“Of all the turd-machines I’ve bought, I love Wally Green’s the most! I get great deals on them, buy one/get one half off (but never free). The other brands just don’t measure up. I love my Turd Machine Deluxes because I can keep my vaults safe to mine Craptocoins the old fashioned way!”
— Bernadette Moran Cacca, Manteno
Pop sales are slow. After brewing up some new ideas, Wally Green decides to it’s time promote his new wine line. Wanting to find a pretty spokeslady (or three) to help sell it, he calls up his girlfriend Bernadette Cacca. Butt, her smell phone keeps sending him to voicemail jail, so he calls up another act.
“It’s now Winesday, and I’m ready to get corkin’.” Wally announces.
“Introducing, Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes!“
The Manteno siblings open up with their number “You Can’t Hurry Death.”
Diana spies her number-one-stalker: vulnerable narcadoodle, Elvis impersonator and store clerk Robbie Hurlbutt.
“Oh snap, what’s he doing here? Doesn’t the store know I have a restraining order against his bum?”
Robbie goes right up to the promotional stage, and winks at the girls. “I got a hunka hunka burnin’ love for yoooouuu!” Robbie sings and starts dancing like a fool. The sisters put down their guitars and stop playing.
“Get bent, Robbie.”
Diana and the other two talented ladies shoo Robbie away, waving their hands like magic wands.
“But he works here, Diana!” Drugstore owner Wally Green says to the trio, making excuses of course. “Now make it rain, ladies!” Wally loves money almost as much as he does pretty ladies, just not their safety or well-being.
Robbie dances his goofy little self over to the wine cooler and shoves every single bottle into his little green shopping cart.
“We have an ICUP at the register. ICUP at the register.”
Before Robbie has a chance to whip out his ID, he has a clean-up on I’ll-Pee.
“Don’t get locked in the washroom!”
“Time to wash those blue suede shoes, now.”
“Elvis has left the drugstore.” After sharing a laugh at their creepy stalker’s expense, the black beauties start singing and playing their gothic cover tunes again.
“Stop! In the name of Death…before you break your crown.”
Meanwhile Wally assists Robbie cleaning up the aftermath from his sprung leak, because he’s good at losing slip-and-fall lawsuits.
“Git! Git!”
“Oh not now honey, I’m pooping…” Manteno entramanure, communal narcadoodle and part-time bog witch Bernadette Moran Cacca rejects her husband Peppi’s mating call as she makes another food baby.
Before she has a chance to light her farts to ignite the port-a-poops (and her own), her husband busts down the door, and pukes all over the floor after having a wee too much moonshine again.
As Hell’s Chief Operating Officer Satan unveils his newly procured “Welcome to Hell” sign — shown off by visiting intern Gothic Diana Ross — in-processing clerk for the newly damned Lucy Furr looks at her boss with visible dismay.
“Isn’t our new sign just peachy?” Satan asks Lucy as Diana continues to model by it, nearly getting hit a baker’s dozen times by the devil’s not-so-careful use of the pulley system.
“Couldn’t our money be better spent on improving working conditions? Hiring more people? Fixing the toilets?” asks the bully known for her tormenting of an autistic 20-something on their college trip to Italy.
“You have your own heated place for the rest of your life. Try being more thankful for the things you have,” Satan passive-aggressively demands of his clerk while sporting a devilish grin.
Meanwhile, communal narcadoodle Bernadette Cacca is still waiting to poop. All the other washrooms in Hell are closed for maintenance.
Poor Dale. They closed the men’s washrooms at Cinema-13 in Bourbonnais, and he has to go realllly badly after drinking all that overpriced pop. After 20 minutes waiting outside the only family stall, he begins to grumble: “What did they do, fall in?”
Tiny twin sister act The Favorites continue talking amongst themselves, flushing repeatedly to make it sound like they need to use the facilities for something other than wasting the time of the pained folks waiting outside in line, Dale’s pants dropping from his legs wiggling. Those little turds.
These tiny twin sisters sing about breaking crap in their new single “Broken” from their album “Broken,” coming soon from Broken Records. Not coming to a store near you. Be sure to see them open up for Vaudeville troupe Moronic Half-Assets (MHA) who bring you all the entertainment with half the budget.
Their favorite hobby is talking to each other in the washroom stalls, making sure to flush repeatedly, pretending to whizz while other ladies line up because they have to actually use the facilities. Bern Cacca would be proud.
Manteno’s favourite pretend-do-gooder Bernadette Cacca plays accordion cover tunes for the Manteno Optimal Club. She also tries raise funds for Ukraine – and of course – the photo opportunity. Why donate anonymously when you can make it look like you care?
She only accepts Craptocoin, mined the old-fashioned way, donating 10 per cent of her tips to charity. She takes the rest home and burns it in her fireplace.
From what is Craptocoin made? NFTs – Newly Formed Turds!
Butt first, Mrs. Cacca has to drink and eat on her campaign to promote irrregularity for her regulars.
Thanos had to take a huge whizz at the café, peeing all over the seat and bathroom floor. Since Thanos thinks he is boss, he left without wiping or washing his hands, leaving the mess for someone else to clean. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you dribble when you piddle. Up and down or in the middle If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up.
Poor Thanos. He has been waiting to use the coffeehouse washroom, growing ever angry by the minute since his latte made him have to go. Meanwhile Robbie Hurlbutt takes up space and time scrolling through Tindling looking for a date.
Lori Brown, the former wife of communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt, regrets her decision to get back with her ex. She has been waiting over an hour for him to finish showering so she can use the washroom. At least he closed the door this time.
MoronicArts 
You must be logged in to post a comment.