“Where the heck has Sonya been?”

“Uhh, a little birdy told me she was last seen near Area 51 in Nevada.” Bog witch, entramanure and communal narcadoodle Bernadette Moran Cacca says to her shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and self-righteous narc mother Carla.

“Who? Was it my cousin Jackie? He flies by all the time but not once, even once, ever says hi.”

“Who’s that?”

“Oh you know him, you met him when you were five at grandma’s house.”

“I have no idea, it was just a rumor…”

“I’m picking up all this stuff here at her house…”

“Oh wow, ma, anything for me? Anything worth beaucoup bucks?”

“Nope. Everything I’m picking up I’m THROWING OUT!” the angry bird says with great pride (but not the good kind). Why couldn’t I get a free trip to Area 51?”

“Maybe she got a job there, I dunno…”

“I’ve applied there over and over, and heard nothing. Why does SHE get to go there but not ME? MUST BE NICE.”

Feathers ruffled, Carla Moran starts flapping her wings and cursing.

“Maa, y’know I have you on speakerphone.”

“Nevermind!”

“Why don’t you come down to the Manteno Optimal Club and compete in our poetry slam?”

“You know I hate poetry, and it’s a long way from Eastern Indiana”

“Oh come now, it’s for a good cause!”

“We’ll see…”

“I’d love to see my mother again. Won’t you do it just for me? You do love me right?” the hag gaslights.

“Okay! Okay! Okay! Enough!”

“Great see you Sunday.”

“Roger that!” Pamela Frickfrick laughs to her twin sister Becca who has been eavesdropping on her neighbors from across the block.

“Our newly installed Frickfrick towers are working pretty darned good I say. When are your grandkids coming over, Becca?”

“Today. Can you watch them?”

“I gotta work at Credit Recovery Associates. You know, that CRASS job I got a few months ago.”

“Isn’t it illegal for bill collectors to call on weekends? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“You’re a CRASS bill collector too, you should know!”

Pamela storms out the door of her Manteno home and wanders on over to see what kind of dookie she can stir up over at the house of Cacca.

Bernadette is sitting upstairs pooping and singing a song of stupidity, therefore Pamela seizes the opportunity to do something even crappier. After all, it’s all a competition for these bored bitties. “Oh look a bowling ball!” Pamela hoists the lawn ornament from Bernadette’s house over on Kant Street to hers on Ken Street so it can grow legs.

She rolls the ball, striking her garage wall, sparing her from having to buy one herself. Then she goes out on another Moronquest.

Pam spots the slate Victorian mansion of Gothic Diana Ross and The Midnight Supremes. “Oh how handsome, a knight in shining armor. I think it fell off a truck,” Pamela thinks aloud as she hauls the decorative swordfighter over to her home to live instead. “Maybe I’ll dress him up to look like the king instead, the King of Rock and Roll!”

Pamela drives over to Wally Green’s to hopefully buy gaudy jewelry, a blue-black wig and fake sideburns to decorate her new man. Wandering around the store, two clerks circle around her asking eight times each if she needs help, despite her having said no the first time.

“Oh shoot-a-darn. I forgot to get my meds, where’s the pharmacy hun?”

The clerk points his arm toward the back of the store and a large cartoon of Wally’s silly grin.

After waiting in line for 25 minutes, Pamela finally makes it to the pickup window.

“Pamela Frickfrick”

“Sorry, we’re still working on it. Give us 20 minutes,” says her crush, Kankakee Elvis impersonator and pharmacy tech Robbie Hurlbutt.

Mrs. Frickfrick wanders around the store to buy some crap she does not need, only to circle back to her number one singer.

“We have a P and C at Pharmacy. Pharmacy, we have a P and C.”

“What’s that?” Pamela asks Robbie.

“Someone’s just dropping off a specimen over at the lab.”

“OK. Now tell me, do you have vaccines for FIV?”

“FIV? You mean HIV.”

“No. FIV. It’s a disease that cats can get and I don’t want to catch it.”

“Umm, we don’t have a vet clinic here, sorry ma’am.”

“It’s for me. You sell shots here right?”

“Of gin?”

“No, I don’t drink any darn alcohol. I just wanna shot so I don’t get FIV.”

“Lady, you can’t get FIV from cats!” a passerby shouts, then shakes her head as she walks away.

“Robbie, you are the sexiest man on earth. Don’t you know anything about what you sell? You are smart for your age.”

“Ummm, I am 47. I grow the same boogers as you.”

“You need to respect your elders! I am 74 and a lot older than you. Get me the manager now!”

“I AM the manager,” Robbie lies.

“Well imma gonna done call ICE and report you for being friendly to migrants when I go home. I am no longer your biggest fan!” Pamela breaks down and cries all the way across Kankakee County.

Meanwhile Keysha, Aaliyah and Cedric are playing in their gramma’s house. “Where did she get this bowling ball?” little Keysha asks her siblings as tries to lift it.

“I dunno, but let’s see how much damage it can do on this knight!” Cedric says, grabbing the 12 pound ball as he begins to throw strikes.

The two girls run into the backyard.

“Oooh, legos!” the kids cry, as they tear apart the red-and-white antenna array.

“A prize inside! Is this a radio?

“No, it’s just a dumb baby monitor.” Gothic Diana Ross tells the kids, having walked over looking for her missing lawn ornament.

“Hey kids, where’s your grandmother?”

“I dunno.”

“Is she home?”

“No.”

“Is anybody home?”

“Just us…”

Concerned about the thefts — and more importantly — the kids’ welfare, the Gothic Boss Ms. Ross calls the police.

The Kankakee police eventually locate Pam walking along the sidewalk somewhere in Bradley, carrying a red metal container.

“Are you Pamela Frickfrick?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Where are you headed, ma’am?”

“I had forgotten to fill my tank when the yellow light illuminated and I’m looking for a filling station.”

“Where did you get this bowling ball?” the cop asks as she shows her a photo from her phone.

“It rolled over one night when he had storms. Why?”

“And this metal knight?

“Oh he walked over to my house. I promise I did not steal him from his girl. I didn’t do anything.”

“Nope, you didn’t. We dispatched an officer to your home to find three children abandoned.”

“This is not fair! I’m a senior citizen who pays your salary! I know the mayor!”

“We know the mayor too,” the policewoman says as she handcuffs the town Frickfrick and reads her Miranda rights.

(This story dedicated to a special friend who loves cats).