We want to TP everyone in Kankakee! On April 1st, come over to the headquarters of CRASS and get the scoop on poop! One brand spankin’ new roll for each customer! If you use both sides, it lasts twice as long!
Act now, before you get the runs, I mean we run out!
CRASS Chief Executive Officer
Mack E. Avelli
PS: April Fools!
Kankakee idiot and disco king Robbie Hurlbutt dances his way onto a fire hydrant.
He thinks his moves are hot stuff.
For neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt, invalidation of others’ feelings is one heck of a drug, as is mansplaining.
Dysfunctional family portrait starring the Hurlbutts: Robbie, PJ and Damien. Merry Christmas from Kankakee County!
Kankakee pharmacy owner and barfly Wally Green is playing solitaire after the nice lady in the dress and heels rejected his moves. Apparently his tall tales about his wrongly having lost the deed to Manhattan Island after pirates stole it from his ancestors was too much for her (and his air-horn noseblowing).
Do you think Wally will ever get a date?
Local yokel and poor Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on Gothic Diana, lead singer from Kankakee County band The Midnight Supremes.
Robbie stalks Diana on Fakebook and Utube, telling her she is the best diva on earth and she can be the boss of him anytime.
Do you think Diana is impressed?
Kankakee Bill Collector Sybil Kibble cannot wait to take her break doubling down on debtors so she can have a snack. Yum!
Damien Hurlbutt took this photo of his feet to put on his OKStupid dating ad, because he thinks it will really impress the single ladies out there. Damien thinks he his feet are really impressive. Damien feels he is a foot expert, as he really likes feet and looks at a lot of them. He records barefoot women on the home shopping channels just to watch their feet over and over again.
Like many people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Robbie Hurlbutt tries to ruin his former girlfriends’ holidays by sucking them back into his life. Do you think it will work?
Tacky, Tacky is she.
Sybil Katrina Kibble had to go all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit down model lawnmower because the hardware shop was backorderded. She left her lawn sprinkler on, too lazy to care about water conservation.
She gets to the race, mad as heck because it is a push mower race!
Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back to Chillocothe. But she cannot fly because she is too scared. This idea never got off the ground.
Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine goes awry, flooding her entire lawn and Kitty’s too!
Sybil loses the lawnmower race because whe was too loopy from inhaling helium.
And then she got chased by a swarm of angry bees! Woe is Sybil.
Off to compete in Fire Truck racing! Ooh, what fun!!! See you later!