Tag: amwriting

Bottom Feeder

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Damien strokes his orange neckbeard and pulls his blue jeans over his gut hanging out his too-small tee.

Damien’s flip phone plays a distorted ringer from a television theme song he had recorded with his phone.

“Hey Robbie!”

“Hey, hey.” Robbie says in his faux-Elvis tone.

“I’m back.”

“I’m front.” Robbie sarcastically says, using his routine gag.

“Hey Robbie, good timing. These tampon and maxi pad commercials keep interruping my shows. I swear this company knows I am watching and eating.”

“Call them up. I see those ads on those tapes you give me. It is funny because that cartoon comes on every Sunday night, and the show takes place in the capital of Illinois.”

“I think I will complain”. Damien hangs up his phone and goes to his computer. He types this message:

——

From: “Damien U. Hurlbutt” [ConnivingPimp@hautemail.con]

To: customerservice@bottomlineprodux.calm

Subject: Stop interrupting my shows!

It has come to my attention that your advertising interrupts my manly programming. You, a maker of feminine products, constantly interrupt me while I eat during my favorite shows. Obviously, you know that the shows you play your ads during are shows for men, yet your products are for women. Stop showing your ads while I eat!

Sincerely,

A manly man

——

The next day, Damien is sitting down, watching reruns of the Dude Show. “Not another tampon ad! I just started eating my mushroom cheeseburgers!”

Damien really likes his cheeseburgers and fries.

He hears a ding on his phone, indicating he has a new email, which he reads:

——

To: “Damien U. Hurlbutt” [ConnivingPimp@hautemail.con]

From: “Customer Care” [customerservice@bottomlineprodux.calm]

Dear Damien:

Thank you for signing up for our mailing list! You will receive daily updates telling you all about our feminine product line. Becuase you provided your cell phone number, we will text you daily, too! Thank you for your interest in our company and for signing up!

The Bottom Line Sanitary Product Divsion

——

MoronicNews Alert

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

How to inform your entire neighborhood that you’re a giant moron

This has been a MoronicNews Alert.

Moron of the Week – Fool on the Hill

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Oh man, the douchenozzle I encountered on yet another medical trip surely wanted to have his way! He rode all the way on his high horse from Toledo to the seats occupied by a nice lady who boarded a few stops earlier in Indiana, and tired me who got on at Chicago.

Like Charlie with his golden ticket, this bunghole headed to Buffalo huffed and puffed because someone else was sitting in seat number 10. No, he did not move to another vacant seat, because that made too much sense. Instead, he made demands that the nice social worker next to me get up from HIS seat.

After the nice lady moved out of sight and mind from this moron, that ennui-consumed piece of work sat down next to me and made demands I plug in his charger. No please, no thank-you, he did not even ask.

I told the bumbling tool he did not have to sit there. After all, if he moved to another seat it would be the exact same thing, just somewhere else on the train. He would even get to his destination. Nope — the dope started calling me names like a schoolyard bully.

But wait — there’s more! The beligerant gentleman made sure to mansplain to me that there is one outlet per passenger. Naaaaw.

I took the high road and found another seat, the fool chose to die on that hill. Good for him — I bet he wants a prize.

Here you go, Fool on the Hill: I award you Moron of the Week! Now go sit down and do your homework. If you are good, you won’t get detention.

Medical trips really suck. Jen wants to travel for fun. Buy her a ko-fi (or just say “hi.”)

The Beatles Rock!

Bern Cacca Is Running in the Drugstore

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Manteno narcissist of the communal kind, and poopyburner extraordinaire, spies a wild Gothic Diana Ross at the local Wally Green’s and runs after her.

“Oh my gawd! I am so happy to see–“

“Go away. I don’t like you.”

Not willing to respect boundaries, nor caring for personal safety, Bern chases Diana into a forest.

The girl was never there.

Bern made her way back into the bog, from where she came.

Moron of the Week – Obsessed Fanboy

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

This sad playboy — I am putting it nicely — got all butthurt when I messaged him looking for friendship. Yes, friends, as in getting to know each other better. When he replied to my intro question showing interest in his hobbies, all he said was he liked those things. I replied asking him what he would like to know about me and what was his response? Wait for it.

He said yes, go ahead. Confused by his comment, I replied with a simple question mark.

Since he was five hours ahead of me, I did not expect a reply, or even to see him online at that point. It was 8:50 PM my time, 1:50 AM his time.

This luser got all butthurt, saying I was interested in him and got rather cross because I asked him to tell me more about himself. You know, what humans do to get acquainted. Figuring he had something to hide, I blocked him. I wanted no more contact.

Today, ennui got the best of his soul, so he sent me this message right here on MoronicArts to try and mansplain dating, music, or whatever it was he thought I was trying to achieve when I wrote him, because my blog is chock-full o’ pretend and real-life morons like him.

Hmmm. Maybe he sees a little bit of Peppi Cacca and Pat Splatt in himself. Or maybe Damien Hurlbutt since Gareth’s Twitter handle “tungstenfedora” screams neckbeard. Why not get yourself an anime waifu like the other neckbeards, Gareth? Maybe he should get a hobby, I have things to do and am very busy.

Meanwhile, Gareth, enjoy your participation trophy, I mean Moron of the Week Award. Hold onto it really tightly, because I need it for the next moron.

This post brought to you by the letters #MotW.

Watch Carly Simon poke fun at neckbeards in her updated video to “You’re So Vain.”

Dale Davis Dreams of a Life With Sybil Kibble

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee bill collector Dale Davis wants to make dollars and cents with his boss, dog-food diner Sybil Kibble.

“I’m worth your time.”

— Dale Francis Davis.

Sybil Can’t Fly.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time again.

Kankakee bill collector and dog-food connoisseur Sybil is so excited for the annual Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) Retreat in Hoboken, New Jersey, she can almost wet herself. However, she cannot fly. She does not want to fly, actually. It is not that she is afraid to fly; she just WON’T.

“I would rather take the train. That is the way to travel.” Miss Kibble barks to Mack E. Avelli, CRASS Chief.

“Do what you want. It will save the company money,” replies Mr. Avelli.

“Oh, I cannot wait! This is going to be so fun!” Sybil bursts out loud, as she runs around the office with great excitement. “I wonder what city I will see first? “Gary? Cleveland? DeMoranville? This is going to be AWE-some!” Sybil brags, while the rest of the office shake their collective heads, and sigh.

Sybil has been on her train for 14 hours. She has not slept all night. The woman behind her has been snoring and her toddler has been wailing like a banshee for the past hour.

An assistant conductor walks by. “Excuse me, what time will we be to Hoboken?”

“This train does not go to Hoboken. Your ticket says Newark.”

“What time, then?” snaps Sybil.

“We are running five hours behind.”

The train eventually pulls into Newark, after driving backward through a muddy lake, slowing for eight freight trains and stopping for six.

Sybil misses her shindig by two hours and takes the lonely train home, and her bragging rights with her.

This post brought to you by Aeroplane and the letters AA.

Moronic Devices

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

New from MoronicArts Productions!

Houdini — The mobile phone that disappears into a new dimension whenever you look for it! You can only find the new Houdini when you are not looking for it. Look for the Houdini at a retailer near you, if you can find it!

KillJoy — The only mp3 player that changes tunes when it wants to, not you! Press its magic buttons and only guess what it may do. Maybe it will shut off, maybe it will switch functions, maybe nothing at all! The KillJoy mp3 player has also been known to steal souls. Use at your own risk.

Mr. Plopsy — This quad cane has a mind of its own! Built with four prongs at the bottom, your new cane will entertain for hours when it wibble-wobbles, then plops! Why get a stable cane when you can get Mr. Plopsy?

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you!

Moron of the Week: Another One Rides The Bus

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

This Karen, aptly named Karen per the passenger next to her, would not stop staring at me and my legs. Since she sat still long enough in her state of ennui, I drew her, tuning out Karen with my music.

Only then, did this Kareny Karen start to make demands. After I got a lot of the sketch done, I took off my headset, and heard Karen insist I stop drawing her. I advised Karen I would stop drawing if she stopped staring. Square deal, right?

But no! Karen made the conscious choice to gaslight me, insisting she was not staring and using the sense of entitlement at the level of your typical neighborhood Karen. She demanded I move my leg because “I was getting medicine all over the seat.” Yes, that invisible medicine you need special Karen powers to see, I had it all over my legs, my eyes, even inside my esophagus. Mmm-hmm.

Karen insisted she was right, after all, she said she 12 years experience in the medical field! I asked where she worked, Dr. Google?

Of course Karen refused to tell me and instead kept making demands, even complaining to the bus driver since the manager was not on board. The bus driver kept on driving, meanwhile Karen kept on Karening.

I award Karen Moron of the Week. No Triforce for you.