At last, we finally know who makes those car warranty calls.

Kankakee’s Used Imbecile Machine dealer Brandon Dixon thought Out of Warranty Experience called him. Nope — Tyrell Corporation started selling extended auto warranties after Deckard retired the Nexus-6 Replicants in November 2019.

Reaction time is important, so please pay attention.

Please Stand By Your Device…

Due to a rift in the space-time continuum in the Moroniverse, Damien Hurlbutt made a brief appearance yesterday, August 10th. We apologize for the technical difficulties. Damien is back at Area 51, serving as a test subject for fart removal experiments. Thankfully he did not poop out any cakes.

Fan Mail – A Real CRASS Message!

This guy is Pat Splatt’s biggest fan! Thank you Internet stranger for role-playing as Kankakee’s biggest huckster and junk-emailer! Pat thanks you for all the love and for taking time outta your busy day to slide into the inbox of the We Are CRASS business page on Facebook.

The Struggle Is Real, Fakebook.

Don’t want to see that post? Just refresh Fakebook and you will see it again on a recursive loop! Why do senior leaders at mega-corporations get paid a lot of money to make moronic decisions? Just like a dog licking his ‘nads, they do it because they CAN.

The Chickenheads Debut Their New EEP-PEE!

Kankakee Rappers Ty-Fowl and D-Fail (Tyrell Fowler and Doug Failure) debut their new Extended Play rap record, “All About Us!”

  1. Hooray For Superficiality!
  2. The Chicken Dance (Farmer Hurlbutt’s Extra Clucks Remix)
  3. Let’s Do Something (Other Than Sex)
  4. Things That Make You Go Ppppphphppppplttttt!
  5. Let’s All Go (To Sleep)
  6. 6 Degrees and Rising (Hell Freezes Over Mix)
  7. I’m In Hate With You
  8. We’re Poor & We Don’t Score (Every Hoop We Shoot Is A Whiff) Feat. Roe-Mello Fowler
  9. The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Mix)
  10. The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Low-Pass Mix)

Coming soon to AudioCumulus!

This Is A Buckstars

“Where is the jungle gym?” Chanel Teirant asks the busy Bourbonnais café staff, while her sister * dances and brother Bratley joins her pirouette. Mother and Dumpster Clown Madeline Topolla-Teirant Cheers them on.

“Ma’am, this is a Buckstars.”

Boundary Crossing Competition: Who Will Win?

Dealing with narcissists can be a real hurdle. They cross boundaries like it is a competition. Who will win?

Manteno communal narc-a-doodle and entremanure Bernadette Cacca, who plays charity accordion-covers only for the photo opportunity?

Peppi Cacca who only have love for skunkweed?

Kankakee’s Number One Elvis impersonator (who thinks he is really Elvis) and vulnerable narc Robbie Hurlbutt?

Does anybody need to win?

Coming soon: Narc Island – Where all the narcissists are cast away to an uninhabited island to fend for themselves – and leave the rest of us alone. Stay tuned!

Fan Art – Damien Hurlbutt

(Submitted by a fan who requested anonymity)

Over toward the right…that you Damien? Yup, somebody lurks in the shadows.

Thank you for painting the Bourbonnais MRA Club president, neckbeard and communal narcadoodle Damien Hurlbutt into the background of your horror art!

MoronicArts Pranks an Ungrateful Scam Caller

“Kevin” made Sybil Kibble an offer she could certainly refuse, so why won’t he accept her coupons as payment? All he had to do was give me his address.

MoronicArts Bores a Scammer with Gothic Diana Ross, Portapotties and Siberia

“Mary” from Delhi, India called from a spoofed New York number to ask nosey medical questions.

MoronicArts wasted this scammer’s time boring her about Gothic Diana Ross, Peppi’s Portopotties and Norilsk, Russia so she cannot use that time to try and rip off other people.

Get a real job, “Mary.”