kind, and captured test subject at Area 51, Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt recites a poem in his bedhead hoping to summon the woman of his dreams:

Now I lay down in my cage

I seek M’lady around my age

Someone who really loves nice guys

And does not care I wear a disguise.

To M’lady, madame,

this

old soul

tips his hat,

‘Cos chivalry is where

It’s really at.

I really want to smell your feet,

Stinky soles make my heart beat.

If I cry before I wake,

It’s just my butt about to quake.

So I say to my lady oh so fair,

Let me ask, R U Out There?

“No, I’m in here!” Sonya-Daemon screams, having shapeshifted slightly, before skitting away.

“Now Satan, don’t send me on that job again. I only went because forced me! I’d rather rake the coals of Hell than deal with that creep!”

“Calm down, Sonya. You’re going to be down here awhile.”

Now playing: tales of the Moroniverse (but you can hear them):

Collector Gone Wild!

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Kankakee supervisor, LeBaron driver and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble loves bills so much, she collects them. She has collected so many over the years at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) she was eventually promoted to team leader. Sybil is also the undisputed CRASS champion of the company’s annual Medication Pronunciation Competition, having won it every year since she started.

Holiday Cheer from the Moroniverse!

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Kankakee bill collector and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble hopes you LiveLaughLove your holiday season and that Santa throws her a bone…preferably a milk bone.

Wally Green’s Drugstore “Improvements”

~ Jen ~ 5 Comments

Deerfield-born ladies’ man, drugstore owner and wacky inventor Wally Green wants all his customers to know he cares. After partnering with corrupted contractor Terry Reynolds of Albion, Indiana, he is doing some “CONSTRUTION” to renovate his stores.

FART CARTS

These shopping carts play the brown note when you get within 10 feet of the store’s door, making you crap your pants to punish you for not putting the cart away

404 COUPONS NOT FOUND 

These 404 page coupon booklets are designed with only some pages numbered, confusing Wally’s customers on purpose because Wally hopes they will give up and die trying before finding their coupon of choice. 

CLICKETY-CLAPPETY INTERCOM MUSIC

Do you like hearing the same 15-second piano loop every time you call Wally Green’s pharmacy? Wally partnered with the same firm who produced every single commercial that ran on television for the past three years to create 30-second loops using only finger snaps, hand-claps and “boom” sounds…the latter lifted from the Queen song “We Will Rock You.” It is the only music more repetitive than that of pop singer John Mayer. Marshall Stacks will be installed outside every store to make sure his neighbors hear it too.

TRAP DOOR CHILD SEATS

In an effort to save the almighty dollar, Wally Green’s is ceasing to repair the child-seat straps in their carts. At random, your coffee, purse or child will get trapped in the cart, or maybe even your fingers! We promise to keep delivering our buy one, get one half off (but never free) sales, and cutting expenses at all costs enables us to keep offering these sales to our beloved customers!