CRASS debt collector Dale Davis finally got his economic stimulus check, so he made a big donation to the Illinois State Lottery.
“Oh snap, that’s the last bite!” Kankakee debt collector Sybil Kibble exclaims as she shakes the now-empty bag of dog food, and turns it upside down. “I am really hungry too.”
Sybil hops in her white Chrysler LeBaron and drives down to Wally Green’s drugstore. As soon as she steps through the door, demoted pharmacy clerk who thinks he is Elvis, Robbie Hurlbutt greets her.
“What can I help you find today?”
“Do you have any Dog Chow?”
“We are fresh out.”
Sybil exits, walks by Robbie’s purple clown car with a giggle and gets behind the wheel of her LeBaron.
Sybil parks in the “Expectant Mothers Only” space at Schmucks grocery store and walks in. “Who is going to know I am in menopause anyway?” Sybil says to herself as she walks through the automatic door.
After a thorough combing of the pet food aisle, Sybil comes up empty. She hopes the third time is a charm, and drives over to Bucketheads hardware store.
After walking past the 11% off everything sign, Sybil hopes to save big money on dog food, which she usually scores toward the back of the store. However she strikes out yet again.
Sybil gets on her smart phone after exiting the store and calls Wally Green’s 1-800 customer service number. After spending 45 minutes in the on-hold abyss, the call disconnects. She tries two more times and her call gets disconnected immediately.
Sybil walks back into Wally Green’s to try and figure out what is going on. She asks to speak to the Manager on Duty. “I am sorry you are having trouble reaching our customer care line. Our representatives are trained to keep hanging up on all callers until the queue is gone.”
Angered, Sybil Kibble needs to do something to relax. She picks up a newspaper and reads the headline: “Nationwide Dog Food Shortage.” Sybil slams down the paper and storms out, heading to the local bar. “I need a drink,” Sybil mumbles to herself.
Sybil sits down at the bar. Before the bartender can even wait on her, barfly and notorious ladies’ man Wally Green emerges.
“Oh, hi Wally.”
“Can I buy you a drink, hon?”
Sybil accepts because she is cheap.
Wally begins to bore Sybil with his tall tales about his family almost having inherited most of Manhattan Island.
Sybil interrupts Wally’s rambling:
“Hey, why are your stores out of dog food anyway? I am so hungry.”
“Oh yeah, I have a secret stash at my house. Wanna go back to my place?”
Sybil looks Wally in the eye sporting a devilish grin.
The pair arrive at Wally’s McMansion. Wally offers wine, she declines.
Wally starts to bore Sybil about his road trip to Florida as he really likes the heat.
Sybil interrupts and asks about dinner.
Wally offers to cook her a romantic meal. Sybil agrees with excitement.
“It will be a surprise. I know you will love it!”
Visions of dog bones dance in Sybil’s head. Wally emerges from the kitchen with a plate full of gefilte fish, and Sybil almost pukes.
“You’re not impressed?” Wally asks.
“Umm, no I eat dog food.”
“You’re a bill collector. Makes sense. If you stop calling my store, I will give you some cans of Alpo.”
“That’s my favorite kind!” Sybil exclaims. “But I won’t take you off my list. You owe us too much money.”
“Then will you kiss me?”
Sybil gags and dashes out Wally’s McMansion, back to her own, where she settles for cat food instead.
Kankakee bill collector and dog food enthusiast Sybil Kibble wants to double down on debt but her debtor isn’t buying it.
Join the Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) and MoronicArts fanpage on Facebook!
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kantrina Kibble went out to the grocery store looking for some doggy chow to eat on her lunch break:
Sybil is busy calling up people and bothering them right now, so this is Jen here filling in.
Some people have been asking about the inspiration behind such a silly person.
Back in 2014, when I lived in Illinois, I had been receiving relentless calls on my mobile phone from a collections agency in Kankakee County. It was ridiculous. No matter what I did to block these fools, they would find another number to call me. I was in an abusive marriage, disabled from a brain disease with no cure.
I had to quit my toxic job due to my illness. My former supervisor was harassing me, threatening to fire me if I do not come back to work even though I had already applied for disability retirement which was extremely pending and dragged out as was Social Security Disability. I had no income, no support system and was in extreme neurological pain.
I created Sybil in response to the constant harassment from the moronic debt collectors who could not care less about my situation, and started writing to help cope with my extreme physical and emotional pain.
I named her — ironically — after the tragic Oscar Wilde character Sibyl Vane from The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Sybil’s middle name Katrina comes from a villain I had created as a ten-year-old when I used to draw comic books on notebook paper. I wish I still had those. Her surname Kibble, of course comes from her love of dog food.
Her look was mostly based off an extremely miserable co-worker at the toxic workplace from which I had retired.
I used to pass through Kankakee and stop there off Route 57 on the way to Chicago for medical treatments.
I originally intended to make Sybil an evil, narcissistic character but I did not think that was funny. Now Damien and Robbie Hurlbutt — another story for another article. Stay tuned.
We want to TP everyone in Kankakee! On April 1st, come over to the headquarters of CRASS and get the scoop on poop! One brand spankin’ new roll for each customer! If you use both sides, it lasts twice as long!
Act now, before you get the runs, I mean we run out!
CRASS Chief Executive Officer
Mack E. Avelli
PS: April Fools!
PPS: Buy Sybil and Jen a ko-fi!
Credit Recovery Associates (“CRASS”), LLC Spokesman Mack E. Avelli proudly announces their new Facebook page. Follow it to keep up on all things CRASS.
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble was so happy to finally have a visitor at her McMansion, where she rents her basement to her mother JK, only to discover it was just the letter carrier.
Kankakee debt collector Sybil Kibble takes a walk around her neighborhood, only to get a call from a bill collector looking for her. Mad because the tables are turned, Sybil pays little attention to the traffic ahead.
Kankakee Bill Collector Sybil Kibble cannot wait to take her break doubling down on debtors so she can have a snack. Yum!