Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

April 15, 2021 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]

If social media platforms had dating profiles…

April 11, 2021 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Youtube

Location: San Bruno, California

Politically I am:

The copyright police. Wooo-wooo, don’t go to jail now!

About me:

Due process, what’s that?

I am good at:

Kissing up to the MPAA and RIAA, altering statistics for the heck of it

I am known for:

Knocking down content based off accusations alone; installing annoying commercials with cranked up sound effects and bad, bouncy, boingity music before as many videos as possible. I am not attractive among most of my peers, nor most people on the planet.

Twitter

Location: San Francisco, California

About me:

Tweet tweet!

I am good at:

Saying things very quickly. See, that was fast!

I am known for:

The 45th President of the USA and his tiny hands. He is my best customer!

Facebook

Location: Menlo Park, California

Politically I am:

Extremely conservative

About me:

I will tell you only what I want you to know. Shrouded in mystery, I have no support system and I am not good at answering messages.

I am good at:

Giving you updates on stuff you don’t want and not giving you the updates you want.

I am known for:

Useless changes and telling you the same story over and over again. I do not like nudity. Violence is okay.

Top Ten Stupid Ways to Annoy People

April 11, 2021 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Write to classified ads from 25 years ago. Personal ads a plus.
Forward those survey emails get when you give away your info at the store to all your friends in your contact list.
Call 1-900 chat lines and ask for pizza.
Burn girlie magazines in the fireplace. When the owner of the magazines sees what you’re doing and gets mad, tell him that you ran out of firewood and didn’t want to freeze.
Wish somebody a happy birthday in the paper when it’s not their birthday. Better yet, make up names (and try to rhyme).
Speak in tongues to telemarketers.
Ring the doorbell at a stranger’s house right when they show the Publisher’s Clearing House van pull up on TV on the day they pick the winner. Then run away as fast as possible.
Pronounce company initials and vowel-less acronyms as whole words.
Call up companies and ask if they’re “hearing”. When they ask you what you’re talking about, ask if you can get an “aphlication”.
Drive a motorcycle up your parents’ stairs when they’re trying to sleep.

This just in.

April 1, 2021 ~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

We here at MoronicArts are sorry to announce that there will be no toilet paper giveaway this year.

Bernadette used it all up.

We are sorry for the incontinence.

Bernadette’s New Bop

March 29, 2021 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Manteno communal narcissist and poopy-burner Bernadette Cacca just discovered her new favorite tune. Maybe she will perform it live for charity on accordion.

Peppi’s Portopotties Drops Their New Rap Track.

March 16, 2021 ~ Jen ~ 10 Comments

An old man raps while his middle-aged wife plays accordion outside a building in Manteno, Illinois.

Manteno sociopath Peppi Cacca and his communal narcissist wife Bernadette wish to advertise their business Peppi’s Portopotties on television. Bernadette plays accordion while her husband raps about how they are king and queen of the throne. Look for their new track on AudioCumulus.

Oh Snap, My Dealer!

March 4, 2021 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee County karaoke king, poor Elvis impersonator and covert narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt was so happy to finally get some people at one of his many gigs. Robbie believes in quantity over quality, or staying “prolific”, as Robbie says. Too bad his speedball dealer showed up.