Tag: illinois

MoronicArts Classics: Bernadette Cacca Joins The Illuminati?

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After hearing Manteno entramanure, communal narcadoodle and bog witch Bernadette Cacca’s kazoo showtune covers on her husband Brandon’s phone, Pris Dixon tells Bernadette she is her biggest fan and wants to join her fan club, the Poopy Groupies.

After reading the fan message Mrs. Dixon had delightfully shoved into Bern’s inbox, BM Cacca reads this message posted to her Fakebook wall:

“You have been pre-approved to join the Illuminati! Have fun gaining wealth, power and glory in this secret society! Just pay a $19.99 convenience fee to start!

Text “JOIN” to 23

Or contact Emperor Norton to unsubscribe.

Fnord”

Bernadette of course falls for the scamvertisement, and brags at her next Manteno Optimal Club Charity Concert for Tips and Giggles that she had become the world’s newest Illuminatus. Then she blows some more cover tunes out her butt-trumpet.

Pris Dixon interrupts the gig to deliver a special news bulletin, special only in her mind. She complains she did not get her welcome letter, membership card and poop emoji decal. Bernadette farts in her face and keeps on playing, not missing a butt…umm…beat.

“I need to talk to the manager!”

“OK Karen!” one of Bern’s bumlickers heckles Mrs. Dixon.

Sonya Marie Smith Moran, President of The Poopy Groupies pulls Pris Dixon aside.

“Prius, did you pay in Craptocoin?”

“It’s Pris, short for Priscilla. No, I paid cash. Cash is king ya know?”

“We only accept Craptocoin.”

Pris storms out Manteno Optimal Club and calls her hubs, Brandon Dixon, to pick her up.

Brandon pulls his imbecile machine into the middle of the lot, and realizes his biggest crush is inside singing.

The dysfunctional Dixons have a spat and Brandon runs inside to hopefully get an autograph from his steaming hot crush, Bernadette Cacca from the car auto warranty messages. Pris sits alone inside Brandon’s overly lifted shiny white truck, decorated in sexist decals and MAGAt stickers, and rips a huge fart. Of course, she does not roll down the windows because she loves the smell of her own noxious waste.

“Is this…Bernadette…KaCo?”

“It’s Cacca.”

“Hello Mrs. Cankles. This is Mephisto Smith from the Illuminati. Your application got rejected due to insufficient funds.”

“Oh I have plenty of fun. I just met this AWESOME man here at my—“

“Funds. Your transaction failed. We cannot extend you our exclusive fame and fortune unless you pay us first.”

“Oh, let me whip up another batch of NFTs.”

“Mrs. Cocky, I said NSF. In-suff-icient FUNDS.”

“Newly formed turds! I mine my craptocoin the old fashioned way.”

“You need to wire me 19.99 plus a $23 dollar inconvenience fee, or we will reject your application.”

“What’s going on, beautiful lady, Manteno’s very own national treasure?” Brandon Dixon asks the steaming mad pile of crap Bernadette.

Bernadette storms out and slithers her way into the swamp for the night, putting the extra in bog-witch-extraordinaire.

“Honk honk! A-you-ga!” Brandon’s imbecile machine cat-calls as Pris lays on the horn. Brandon reluctantly drives his wife home and barely makes it. Pris of course was running its engine the whole time, because you know, it’s cold?

Wally Green’s Rejected Patents

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Kankakee County ladies’ man Wally Green has been notorious for his wacky inventions for quite some time. Some of his ideas have made it into his drug stores. Others failed to pass patent approval and almost landed him in prison.

Finger Ale

Made from real fingers, this new organic health drink was set to be the new health craze, only it failed FDA requirements, and put Wally on several law enforcement watch lists.

Toiliot

This production-oriented, automated toilet would flush well ahead of schedule and make sure to splash its user, doubling as a bedde. As an added bonus, Toiliot would entertain people by making fart noises after flushing, much like Wally would when he blew his nose.

Passhole

This computer program would require its user to type in their password correct the first time. Any error would result in electric shock and their account locking up immediately.

Do not look for these products at a Wally Green’s near you. Just don’t. We’re warning you.

Should Wally Green Go Into The Furniture Business?

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Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green wants to open up a furniture store. Just think of all the annoying commercials he can make! Buy one get one half off (but never free) at your corner Wally Green’s!

Text and image describing how engineer Colin Furze invented the "High Voltage Ejector Bed."

Collector Gone Wild!

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Kankakee supervisor, LeBaron driver and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble loves bills so much, she collects them. She has collected so many over the years at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) she was eventually promoted to team leader. Sybil is also the undisputed CRASS champion of the company’s annual Medication Pronunciation Competition, having won it every year since she started.

Wally Green’s Drugstore “Improvements”

~ Jen ~ 5 Comments

Deerfield-born ladies’ man, drugstore owner and wacky inventor Wally Green wants all his customers to know he cares. After partnering with corrupted contractor Terry Reynolds of Albion, Indiana, he is doing some “CONSTRUTION” to renovate his stores.

FART CARTS

These shopping carts play the brown note when you get within 10 feet of the store’s door, making you crap your pants to punish you for not putting the cart away

404 COUPONS NOT FOUND 

These 404 page coupon booklets are designed with only some pages numbered, confusing Wally’s customers on purpose because Wally hopes they will give up and die trying before finding their coupon of choice. 

CLICKETY-CLAPPETY INTERCOM MUSIC

Do you like hearing the same 15-second piano loop every time you call Wally Green’s pharmacy? Wally partnered with the same firm who produced every single commercial that ran on television for the past three years to create 30-second loops using only finger snaps, hand-claps and “boom” sounds…the latter lifted from the Queen song “We Will Rock You.” It is the only music more repetitive than that of pop singer John Mayer. Marshall Stacks will be installed outside every store to make sure his neighbors hear it too.

TRAP DOOR CHILD SEATS

In an effort to save the almighty dollar, Wally Green’s is ceasing to repair the child-seat straps in their carts. At random, your coffee, purse or child will get trapped in the cart, or maybe even your fingers! We promise to keep delivering our buy one, get one half off (but never free) sales, and cutting expenses at all costs enables us to keep offering these sales to our beloved customers!

Becca Frickfrick is gone in 60 seconds.

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Ennui fills the mind of Kleptomaniac Rebecca “Becca” Frickfrick as she foams at the mouth craving the next thing to rip off. After failed attempts to steal lawn ornaments, she’s now a free bird roaming the Moroniverse.

Kankakee bill collector and dog-food enthusiast Sybil Kibble is busy taking supervisor calls and reviewing debtor files at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS).

“I need a calculator, Miss Sybil” collector Pamela Frickfrick asks her boss.

Sybil opens up a couple drawers from the supply cabinet.

“You have your choice of this silver solar-powered one one or this green one with extra large numbers.”

“Nope, I need a graphing calculator.”

“For what?”

“My math homework.”

Before Sybil could shake her head, she spies Pamela’s twin sister Becca Frickfrick across the way knocking down company flyers, raiding the fridge and scratching her butt in the lunchroom.

“Oh heck no. Not my dog chow!” Sybil exclaims.

“Becca, go home for the rest of the week.”

“But I need the money!”

“Just go home and shut up.”

Sybil Kibble is busy loading groceries into her Chrysler LeBaron at the Schmucks Supermarket parking lot. As Sybil turns her back, Becca Frickfrick helps herself to random things from Sybil’s shopping cart.

“What are you doing?” Sybil asks.

“This is mine, this is mine, this is mine too…”

With one hand, Sybil swings the swiped staples back into her possession.

“Do you know who I am?” Becca stupidly asks her boss.

“An idiot. Now go home.”

Sybil climbs into her passenger seat to finish putting the grocery sacks into the talking car. Mrs. Frickfrick opens the driver’s side door, swipes the keys out of Sybil’s left coat-pocket, and begins to steal her car. Ten feet and one turn later, Miss Kibble successfully wrestles the grabbity hands off the stealing wheel, puts her car into park and shoves the thief onto the pavement.

“You can’t do this to me! I started this town! I AM KANKAKEE!” Becca cries out.

“You’re fired.”

“Eeeeeeeeeee!” Becca lets out a perfect high C like a teeny baby, cries in the pouring rain as Sybil drives home.

Back at work, it’s Friday and Sybil can’t wait for the weekend. Neither can the rest of the CRASS staff.

Collector Mary Grr walks up to Sybil’s supervisor cubicle.

“Where did all headset foamies go? I went to buy some out of the vending machine and it was empty!”

“I’ll look into it,” Sybil assures her.

Fellow collector Dale Davis beeps his watch repeatedly while marching in place to the tune of his last call.

“Gates are closed everybody!” Operations Manager Mikey Phillips announces.

The entire call center cheers and logs off their collective workstations.

A couple of staff embers make a beeline for the washroom while others make their ways to the break-room, only to discover a certain Becca Frickfrick emptying the vending machines after she had jury-rigged them to give her free stuff.

“You know, there’s a better way to do that…” Dale deadpans.

“If these things all fall out, I get to keep them, right?”

Sybil Kibble grabs Rebecca by the ear, lifts her up and and hoists her out the window.

“YEEEET!”

Sybil waves at the former CRASS collector and laughs.

“How did she even get in here?” Dale asks.

“We have no security here at CRASS because our wonderful owner Mack. E Avelli fired our guards during COVID, to save money of course.”

“Of…course.” Dale agrees with his superior as Mack is in the back counting up this week’s profits.

Seasons Yeetings!

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Entramanure and communal narcadoodle Bernadette Cacca loves doing charity gigs just to look good on the outside. Gothic Diana Ross & the Midnight Supremes can not wait to try out their new trebuchet to avenge their Manteno neighbor Bernadette for relentlessly nagging them and stinking up the block burning port-a-poopies.

Yeet-o-Matic!

Ahhhh…Coffee.

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments
Image: black-and-white cartoon showing an older lady sitting next to a middle-aged blond woman relaxing at a bookstore-cafe.

Sybil Kibble and her ma JoAnn take a meditation class at their local Buckstars in Bourbonnais at the annual Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) work ReTreat offered to combat stress from calling to interrupt lunches and suppers of unsuspecting debtors, by asking them to repay dubious bills.

Do you like coffee? How do you take yours?

MoronicArts Classics: Sybil’s Spit Machine, Bees & Lawnmower-Race Woes

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Kankakee bill-collector and dog-chow diner Sybil Katrina Kibble had left her lawn sprinkler spit-spit-spitting, too lazy to care about water conservation, while she drove her Chrysler LeBaron all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit-down lawnmower right before the race. Sybil insisted on winning the Annual Lawnmower Race.

Sadly, silly-billy Sybil lost the lawnmower race because she was too loopy from inhaling helium.

Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back home to Kankakee. However, she could not fly because she was too scared. This idea never got off the ground.

Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine went awry, flooding her entire lawn and that of neighbor Kitty Bee’s too!

Adding insult to injury, Sybil then she got chased by a swarm of angry kitties and bees! Poor Sybil.

She then left compete in Fire Truck racing with her Ma JoAnn! Ooh, what fun!!!

404: Dog Food Not Found

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Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble loves the taste of dog food so much, she eats it on her breaks and for supper.

Because of the shipping delays, Sybil cannot find her beloved Alpo online to buy.

Frustrated with repeated bouts with the Spinning Cheerio of Death, she opts for Brand X instead, reluctantly.