At last, we finally know who makes those car warranty calls.

Kankakee’s Used Imbecile Machine dealer Brandon Dixon thought Out of Warranty Experience called him. Nope — Tyrell Corporation started selling extended auto warranties after Deckard retired the Nexus-6 Replicants in November 2019.

Reaction time is important, so please pay attention.

As Seen At Wally’s

Wally Green’s Brand Spanking-New Inventions

DO-IT-YOURSELF NASAL ENDOSCOPY

Why go to the doctor when you can do your own medical tests? New to Wally’s Pharmacy Department, pick your nose and use our hose to see what troubles your throat may pose. Buy one, get one half-off (but never free!)

“Works like a charm!” – Lifted truck salesman and Juggalo, Brandon Dixon, Peotone

CRAP FLAPPITY 

This toilet seat is not only buy one, get one half off (but never free), but it attacks people randomly using Wally’s patented cheap brackets. Why take a boring dump when you can take an annoying one? 

“This is an awesome toilet seat!” – Communal narcadoodle, photo-op enthusiast and entramanure Bernadette Cacca, Manteno

Goes great on any FussPot. Get Wally’s half-ply toilet paper to put in it!

DAEMON PHONE FROM HELL

These mobile phones are three for $1000 (must by three). Why buy a boring mobile phone? Wally’s exclusive D-Mobile phone plays with itself when you are aren’t looking, dialing random numbers and opening random crapApps. Maybe it will dial 911 when you least expect it!

“D-Mobile is a great phone. Trust me, I sell them myself!” — Wally Green’s floor clerk Robbie Hurlbutt, Kankakee

What The Truck?

Leon Peeonne takes the wrong bus by mistake. When he realises he is on the wrong bus, he walks out the front door, kicks the side of bus and walks home to see his girlfriend Rachel, who is sawing a forest in her sleep.

Mr. Peeonne wakes up and decides it is time to buy a vehicle. Leon takes the right bus this time, and de-boards at Brandon’s Imbecile Machines in Kankakee, hoping to buy an overly lifted truck to lift his ego.

“What comes in a fully loaded truck?”

“I cover it myself in decals like containing misogynist sayings, one of the Insane Clown Posse dude, and a random letter P. Maybe some Faygo and Cheetos too. Proud Juggalo here.“

The two fools shake hands.

Leon meets Brandon at the financing office to discuss payment.

“Umm, do you accept barters?”

“It depends. What ya got?”

“A case of fat-free oil, a gross of dehydrated water, and 17 cubic zirconia rings.”

“Yeah…no. Do you have any money at all? Cash?”

“Umm, I got these NFTs. Newly Formed Turds.

Leon pulls out some freshly mined Craptocoin he got from Bernadette Cacca in Manteno after his mother Leona – the Kankakee troll – egged him on to buy the rotten-egg scented craptocash.

Brandon just shakes his head. He does not want any more crap. He is already full of it.

Welcome Back, Brandon Dixon

After spending 30 days in Kankakee County Jail, Brandon Dixon was happy to be free again to sell imbecile machine at his used vehicle lot.

Brandon could not wait to drive his overly lifted truck, covered in decals displaying The Imitation Punisher, profane sayings in a gun-shaped-font, and a Confederate flag to his ”Welcome Party.”

Mr. Dixon would do anything to make sure his Compensationmobiles would go to his customers, however he missed all sales that day.

Fan Art – Brandon Dixon

Thank you to Zotco for painting this awesome picture of Brandon Dixon, owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines in Kankakee. He will give you a break on a crotch rocket or an overly-lifted truck with obnoxious details to say thanks!

[ARTTRADE] Brandon isn't wide awake

Thank you Zotco!

Visit his incredibly detailed and creative gallery here:

https://www.deviantart.com/zotco