Tag: flash fiction

MoronicArts Classics: Sybil’s Spit Machine, Bees & Lawnmower-Race Woes

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Kankakee bill-collector and dog-chow diner Sybil Katrina Kibble had left her lawn sprinkler spit-spit-spitting, too lazy to care about water conservation, while she drove her Chrysler LeBaron all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit-down lawnmower right before the race. Sybil insisted on winning the Annual Lawnmower Race.

Sadly, silly-billy Sybil lost the lawnmower race because she was too loopy from inhaling helium.

Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back home to Kankakee. However, she could not fly because she was too scared. This idea never got off the ground.

Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine went awry, flooding her entire lawn and that of neighbor Kitty Bee’s too!

Adding insult to injury, Sybil then she got chased by a swarm of angry kitties and bees! Poor Sybil.

She then left compete in Fire Truck racing with her Ma JoAnn! Ooh, what fun!!!

CRASS Toilet Paper Giveaway

~ Jen ~ 4 Comments

We want to TP everyone in Kankakee County! On April 1st, come over to the headquarters of Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) and get the scoop on poop! One brand spankin’ new roll for each customer! If you use both sides, it lasts twice as long! Run on down now to CRASS before Bern Cacca steals it all!

And while we’re at it, be sure to pick up some half-ply toiler paper recipes, courtesy of Wally Green!

CRASS Chief Executive Officer

Mack E. Avelli

 
PS: April Fools!

 

 

MoronicArts Classics: Rachel Shelley is a Sketchy Character

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Two-timing Rachel Shelley came over from Detroit to meet her OKStupid lover, Damien Hurlbutt, only to cheat on him with Kankakee heroin addict and useless hoser Leon Peeonne.

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Cinema clerk, neckbeard, and communal narcissist Damien continues to leave “M’lady” messages from his flip phone.  He thinks he is going to win because he is such a “tenderheart” and “an old soul.”

Hurlbutt Holiday Cheer

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Dysfunctional family portrait starring the Hurlbutts: Robbie, PJ and Damien. Merry Christmas from Kankakee County!

Waste Removal

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Shady Bourbonnais neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt went dumpster diving the morning after he and his part-time lover from Detroit, Rachel Shelley, got into a bitter fight and she threw some of his hoarded items into the dumpster.

“Dumpster! Dumpster! Dumpster!” Rachel cried as she chucked Damien’s hoard into the metal hopper outside his apartment.

As Damien dug for the treasures he loved more than his woman, little did he notice the danger lurking behind him.

Kitty B Just Has to Pee

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Barfly, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green cannot wait to hit on the pretty lady Kitty Bortolotti walking by…

A creepy, heavyset, older gentleman stares at a shapely young woman walking by him in a coffeehouse.

She has the skills that pay the bills, alright

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Kankakee Bill Collector Sybil Kibble cannot wait to take her break doubling down on debtors so she can have a snack. Yum!

Damien’s High Fashion

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Damien Hurlbutt took this photo of his feet to put on his OKStupid dating ad, because he thinks it will really impress the single ladies out there. Damien thinks he his feet are really impressive. Damien feels he is a foot expert, as he really likes feet and looks at a lot of them. He records barefoot women on the home shopping channels just to watch their feet over and over again.