I Wanna Speak To The Manager

“We need to increase our bottom line,” CRASS CEO Mack E. Avelli tells his entire staff in the board room.

“Size matters.”

Laughter fills the entire room.

“Our budget is only so big and we need to increase our revenue to exceed expenses. We could only give so much to the Optimal Club last year and we had to shortchange the Kankakee Medicine Pronouncing Competition, even though we had already committed. We need good ideas, only the best.

Dale raises his hand.

“I know. I have a really good idea. How about we do things the Dale way this year…”

Mr. Avelli sighs.

“No just listen up. I’m worth your time. How about we spend less money on charity? That way we will have more money for the things we need. It all makes sense. We can do things the way we have been doing them, or we can do things the Dale way.”

“That’s enough Dale. We need to look good for the community. Image is everything. Who will go next?”

“Maybe we can hire more people to cut back on overtime? I am swamped with purchase requests!” Linda Stay says.

“Nice idea, but work faster,” Mr. Avelli snarks.

Sybil raises her hand.

“Sybil Kibble! What is YOUR grand idea?”

“I know. How about we call up and say we are “Kristy” from Management. Ask the debtor to call us back. We have no Kristy working here. Block caller ID so the suckers will not know it is us!”

“Great idea Sybil! Change all scripts immediately and don’t forget to double down on every call, everybody!”

The collectors get to work.

Calls come in.

“I would like to talk to Crispy?”

“Crisco called. Hahahaha.”

“Is the Cisco kid? My router is stuck. Can you fix it?

“Yeah I hear I won a free trip to Frisco. When do I go?”

More calls roll in.

“Yeah I heard a manager called me. I wanna speak to the manager. This is Karen.”

Team Leader Sybil Kibble cannot keep up with the call volume. The Collections Representatives keep transferring all their calls to her because they keep asking for a manager. After all, the messages stated a manager called for them! 

The phone system shuts down due to Denial of Service, in other words a system overload.

“What are we going to do?” CRASS CEO Mack E. Avelli asks Sybil Kibble in her office.

“Act more ethically next time?”

They share a laugh.”

“Carrier pigeons,” Mr. Avelli smirks.

It is CRASS business as usual.

How to Reply to Nosey Questions

The next time a nosey moron starts bothering with their unsolicited questions about your business, try these answers!

PS: If you feel so inclined, I would love if you followed me on Ko-Fi, where I post exclusive works-in-progress. It is free to join and comment. Tips always appreciated, never expected. Please tell a friend.

https://ko-fi.com/artbyjenx

Moron of the Week – Obsessed Fanboy

This sad playboy — I am putting it nicely — got all butthurt when I messaged him looking for friendship. Yes, friends, as in getting to know each other better. When he replied to my intro question showing interest in his hobbies, all he said was he liked those things. I replied asking him what he would like to know about me and what was his response? Wait for it.

He said yes, go ahead. Confused by his comment, I replied with a simple question mark.

Since he was five hours ahead of me, I did not expect a reply, or even to see him online at that point. It was 8:50 PM my time, 1:50 AM his time.

This luser got all butthurt, saying I was interested in him and got rather cross because I asked him to tell me more about himself. You know, what humans do to get acquainted. Figuring he had something to hide, I blocked him. I wanted no more contact.

Today, ennui got the best of his soul, so he sent me this message right here on MoronicArts to try and mansplain dating, music, or whatever it was he thought I was trying to achieve when I wrote him, because my blog is chock-full o’ pretend and real-life morons like him.

Hmmm. Maybe he sees a little bit of Peppi Cacca and Pat Splatt in himself. Or maybe Damien Hurlbutt since Gareth’s Twitter handle “tungstenfedora” screams neckbeard. Why not get yourself an anime waifu like the other neckbeards, Gareth? Maybe he should get a hobby, I have things to do and am very busy.

Meanwhile, Gareth, enjoy your participation trophy, I mean Moron of the Week Award. Hold onto it really tightly, because I need it for the next moron.

This post brought to you by the letters #MotW.

Watch Carly Simon poke fun at neckbeards in her updated video to “You’re So Vain.”

Sybil Kibble & Her Dating Misadventures.

Looking for a dog-food date, Sybil Kibble places a want-ad. Look at all those hot contenders!

Screenshot from a dating app conversation. 
Text: "Hello, I am incredibly surprised to see your profile
Reply: I love surprises, so does Damien from MoronicArts."
What a surprise, Diego — err — Dr. Diego.

A screenshot from a dating chat. Text: I hope you're reading this, it's for you. Reply: are you sure it's for me? I thought you meant to write Gothic Diana Ross."
No way, certainly he meant to email Gothic Diana Ross and the Midnight Supremes.
A dating ad from an 75-year-old-man seeking a woman 20-35.
Text: "I'm not much but I'm better than nothing."
Though she may be very fit, Sybil passed on this guy, as he reminded her too much of Manteno sociopath and poop-enthusiast Peppi Cacca.

a screenshot of a facebook instant message from a stranger.
Why use dating apps when these very single men can just slide into her inbox?

A full-colour meme featuring The Texas Seven mugshots.
Text: "Don't claim to remember the year 2000 if you don't know who this biy band was."
Sybil took a break from dating apps and listened to her favorite Boy band, The Texas 7.
Aren’t they dreamy? Ahhh…