Tag: gothic flo

Bernadette’s Wild Animal Idea.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Do you ever see wild animals?
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The petless portapotty princess, part-time bog witch and communal narcadoodle known as Bernadette Moran Cacca struts into the local veterinary clinic looking for new fans, kicks and giggles, since attendance at the Manteno Optimal Club has been dwindling.

“May I help you?” the receptionist Flo says with a smile.

“This may be the most important question I’ll ever ask.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What’s going on with your pet?”

“I have to show you something.” Bernadette hands Mary a flyer.

“Why are you supporting a Bradley business. Are you coming to Bradley?”

“No. If you read the sign, we’re in Manteno, we’re a vet clinic. We treat sick animals and give them routine care.”

“Why are you helping a dog group then?”

“We help a different rescue every month.”

“I need more information.”

“Read the sign, make an appointment, call the groomer. We just put the sign up to help the business out plus the dog charity.”

“Why is it in Bradley? It’s so far away. You’re a Manteno group.”

“We serve all of Kankakee County.”

“You should help all animals, not just dogs. Humans too. Even extraterrestrials. You shouldn’t exclude humans from animal spaces! Make like a tree and go get me the manager!”

“She’s busy.”

“You’re so stupid. I just had a dementia test and I aced it! I had a CAT scan and it was perfect! You’re a low IQ. You take the test, see how you do, then you go get some tigers, elephants, giraffes…See, I know my animals!”

“What a jackass…” customer Jen says softly as she cuddles her cat, chortles at Bernadette’s word salad.

“I’m not a donkey I’m a human! What are you looking at? Hello!”

Bernadette doesn’t get her way, so she just drags her feet across the floor then stares at the wall.

Manager Trish Cobb, better known as Gothic Diana Ross, walks out to help de-escalate the unnecessary monkeying around which seemingly emerged from nowhere at all — just Bernadette’s bum.

“I got a perfect mark-up which you would be incapable of doo-doo-doing. You need to get your marks up! You need to get your marks up!”

“Goodbye Barney!

“It’s Bernie!”

“Who?”

“You know me.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m your neighbor, Manteno’s very best do-gooder of charity. I raised $1000 for—“

“I’ll take first name and last name for $1000, Alex.”


“Bernadette Cacca!”

“A little louder please. For the camera.” Gothic Diana cups her ear.

“I’M BERNADETTE MORAN CACCA!” Bern’s stinky breath blows into Diana’s face, right before Bernadette’s own face turns beet red from getting caught, not from realizing she had just caused a scene for no good reason whatsoever, butt of course.

“Goodbye! You, and you and you guys too!” Bernadette sternly screams as storms out the door, to go start trouble somewhere else. Like a dog licking its nads, she does it because she can.

Manteno Mayoral Meeting Madness!

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

The Manteno Optimal Club joins the village in congratulating its new mayor.

Wally Green, drugstore owner, wacky inventor and newly elected president of Bernadette M. Cacca’s fan-club sits and waits his turn to talk about opprtunities to sell more CrapStraps, StrangleTangles and Sleevies in Manteno.

Other Poopy Groupies Peppi Cacca and Dorian James wait in the hall, as the room is overflowing. Kankakee debt-collector Sybil Kibble tries to talk the village into letting Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) build a second location there. After all, what’s better than one collection agency to hound you about unpaid medical bills, than two?

A very desperate-for-dookie-downloads Bernadette Cacca burps, then bursts into the room, belting her newly formed tune:

“Buy Craptocoins, they are good for you, made from 100 per cent, recycled port-a-poo!”

“Mrs. Cacca, you need to add yourself to the agenda first before taking the podium.”

“No, I don’t need any immodium, I’m regular now!”

The new mayor waves Bern away like the waft of stench she brought in.

“Where have I heard that song before?” Wally Green thinks aloud, then blows his nose into one of his monogrammed hankies.

“Who brought the bullhorn?”

Gothic Flo of The Midnight Supremes just shakes her head and enjoys the popcorn.

Somebirdy Needs Better Hobbies.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

“Why are you wearing THAT? What is that thing in your nose? That looks awful!” a creepy – yet familiar – voice echoes throughout the the eaves of Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes’ Manteno home, annoying the poor ladies who are just sitting down on their patent leather chairs minding their own business. Their stalker is back.

Wanting to find the source of their pest, the trio of slender black beauties climb atop the roof of their slate Gothic Victorian mansion, and briefly take in the view of their town. Illinois is full of small towns. This is one of them.

“Why is that stupid vulture asking us dumb questions and pooping all over her claws?” Gothic Diana Ross asks her bandmates about the bird trespassing on their grass.

“It flew into our wall today. Twice.” Gothic Mary deadpans.

A large nest is spotted, hidden inside one of the spires.

The shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture hurls more insults at the talented sisters.

“Your hair is full of rats’ nests! You need a wax! When’s the last time you had a shower?”

“That looks like Bernadette’s mom!” Gothic Flo tells the Ross siblings.

Gothic Diana has had enough. She looks Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran dead in the eye, only for the stupid bird to go into defensive mode. Carla pukes up all over the Ross sisters’ lawn. Feeling egged on, Mrs. Moran tries to make herself look bigger by extending and flapping her wings as if they were fists ready for a fight. She looks like a confused chicken.

“Here’s your rat’s nest!” Gothic Flo says as she chucks Carla’s second home clear across Kant Street into next Tuesday. The ladies don’t like squatters.

Carla flies up onto the roof, and starts making demands. She clearly has no concept of boundaries.

“NOW I CAME HERE TO TEACH YOU GUYS A LESSON! SEE WHAT YOU DID? NOW I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!”

“I’ll show you respect!” Gothic Diana Ross knocks the angry bird straight into the ground with a single punch, Carla’s long, pointy beak stuck straight into the grass. The inverted bird’s long, dark tail sticks straight up with her cloaca for all the neighbors to see.

The ladies share a deep belly laugh, and beckon their next-door-neighbor, the equally moronic Bernadette Moran Cacca to pick up her mother.