Shady Bourbonnais neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt went dumpster diving the morning after he and his part-time lover from Detroit, Rachel Shelley, got into a bitter fight and she threw some of his hoarded items into the dumpster. As Damien dug for the treasures he loved more than his woman, little did he notice the danger lurking behind him.
Barfly, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green cannot wait to hit on the pretty lady Kitty Bortolotti walking by…
Two-timing Rachel Shelley came over from Detroit to meet her OKStupid lover, Damien Hurlbutt, only to cheat on him with Kankakee heroin addict and useless hoser Leon Peeonne.
Neckbeard Damien continues to leave her messages from his flip phone. He thinks he is going to win because he is such a “nice guy”.
We want to TP everyone in Kankakee! On April 1st, come over to the headquarters of CRASS and get the scoop on poop! One brand spankin’ new roll for each customer! If you use both sides, it lasts twice as long!
Act now, before you get the runs, I mean we run out!
CRASS Chief Executive Officer
Mack E. Avelli
PS: April Fools!
PPS: Buy Sybil and Jen a ko-fi!
For neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt, invalidation of others’ feelings is one heck of a drug, as is mansplaining.
Dysfunctional family portrait starring the Hurlbutts: Robbie, PJ and Damien. Merry Christmas from Kankakee County!
Kankakee pharmacy owner and barfly Wally Green is playing solitaire after the nice lady in the dress and heels rejected his moves. Apparently his tall tales about his wrongly having lost the deed to Manhattan Island after pirates stole it from his ancestors was too much for her (and his air-horn noseblowing).
Do you think Wally will ever get a date?
Kankakee Bill Collector Sybil Kibble cannot wait to take her break doubling down on debtors so she can have a snack. Yum!
Damien Hurlbutt took this photo of his feet to put on his OKStupid dating ad, because he thinks it will really impress the single ladies out there. Damien thinks he his feet are really impressive. Damien feels he is a foot expert, as he really likes feet and looks at a lot of them. He records barefoot women on the home shopping channels just to watch their feet over and over again.
Tacky, Tacky is she.
Sybil Katrina Kibble had to go all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit down model lawnmower because the hardware shop was backorderded. She left her lawn sprinkler on, too lazy to care about water conservation.
She gets to the race, mad as heck because it is a push mower race!
Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back to Chillocothe. But she cannot fly because she is too scared. This idea never got off the ground.
Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine goes awry, flooding her entire lawn and Kitty’s too!
Sybil loses the lawnmower race because whe was too loopy from inhaling helium.
And then she got chased by a swarm of angry bees! Woe is Sybil.
Off to compete in Fire Truck racing! Ooh, what fun!!! See you later!