Tag: absurdism

Doug “D-Fail” Failure challenges Darth Vader.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Chickenheads rapper, disgraced former management consultant and wannabe Sith Lord Doug Failure, known by his stage name “D-Fail” calls Luke Skywalker into his office after having given out awards to all staff members except him, including ones who had who had missed their targets.

“Does your skin give off an odor?”

“What?”

“I’m telling you this as your friend. You stink. Don’t tell anyone we had this meeting.”

“What’s your problem?” Luke replies, confused.

“I know you’ve got thumbs on me. If you don’t like me, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until you meet MY BOSS!”

Luke just shakes his heads and walks out.

Narcadoodle-doo D-Fail has decided to run against Darth Vader to become the next Emperor of the Galaxy, convinced that he will win without a shred of a doubt.

“Vote for me, the onus is on you” quoth his campaign slogan; book, chapter and verse.

“And buy our new Chickenheads album “All About Us!” containing these sick tracks!”

Doug reads off his the names of his eight home-made mumble-rap tunes:

Hooray For Superficiality!
The Chicken Dance (Farmer Hurlbutt’s Extra Clucks Remix)
Let’s Do Something (Other Than Make Love)
Things That Make You Go Ppppphphppppplttttt!
Let’s All Go (To Sleep)
6 Degrees and Rising (Hell Freezes Over Mix)
I’m In Hate With You
We’re Poor & We Don’t Score (Every Hoop We Shoot Is A Whiff) Feat. Roe-Mello Fowler
The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Mix)
The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Low-Pass Mix)

Mr. Failure then chants…err…mumbles his war cry, from his new album he performed with his buddy Tyrell “Ty-Fowl” Fowler:

“We’re poor, we’re poor and we don’t score.
We’re poor, we’re poor and we don’t score.
Every hoop we shoot is a whiff!
Every shot we make is a miss…”

“Free tickets for our Galaxy-wide tour for everyone who votes for me!”

Hoping to win the Galaxy over by getting them to feel sorry for him via his rap campaign, little does Lil Dougie Failure know that the very employee he had been scapegoating has some important connections to his challenger…not to mention that his rapping sucks.

The Moroniverse

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?
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Who would want to hang out with this band of fools?

Unlike the real Midwest, where I had lived for five-and-a-half-years, this fictional version is kind of like the dystopian Little Dark Age we’re living in — but goofier.

Although I must say, I would love to hang out with Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes. Can you blame me?

Things These Morons LiveLaughLove.

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Daily writing prompt
What are three objects you couldn’t live without?
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“Dog bones, water, washrooms”
– Sybil Kibble, Bill Collector, Kankakee


”Life, death and everything in-between”
– Gothic Diana Ross, Singer and Vet Tech, Manteno



”Showers, fedoras and food that’s not corn…preferably cheeseburgers and fries…M’lady.“
– Damien Hurlbutt, Area 51 test subject (Formerly of Bourbonnais and Champaign



”Elvis records, blue suede shoes and fine women!”
– Robbie Hurlbutt, singer and pharmacy clerk, Kankakee



“Poop, poop and more poop”
– Bernadette M. Cacca, entramanure, Manteno




Crapstraps, Turd Machines and Mr. Plopsy Canes. I should know, I invented them myself!”
– Wally Green, Pharmacy chain owner, Bradley (Formerly of Deerfield)

Mixed Signals

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Why do people who are fun to talk with prefer texting, while the ones you wish would buzz off always seem to call?

Not aiming a Turd Machine at the people next door

~ Jen ~ 5 Comments

Wally Green’s word-salad adapter for the Turd Machine Deluxe.

Daily writing prompt
What makes a good neighbor?
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Twelve turd machines left. Someone stole eight of them!”  Bernadette growls angrily and proceeds to mount not one but four turd machines, including one she aims out her kitchen window directly at Gothic Diana Ross’ slate Victorian house.

The next day, Gothic Diana Ross briefly steps outdoors to check her mail.

“Bang bang, you’re dead, fifty bullets in the head” Bernadette sings as she cranks the turd machine, firing at Diana and missing every shot. Diana makes it inside, unscathed but angry.

FULL STORY:

Peppi’s Poopy Problems

Moronic Munchies

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite types of foods?
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“Anything that gives me good poops so I can burn them later”
– Bern M. Cacca, Bog witch and port-a-potty empress

“Carrion usually, but I will fly great distances to get the best filet mignon.”
– Carla Moran, Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and sterile supply technician

I wanna suck your blood…I mean eat some rabbit pellets. They come out the same way they go in. Whatever you do, keep the garlic away. If you lie and tell me there’s no garlic in your blood I’ll know cuz I have ESP and PMS. I’m a witch who knows it ALL. You can have that one for free. Next customer!
– Missy Rabbit, Psychic Vampyre

“Dog food, any kind, but I prefer Alpo.. Never Brand X though, I can’t stand Elon Musk.”
– Sybil Kibble, Debt collector

“Anything but corn”
– Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt, Area 51 test subject

“We’re all carnivores”
– Tomato Karen & The Haggs

“Brains, brains, branes, braiiiiinnnnz…or poopies.”
– Undead Greg Schneissder

Take Your Parents to Work Day!

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Daily writing prompt
Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.
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Bring Your Parents To Work Day

Every year on September 31, Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) wants staff to bring their parents in to have fun at their team-building events like the Medicine Pronouncing Contest, Browser Loading Race and Bill-Collector Speed Dating.

Collections Team Leader Sybil Kibble brought her ma JoAnn to enjoy learning how to bother people on the phone to ask for money they likely do not even owe, and her mother took 3rd prize in the CRASS Idol singing competition. Sybil took last place because her mouth was full of dog bones while she tried to belt a tune.

Turd Machines, Glassholes and more! – Wally Green

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?
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“Try my new Word Salad Adapter, compatible with all Turd Machine Deluxe models! Buy one, get one half off (but never free)” at your corner Wally Green’s!

Be sure to store your Wally Green’s debit card in your spring-loaded Wallyt!

Oh and ladies, I am single and ready to mingle! Tell me your sign and I will tell you about the time my distant ancestors once owned the deed to Manhattan only to be stolen by pirates!

– Walter Augustine Green

Close your eyes…

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Imagine a debit card with a 69% introductory UFO on purchases (for complete pricking information and impotent terms and conditions, policing of services, delimiters, modifiers and values, please clink on the lick below) and a 30-second online alien abduction (subject yourself to verification).

Apply now at Wally Green’s for an Area 51 Visa credit card!

“You might never encounter an offer quite close to being this good!” — Wally Green, Founder of Wally Green’s drugstore, inventor of the Turd Machine Deluxe and invader of spaces.

Coming soon: Alien Abduction Insurance. It’s hot!