For neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt, invalidation of others’ feelings is one heck of a drug, as is mansplaining.
Tag: characters
Damien is Willing to Be Desperate
Bourbonnais neckbeard and movie theater clerk Damien Hurlbutt prints up a bunch of business cards and leaves them around Kankakee County businesses, hoping to spring a date:
DAMIEN ULYSSES HURLBUTT
SINGLE NICE GUY
SEEKS M’LADY FOR
FREE MOVIE TICKETS
815-555-FART
Scammers call. Damien answers, thinking they are legit:
“Hi M’Lady M’dame” Damien answers.
“Is this Damien….Ummm….Hurlbutt?”
“You got ‘em.”
Hi. I am calling to report your Social Security Number has been disabled.”
“Oh hi. I see you got my card. I am a really nice guy.”
“I beg your pardon?
“No don’t hang up. I can will myself out of heart attacks, I am so cool.”
A click and a dial tone are heard.
Prankers call:
“Hello. Is this Damien?”
“Speaking.”
“You just won a lifetime subsciption to Feetsniffers’ Monthly!”
“I did! Oh, wow!”
“You moron, it’s a prank…”
The caller hangs up and a disappointed Damien’s smile turns upside down.
Pyramid scheme peddlers call.
“Hey, Babe.”
“Oh heyyyy honey puddin’” Damien replies to the lady caller.
“Umm, hi.”
“Heyyyy. What is a little and dainty lady want with an oaf like me?” Damien drools all over his flip phone.
“I have a great weight loss product that can take you from chump to champ in no time.”
“Come now!”
“Go now!” The lady hangs up on Damien.
Then Doris Krabalsky, the notorious street pyramid schemer calls. Damien hangs up. Doris calls again but Damien blocks her call because he does not want anything she might be selling.
Doris hides her number from caller ID and tries to call Mr. Hurlbutt again.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Damien?”
“Who is this?” Damien asks.
“I really think you are cute. Let’s go out sometime.”
“Wait, who is this?” a nervous Damien queries.
“Doris.”
Damien faints, falling to the floor, not waking up until hours later.
He did not “will his way out” of it, did he? In fact, he does not “will” his way out of much of anything.
CRASS Facebook Page
Kankakee, Illinois:
Credit Recovery Associates (“CRASS”), LLC Spokesman Mack E. Avelli proudly announces their new Facebook page. Follow it to keep up on all things CRASS.
She Walked Into a Bar…
Katie walked into a Kankakee bar to get a drink, not knowing all the single men would take notice.
Welcome to the Kibble McMansion!
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble was so happy to finally have a visitor at her McMansion, where she rents her basement to her mother JK, only to discover it was just the letter carrier.
Wally Green’s Fashion Idea
Wally Green, wacky Kankakee inventor and owner of Wally Green’s Drugstores, is frosted because he did not think of this idea first. Survey not included.
https://odditymall.com/cvs-receipt-scarf
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year from all the morons!
Merry Christmas!
Damien’s Missed Connections Ad
Damien really wants to reconnect with a lady he saw in a Kroger grocery store. Do you think she will respond? He fudged his age a bit, typical neckbeard. What do you think?
Source:
https://www.facebook.com/LamebookFans/photos/a.139811039430569/2679480222130292/?type=3&theater
Damien Cannot Wait to See his Mother’s Face.
Bourbonnais neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt is buying his mother PJ one of those PeeATon bikes he saw on TV for Christmas. He wants her to lose weight. Isn’t he a real tenderheart?
