Quoth the new advertising blitz on every app, social media and PooTube video:

“Your pharmacy products* will be delivered to your house within one hour of ordering, or Wally will deliver it himself! *Prescriptions excluded (because Wally is too cheap to hire enough pharmacy technicians)“

“Hey kids, it’s staff meeting time! Our pharmacy clerk Robbie got recently re-promoted from the sales floor! Everybody give him a round of applause!”

A slow clap is heard.

“Do I get more money, Mr. Green?”

“Nope, just more work.” Now we have this marketing blitz going on where our customers are guaranteed to get their things within an hour or I will deliver them myself. I order our staff to prioritize the men in the queue, so that the single ladies can score dates with us!” the desperate barfly and wacky inventor Walter Augustine Green orders his primarily straight and bisexual male drugstore staff.

“Are ya sure about that, boss?” Robbie Hurlbutt asks, and giggles. “Sounds like a groovy idea. Can I make the deliveries?”

“No Rob, we need you in the pharmacy.”

Robbie sings audibly some Elvis tunes, passive-aggressively, as his boss leaves to hopefully deliver some love to some Illinois ladies.

Desperate Wally will do anything hoping to score a date. Wally purposely makes the women’s deliveries late, so he can invite himself to all kinds of ladies’ homes.

Ding-dong.

“Hi, Rachel, I have your beers, just sign here.”

“Why are you so late? These should have been here two hours ago. You should be ashamed of yourself. I want a refund.”

“I’m worth a million dollars, let me inside and I will make you feel like even more!”

“I have a boyfriend! Plus you’re a gross old man!”

Rachel Shelley and Wally argue, because Wally won’t take “no” for an answer, until her boyfriend Leon Peeonne chases Wally off their property.

Next stop: Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments. 

Wally calls rapper Tamika Euforia from his car.

“I have your contact lens solution, ma’am.”

Ms. Tamika buzzes Wally in. MC Lyte can be heard Cold Rocking a Party in her apartment.

Wally goes up to the second floor and knocks.

“Hi Tamika! Just sign here.”

The compact, medium skinned woman sporting a buzz-cut signs and goes to shut the door.

“Now wait a minute, lady. Wouldn’t you like to see me, now that you have your contacts?”

“See who?”

“Me. I think you’re cute.”

“Dude, I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh, I like Libyans!”

“It means I like girls, you moron!”

“Me too, why don’t you—“

SLAM!

Next stop, Manteno.

“Peppi’s Port-a-potties, king and queen of the throne.”

“Oh hi, honey. This is Wally Green! I have your stool softeners and fiber pills.”

“You’re awesome! I’ll be right out!”

Entramanure Bernadette Moran Cacca runs out the door, goes to hug Wally with her poopy hands, dirty from emptying out some port-a-loos as he delivers her pills (meanwhile bragging about charity crap she only does for the photo opportunity). Of course, she did not wash her hands.

“I’ll…just put these here.”

Wally sets the bag on the ground, runs to his delivery car and speeds away, almost getting pulled over by that one Bourbonnais cop who drives up and down same main-drag repeatedly.

“Robbie, you can make the deliveries from now on,” Wally tells his pharmacy clerk, and Kankakee’s number one Elvis impersonator.

The more things change at Wally Green’s, the more they stay the same.