Sybil Kibble sure does miss this place.
The aroma would open up the eyes of her heart and maybe make her want to fart.
Feel the power of the Kankakee dog food factory, a Kankakee stalwart.
Tag: humor
Hunka Cheese
Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt — who believes he is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley — is number one in his own bathroom. Don’t lock him in.
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A Very Mad Clown
Kankakee slumlord, sociopath and Vaudeville clown Madeline Topolla-Teirant struts into a busy Buckstars hoping to score some free java. “Welcome to Buckstars, what can I get started?” the friendly coffee clerk in the green apron asks a towering 5’10”, 300 pound Madeline. “I don’t have time to wait. You guys are horrible people, childish little girls and boys. Get my drink right and make it fast or I am going to go to the cafe down the street.”
“Okay, what would you like?” the barista replies with a smile.
“Get me a pink drink and make it fast. Not the orange drink like you screwed up last time.”
The barista cashes out Madeline; the bulbous clown and slum manager walks off to the side, away from the long line of thirsty customers.
Regular customer Kitty Bortolotti, the tall, curly haired, mixed-race beauty with the star earrings is next in line.
“Can I speak to the manager?” a confident Kitty asks with her hands on her hips.
“Sure.”
Kitty winks at the team leader. “I don’t need anything, I just want to help you. Don’t let your staff be afraid of certain customers who try and intimidate your staff, if you know what I mean. I have experience; she’s all talk.”
“Customers like you are the best,” the supervisor says to Kitty.
“Glad to help.”
The two exchange smiles and a nod, then Kitty orders a drink alongside her best friend.
Kitty waits patiently for her drinks, meanwhile an obviously agitated Madeline storms over to the counter and screams at the barista, who has better things to do than listen to a screaming Madeline.
Kitty’s drinks come back. “We made you an extra one because we love great customers like you.”
“Awww thanks! You guys are the best.” Kitty takes a bill from her lime-green wallet and places it in the tip jar.
Kitty lifts the cup carrier, walks off to the side and chats with her best friend forever, Lana “LTL” Tolstoy Levitsky.
A bunch of names are called out: “LaWanda! Marigold! Damien!” but not Madeline’s. The happy customers grab their cups of joy and walk out the door.
“Abby!”
Madeline turns to Abby and asks “What drink is that?”
A confused Abby looks over to Madeline.
“A pink one.”
“Oh I thought you had mine, we got the same thing.”
“Yeah sure.” Abby gives Madeline a dirty look and walks out the door.
“Madeline!”
“I hope they’re not clownin’ around with my drink!” Madeline thinks aloud.
“We made it just how you wanted it,” The barista says with a smile.
Madeline takes a sip and then reads the cup: “MADWOMAN”.
The entire cafe full of customers starts giggling and the room roars with laughter.
Madwoman storms out the cafe and walks behind the strip mall, where she is again greeted by the site of her best friends, the cafe dumpsters.
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Move Over Damien!
Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt is happy to finally have a new girlfriend to impress with his lovebombing of gifts, Miss Rachel Shelley of Detroit. Too bad for him, he cannot see the thought bubble next to him, as she dreams about her other lover, Kankakee druggie Leon Peeonne.
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Memories of Green
Ahh…memories. This photo Sybil had taken outside this lovely café on LaSalle Street, where she had kicked Damien Hurlbutt in the jimmies for stalking her and harassing his ex-wife Lori, has been viewed by more than 20K people. Hopefully he will wear his mask next time instead of acting like a male Karen, and stop hoovering.
Sybil and Lori thank you!
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Sybil and JoAnn Kibble Walked into a Craft Store
Kankakee bill collector and dog-food connoisseur Sybil Kibble and her mother JoAnn Kibble walked into a craft store looking for “Live, Laugh, Love” decor and fake plastic squirrels. Before they made their way through the check-out labyrinth, they had some fun in the alphabet section.
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Bad Drivers Gotta Go!
CRASS Collectors Double Down Coffees.
Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) partnered with drugstore chain Wally Green’s to offer coffees to all collectors who doubled down on debt. Never settling for less, CRASS collectors ask creditors for twice they can afford. As a reward, drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green gave all collectors who made their Double-Down quota one cup of coffee Buy One Get One Half Off (But Never Free).
Isn’t Wally generous? He thinks so.
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Home Shopping Channels and Chill
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Home Shopping Channel is about to show a whole hour of carpeting! I get to watch m’ladies walk on them BAREFOOT!” Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt exclaims, drools.
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Waste Removal
Shady Bourbonnais neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt went dumpster diving the morning after he and his part-time lover from Detroit, Rachel Shelley, got into a bitter fight and she threw some of his hoarded items into the dumpster.
“Dumpster! Dumpster! Dumpster!” Rachel cried as she chucked Damien’s hoard into the metal hopper outside his apartment.
As Damien dug for the treasures he loved more than his woman, little did he notice the danger lurking behind him.
MoronicArts 
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