New CRASS Computers are a real ENIGMA

Sybil Kibble unveils the new “Enigma” computers for her debt collection team. “How do you get on the Internet?” asks a quizzical Dale Davis. “Just type “INTERNET” and then “RUN.” “How do you load the Collect-o-matic 2000?” a wary Judy Avelli asks. “Just hook the machine up to a parakeet cage and type away.”

Damien Dumped

Damien harasses his ex wife Lori on the 10 year anniversary of his lame showoff proposal to her, even though she is long gone, having left him because of his love fraud and narcissistic abuse. He downvotes all her Utube videos even though she blocked him all social media, as a glitch still allows blocked users to downvote. Damien clearly needs a hobby.

Detroit’s Rachel Shelley gets into a huge fight with her lover and fellow narcissistic sociopath Damien Hurlbutt. She is tired of hearing him complain about his ex-wife.

Rachel chucks a bunch of Damien’s hoard into the dumpster while he is out at work.

She leaves him for her side piece, Kankakee heroin addict and loser Leon Peeonne. She has had enough.

Damien downvotes Rachel’s and Leon’s videos on Utube while he is sitting behind the counter at work, thinking nobody is looking. In walks his supervisor, Konrad Teirant, theater owner, who suspends Damien for a week.

Damien comes home in the middle of the night after working the late night shift at the theater to discover all the things he loved more than Rachel, Star Wars toys, Muppet coloring books, $35 ornaments, $75 toys, $600 figures — gone. He jiggles every single door repeatedly to check for home invaders, nothing. He calls out for Rachel. No reply. Damien walks past the remaining boxes in his neckbeard nest, mostly empty — save for a few towels, ratty graphic tees and unused pots and pans — and discovers that Rachel has left with all her belongings. Then it hits him.

Damien heads out to the dumpster outside his apartment and dives in, digging for his lost treasures. He throws a few boxes overboard. Damien continues to dig. Meanwhile a sound is heard in the background:

“Beep…beep…beep…beep…”

Inferior Model Replicants

Behold, the Tyrell Corporation’s inferior model Nexus replicants:

Nexus-1 was their Turd Burglar model. All he could do was steal turds out of unsuspecting people’s toilets.

Nexus-2 had the strength and agility of the Nexus-1, and more skills. However, he lacked focus and was very lazy, spending most of his time trying to pick up women and failing.

Nexus-3, lacked the empathy of previous model replicants. He was built to stay on task and had good focus. However, he gained too much weight from eating burgers and fries at the Los Angeles In-and-Out Burger joints and had to be be retired.