Tag: humor

Take Your Parents to Work Day!

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Daily writing prompt
Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.
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Bring Your Parents To Work Day

Every year on September 31, Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) wants staff to bring their parents in to have fun at their team-building events like the Medicine Pronouncing Contest, Browser Loading Race and Bill-Collector Speed Dating.

Collections Team Leader Sybil Kibble brought her ma JoAnn to enjoy learning how to bother people on the phone to ask for money they likely do not even owe, and her mother took 3rd prize in the CRASS Idol singing competition. Sybil took last place because her mouth was full of dog bones while she tried to belt a tune.

Turd Machines, Glassholes and more! – Wally Green

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Daily writing prompt
If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?
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“Try my new Word Salad Adapter, compatible with all Turd Machine Deluxe models! Buy one, get one half off (but never free)” at your corner Wally Green’s!

Be sure to store your Wally Green’s debit card in your spring-loaded Wallyt!

Oh and ladies, I am single and ready to mingle! Tell me your sign and I will tell you about the time my distant ancestors once owned the deed to Manhattan only to be stolen by pirates!

– Walter Augustine Green

Demanda Broccoli Needs To Be Told “No” More Often.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Kankakee’s newest Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) debt collector, member of “The Haggs” band and humanoid veggie Demanda Broccoli runs around the office asking her co-workers to sniff her feet.

“Get back to your cubicle, now!” Team Leader Sybil Kibble commands.

Demanda goes back to her cube, but not on the phones. When Sybil isn’t looking, she walks over to the supervisor cube, and scrawls on her marker-board, “I love Damien Hurlbutt!“

“No! Get back to your workstation and on the phones! Now!”

“OK-OK-OK-OK-OK” she snarks. Then she runs over to the executive suite and rips a fart that would make Bernadette Cacca envious.

“Did someone light a stinkbomb?” CRASS Controller Konrad Teirant asks.

Sybil Kibble spies her loose subordinate, grabs her by the crown and hauls her back to her seat.

“This is your final warning. Do some work. That’s why we pay you to come in. You DO want money, right?”

“Oh, that’s how it works…”

Sybil just shakes her head and walks away as Ms. Broccoli dons her headset.

“Credit Recovery Associates, Demanda.”

“Hi, this is Bernadette Cacca. Can I pay my bill in craptocoins? I just mined them myself…

Retire Some Replicants

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
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Are you tired of online androids trying to sell you crap, give you fake insults that feel real, or post alternative facts…I mean lies? Yeah, me too. With the help of the Moroniverse, we teach you how to stop automated nitwits from taking dumps in your comments sections and then attracting swarms of flies across 51% of the internet. We sure do hope this <5 minute video goes viral because we are tired of living in a dystopian techtatorship, maybe you also.

“Flying straight into solid objects” – Bernadette Cacca

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?
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“Come here, I need to show you something…” shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture Carla Moran hisses from the atop her daughter Bernadette M. Cacca’s Manteno home where she is busy playing kazoo pop covers as she burns the port-a-potty waste in her washroom.

“I’m busy.” Bernadette begins to play harder/faster/bigger/stronger into her toy instrument.



 “Bernadette, I have some projects for you to do!”


“I’m all pooped out.”

The vulture takes flight and makes air donuts around the Caccas’ property.

“I’ll smack some sense into you if you don’t—”

“BOOOM!”

Carla’s extra-long, pointy beak slams into a tree, creating a large crack in its bark, tail-feathers shaking as the creepy craptor wiggles her entire body around trying to break free from her own self-imposed prison.

That poor tree.

I can grab things off the bottom shelf, unlike these guys: Creator of the Moroniverse

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Daily writing prompt
How would you describe yourself to someone who can’t see you?
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Wally Green’s Brand Spankin’ New Inventions!

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Coming soon to the corner of Wally and Green’s! What kinda crap is Kankakee ladies’ man, barfly and wacky inventor Wally Green cooking up now?

Sponsored by WallyMobile

Introducing the new mobile phone plan from Wally Green’s! Exclusive to our stores, WallyMobile offers unlimited talk/text, a super-hard to navigate touch-screen, and plenty of not-so-yummy tracking cookies to slow your phone while consuming your data! Apply today! Be sure to pay for it using your Wally Green’s credit card as we do not accept Craptocoin.

MyDoucheBag

These extra, extra-plopsy bags are made from recycled douche and rusty canoes. With more pockets than you’ll ever need, these bags are specially designed to make sure you lose your stuff! Wally’s patented CrapStraps will be sure to tangle and strangle the wearer. Buy one get one half off (but never free)!

ScrewyLid

Are your tumbler lids too easy to take off and put back on? Try Wally’s new ScrewyLid!  Using the same design our adult-proof pill-bottle lids, you will be sure you lose your top! Screw it back on, but ohhh, it’s stuck half-way again. Pick one up at Wally Green’s on the corner nearest you! Three for $7.00! (Must buy three)

Throw-a-Fit Blankets

Do you get frustrated trying to keep your fitted sheets on the bed? Now, throw a fit, every time you try to fit this throw onto your bed, only for it to fling right off. You might as well throw it away.

Why Do TV Commercials All Use the Same Background Music?

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Text: So many choices. Image: a laptop computer displaying a music production app with only two choices for drum loops, and only one for melody.

“Clappity-clap, snappity snap, and all the one-note-wonders make for a changing of the channel.”

– Musician, singer and producer, Gothic Diana Ross, Manteno

Close your eyes…

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Imagine a debit card with a 69% introductory UFO on purchases (for complete pricking information and impotent terms and conditions, policing of services, delimiters, modifiers and values, please clink on the lick below) and a 30-second online alien abduction (subject yourself to verification).

Apply now at Wally Green’s for an Area 51 Visa credit card!

“You might never encounter an offer quite close to being this good!” — Wally Green, Founder of Wally Green’s drugstore, inventor of the Turd Machine Deluxe and invader of spaces.

Coming soon: Alien Abduction Insurance. It’s hot!