Tag: kankakee county

Bern in Hell

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

A few years from now, Communal narcissist and poopyburner Bern Cacca, who wanted to be everybody’s friend, but only to use them finds herself forced out of Manteno and into the pits of Hell.

“Satan, why am I here?”

“Because you’re evil, Bern.”

“But I did all those favors! I played accordion for the Optimal Club! I gave people rides! I–“

“Did you do those things to help, or to make yourself look good?”

“Uhhh…”

“And how many times did you admit you did something wrong. Count them. I will wait. So will my visiting intern Gothic Diana Ross. She will take you to your cell. Do you prefer jagged rocks or bubbling excrement?”

Dale Davis Dreams of a Life With Sybil Kibble

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee bill collector Dale Davis wants to make dollars and cents with his boss, dog-food diner Sybil Kibble.

“I’m worth your time.”

— Dale Francis Davis.

Upside Down You Turn Me

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Local yokel and poor Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on Gothic Diana Ross, lead singer from the Manteno band The Midnight Supremes.

Robbie stalks Diana on Fakebook and Utube, telling her she is the best diva on earth and she can be the boss of him anytime.

Do you think Diana is impressed?

Mmmm…Spam.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Image: a color drawing of a skinny man drooling

Kankakee County art student, petty criminal and junk emailer Pat Oswald Splatt drools over the new version of the SpamPerfect data harvester. Yum.

Madeline Thinks She Is Really IT.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Black-and-white cartoon featuring a large, white, female clown at a cafe getting thrown out by a Latinx barista,

Manager of Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments, Vaudeville clown and sociopath Madeline Topolla-Teirant sat down to study for her clown-school SATs at the Bourbonnais Buckstars after screaming demands at the friendly cafe staff, hoping to score herself a free drink. Madeline, known as “Madwoman” to her peers and tenants, thinks she can get her way by barking at people and calling them names like a schoolyard bully.

“I need you to leave and never come back” part-time barista Fernando T. Perez asserted. Of course, Madwoman threw a Karen fit, calling it “illegal” to throw her out, hurling racial slurs and colorful language. That’s IT!” Fernando called police and pointed at Madwoman.

Needless to say, the mad clown was hurled out, and banned for life.

A Song After Bernadette and Damien’s Own Fart

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee communal narcissists Bern Cacca and Damien Hurlbutt met one night dancing to this farty tune playing at a local grocery store. Damien did the scoot-and-poot and Bern lit a match.

Under The Bridge

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
A full-color illustration of an older lady running underneath a dingy bridge. Graffiti text reads: "Robbie", "Damien" and an anarchy symbol can be seen drawn onto the underpass wall.

Town troll Leona Krabalsky runs from under her bridge between Kankakee and Bourbonnais after Manteno sociopath and port-a-potty entremanure Peppi Cacca confronts her for selling fake drugs. Peppi brags he has “ARI: Armed Redneck Insurance.”

The Narcissist Brothers – Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
A black and white drawing featuring concentric circles, a cartoon of an Elvis impersonator and a neckbeard wearing a fedora. Text: Robbie, Damien. Old Supply, New Supply. You Got It, We Want It. Robbie and Damien
New Supply, Old Supply — You Got It, We Want it.

They know what they want, and they want it right now!

Call D. U. Hurlbutt at 500-FART-NOW

Terrance And Phillip Air

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments
No wonder Sybil Kibble cannot fly. Kankakee County fart-addicts Damien Hurlbutt, Bernadette Cacca, and Wally Green all fly the same airline, powered by flatulence. I hope it is well ventilated.

King and Queen of the Throne

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Peppi & Bernadette Cacca reign when it comes to poop.