Damien’s Mail-Order Bride

Damien Hurlbutt decides that it is getting too hard to pick up women in Kankakee County. Despite his most sincere offers of free movie tickets to the multiplex at which he works, all but one offer has been rejected; the lone acceptor has gone with her boyfriend instead of Damien. Damien takes his efforts to the World Wide Web.

“I know what women want” says this self-proclaimed nice guy on his dating profile, under his handle “NiceGuyGoodCatch4UChivalryisDead”.

Quoth his profile, “Women need men like me to hold doors open for them, pull out their chairs, and buy all kinds of gifts for them. I am that man. Men like me are endangered species. Where R U?”

Damien strokes his straggly, scratchy neckbeard, tips his fedora, and says “you know, I have an idea”. Meanwhile his coworkers are all staring at him wondering to whom he is talking.

Damien goes home and opens up his newest copy of Hoard Magazine. It took him almost an hour to unbury it from his pile of action figures, coloring books and dirty briefs. Damien turns to the back section, and reads over an advertisement he was thinking about while on the job:

“TIRED OF LOOKING? OUR WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR MEN LIKE YOU!

MAIL COMPLETED APPLICATION PLUS $50 FEE TO:

Fedora-Neckbeard M’Ladies By Mail

Box 69

666 Lord Byron Way

Hades, NY 11666

Attn: D. Gray

Damien jumped at the offer and mailed in his application with his payment.

Two weeks later, Damien gets a long, handwritten letter from a 20 year old lady from Vietnam named Ha. “You sound like such a gentleman. I cannot wait to meet you.” She includes a photo. Damien is smitten. Ha is the first lady to show interest in Damien!

The two write back and forth. Ha tells Damien she would spend 27 hours traveling just to meet him. He wants to call her but she has not given him her number. He asks her for it, not afraid to spend money to call someone he can shower with gifts, and hopefully meet and control someday. After all, Damien only cares about himself, and Damien thinks he is the only one deserving of love. He only cares about he, himself and Damien.

A month goes by and no word from Ha.

Damien checks the mail, hoping for a postcard. He has sent her one every day except for Sunday. He gets a letter. Damien growls.

The letter is addressed to Mr. Damien Hurlbutt.

“Dear Mr. Hurlbutt:

This letter is an attempt to collect a debt. Your payment to Fedora-Neckbeard M’Ladies By Mail has been rejected due to insufficient funds. Please pay the below amount immediately. Please keep in mind that movie tickets are not acceptable forms of payment.

Signed,

Ms. Sybil Kibble

Lead Collections Representative”

More Morons! Meet the Hurlbutts.

Meet the neighbours: Sybil’s favourite, and the other cul-de-sac denizens’ least favourite neighbours, The Hurlbutts.

On the left you see Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt of Bourbannais, IL

He is the 42 year old troglodyte son of Pearl Hurlbutt, Sybil Kibble’s elderly neighbour and best friend.

Damien is divorced because he verbally abused his wife, who he only refers to as “Grimace”. A shopping addict and hoarder, he would rather sleep on the floor and on top of his boxes than buy furniture, though he occasionally sleeps on his bed if he bothers to come in to work. He mops up the lake he creates every time he showers with his moldy socks. Prone to outbursts and wearing socks with his $125.00 sandals, Damien thinks he is a hit with the ladies…If he only knew.

Damien works at the local multiplex’s ticket counter. He offers free movie tickets to local and online young ladies in his feeble attempts to woo them. He snores incredibly loud due to his innattention to his diagnosed sleep apnea. He blocks his sleep doctor’s telephone calls on his flip phone so he can avoid dealing with it.

He loves to sleep and wishes he could sleep more.

In the middle, you see Pearl Jo “PJ” Hurlbutt. She wears the same moo-moo inside and outside the house, every day of the week. She even wore it into her call center job, before she retired.

PJ is known as the neighbourhood grump. Everybody in town knows how demanding she is and tries to dodge her. She only comes around when she wants something.

Sybil thinks PJ is “just swell” and considers PJ her best friend.

On the right you see Robbie Hurlbutt of Kankakee, IL

He is the 39 year old son of Pearl Hurlbutt and brother to Damien.

Robbie is a ladies’ man, Elvis-obsessed and is as bad a hoarder as his brother Damien. He has a room in his apartment just for his record collection. He is 39 and never married; he would rather “make love to the audience” at the Kankakee County karaoke bars.

He is thoroughly convinced he is the reincarnation of Elvis and has an intense fear of being locked in a bathroom.