They know what they want, and they want it right now!
Call D. U. Hurlbutt at 500-FART-NOW
They know what they want, and they want it right now!
Call D. U. Hurlbutt at 500-FART-NOW
Peppi and Bernadette Cacca might seem like empty characters at first, however there is a much darker side to them. Like all my characters, they are based off a combination of real people.
I have known the person on whom Bernadette is based my entire life. She lived next to my grandmother. As kids, she was the entitled brat who wanted things her way or the highway. I used to try and dodge her because she annoyed me so much, but then she would not leave me alone.
I clearly remember her insisting on calling me my deadname, despite my pleas for her to stop. Bernadette hasn’t any concept of boundaries and neither does that person.
In high school, she had found a way to manipulate people into thinking she was a wonderful person. I had to ask her a urgent question for a design I was creating for a play in which she starred, right before I had to catch the bus to trade school. Instead of turning around and answering me, she kept talking faster and louder to the other student, drowning me out.
To add insult to injury, this real-life communal narcissist tricked the teacher into making ME apologize to HER. I will never forgive her for that abuse. The real-life Bernadette is now working on an HBO show of some sort and playing piano for charity. I read she yelled at a late-night television host for getting too close to her piano. This behavior does not surprise me.
I created my character to help cope with a lifetime of abuse from a narcissist who tricks virtually everyone into seeing her mask. Bernadette is a parody of the real deal. Have you known a person like this?
Peppi Cacca’s name initially came from a rabid doorman in Italy who sexually assaulted me. I based my character Peppi off a toxic neighbor who stunk up my apartment with skunky weed and abused his cat. I got the idea from Pepe LePew and used to call him Pepe LePuke as i heard him through the ceiling vomiting every morning.
I recently saw him on the bus bragging to the driver about his drinking, making the excuse “can you blame me?”
I blame Peppi for his own behavior.
Based in Manteno, Illinois — Peppi and Bernadette Cacca own and operate Peppi’s Port-o-Potties.
“King and Queen of the Throne”
Peppi’s hobbies are drinking, puking and smoking cheap weed, the skunkier the better.
Bernadette’s hobbies are singing loudly, playing accordion and hanging out in the swamp so she can lure unsuspecting men. Bernadette has recorded herself badly singing opera and showtunes to play for on-hold customers in the hope they will hang up.
Meet Lori Brown, estranged former wife of Bourbonnais neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt. A covert narcissist, Damien refers to Lori solely as “Grimace” while actively trying to get back with her so he can emotionally abuse her again. Lori works as a medical billing clerk in Chicago, loves root beer and burning poopies.
Read about Lori here:
Methinks I pulled a Trifecta of morons. The person on whom I mostly based off PJ Hurlbutt, Sybil Kibble’s next-door neighbor, moved into the building next to mine.
The person on whom I based a lot of Dale Davis’s personality replied to my dating ad and has been trying to talk to me on the bus. He complimented on my shirt two days ago. The fictional Dale has a crush on his boss, Sybil.
And today, I saw the person on whom I based the look and much of the personality of the world’s biggest moron, Sybil Kibble herself, in one of my favorite cafes. Like one of the many people on whom I based Pat Splatt, whom I had also spotted near the cafe, Sybil Kibble’s inspiration also hails from the Prairie State, Illinois. I am thinking they are out here working on a project at a sister site to the workplace at one time we all shared.
Sybil was buying a Father’s Day card in Barnes and Noble, just like I was doing.
Help me! I am turning into Sybil Kibble!
Wife of Brandon Dixon (owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines) and mother to his kids; Pris is highly nosey, butts into strangers’ business, but does not believe in answering to knocks on the public washroom door. Pris works as a Medical Office Assistant for a Kankakee Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor and has a reputation for purposely confusing patients just to confuse and gaslight them. Pris proudly drives a green imbecile machine she bought from Brandon, branded with “You just got passed by a girl” decals.
Pris was raised by wealthy parents who gave her everything she wanted. Pris feels that, because she is a parent, she should cut in line at the cafes and burger joints. She dislikes the childfree by choice and gets her kicks by invalidating their feelings. Pris feels that only parents can make a valid point, and that life does not begin until you become a mother or father.
Pris was arrested once in Chicago for randomly assaulting a disabled woman on a bus whom she did not know. Pris has been known to wind people up out of boredom and is not afraid of anything or anyone.
Sybil Kibble got excited to see these dog bowls full of food samples. However her heart sunk when she learned they were full of human food.
“Get back in the kitchen, this pot is about to boil over!” Madeline Topolla-Teirant calls out to her husband, Konrad who is reading the CRASS company ledger in the bathoom.
Kon washes his hands, flicks the water on the floor (a trick he learned from Teirant Cinema-13 clerk Damien Hurlbutt) and struts into the kitchen. He sets the ledger atop a shelf in the cupboard.
“Madeline, I can do this myself. No need to tell me how do cook. Go on and watch the kiddos.” Konrad beckons Madeline to leave the room.
Konrad stirs the pot of his turkey soup. He made sure to put in loads of veggies because they cost less than turkey. Konrad hears a loud banshee-esque squeal come from the living room and dashes out.
“Bratley? What are you doing?” Konrad walks over to him.
“Waaaaaaaaaah! I want my toys!”
Konrad yells at Bratley because he has little patience for children. He usually leaves the parenting to his wife Madeline because he would rather make money. Meanwhile chaos unfolds in the kitchen.
Chanel # 5 and * climb up the kitchen counters, tear up the CRASS ledger into confetti and put it into the soup like it is special spices. They hear their daddy coming so the close the book back up and place it back on the cupboard shelf so they do not get in trouble.
“I told you kids not to play on the kitchen counters! Now go do your homework or you are going to bed without any dinner!”
Kon begins stirring the pot.
The next morning, all of CRASS is sent a company email to announce the new CRASS initiave:
From: Teirant, Konrad (email@example.com)
To: CRASS, LLC (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: Food for everyone!
Dear CRASS employees:
It is with great pleasure I announce the newest CRASS publicity initiave: Triple down on each call to raise money for the new CRASS Stage! If we raise enough money to name the Kankakee Senior Center stage after us, we can help promote CRASS, LLC as a community leader.
To help celebrate our new publicity effort, I brought in turkey soup, enough for everybody this time! Enjoy! Be sure to only log off using your designated 15 minute and 30 minute breaks to enjoy my cooking.
Most importantly, remember to ask each debtor for three times what they can afford to pay! Submit a Form 5 for each triple down. Each bonus will go toward the stage naming instead of your paycheck these next two weeks.
“Want some soup?” Dale asks Sybil. “I’ll spoon feed it to you,” a hopeful Dale says with a grin.
“Go away, Dale. I have work to do,” Sybil snarks as she downs a dog biscuit.
Dale slurps his soup at his desk before he logs onto the autodialer.
Mikey Philps helps himself to two bowls while he watches the collectors stress out over asking for three times what the debtors can afford.
“Why aren’t these folks making production?” a stern Tara Bull asks Sybil Kibble as Tara sips some greasy turkey soup.
“I will keep on pushing for those Triple Downs and Form 5s.” Sybil tells a beleagueured Tara.
Kon sits in his office surfing Fakebook Flat-Earth pages as well as the Dark Web. He feels his belly begin to rumble. “Must be a quake of this flat planet,” Kon says to himself.
A line forms outside the CRASS washrooms. Tara Bull joins the queue. “Why are people taking so long?” Tara mumbles under her breath.
A stench wafts from the mens’ room. Konrad emerges.
“Did I do that?” Kon slyly asks. The lined-up employees giggle.
Mikey Philips is called over to fix the toilet Kon clogged.
Since Kon’s idea failed miserably, he took the rest of his greasy, tained turkey soup to Teirant Cinema-13 to “treat” his emplyees there.
“Ooooh, thank ya boss! Well actually, I just constipated myself by eating six antacids in a row so I do not have to use the toitie all night!” an excited Damien Hurlbutt tells Kon.
“Thanks for the information. Enjoy and get to work.”
Damien drinks the soup right down.
“Puttt” goes Damien’s butt.
“Pardon me. Pheeeeeww!”
Damien’s stomach begins to grumble, really grumble.
Konrad looks for Damien and he is not at the ticket counter.
“Where are you Damien? People are lining up and they need to buy their tickets. Imma gon fire you if you do not come back!”
A stench wafts from the men’s room.
Join Kankakee’s newest Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets, across the USA! Kankakee theatre owner and comedian Konrad Teirant joins his mad clown wife, Madeline, in Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt’s clownmobile as they tour the country! See them before they leave their stop in Utica, New York!
MHA’s tour dates:
Champaign, IL: February 30
Kankakee, IL: February 31
Gary, IN: April 31
Toledo, OH: June 31
Utica, NY: September 31