Moron of the Week: 31 Jan 21 – 6 Feb 21

If you would like to meet a real-life Damien Hurlbutt, now is your chance. This childrens’ performer is so selfish, he is more concerned about waiting for his wife’s heart surgery than, you know, his sick wife?

I pray she leaves him. I hope Brett lives out the rest of his life in an apartment full of his bubble-toys and puppets, a bare mattress, and a non-working toilet.

For his heartless behavior, I award Brett Roberts Moron of the Week.

Damien’s Dating Dilemma

Bourbonnais neckbeard and movie theater clerk Damien Hurlbutt prints up a bunch of business cards and leaves them around Kankakee County businesses, hoping to spring a date:

DAMIEN ULYSSES HURLBUTT

SINGLE NICE GUY

SEEKS M’LADY FOR

FREE MOVIE TICKETS

815-555-FART

Scammers call. Damien answers, thinking they are legit:

“Hi M’Lady M’dame” Damien answers.

“Is this Damien….Ummm….Hurlbutt?”

“You got ‘em.”

Hi. I am calling to report your Social Security Number has been disabled.”

“Oh hi. I see you got my card. I am a really nice guy.”

“I beg your pardon?

“No don’t hang up. I can will myself out of heart attacks, I am so cool.”

A click and a dial tone are heard.

Prankers call:

“Hello. Is this Damien?”

“Speaking.”

“You just won a lifetime subsciption to Feetsniffers’ Monthly!”

“I did! Oh, wow!”

“You moron, it’s a prank…”

The caller hangs up and a disappointed Damien’s smile turns upside down.

Pyramid scheme peddlers call.

“Hey, Babe.”

“Oh heyyyy honey puddin’” Damien replies to the lady caller.

“Umm, hi.”

“Heyyyy. What is a little and dainty lady want with an oaf like me?” Damien drools all over his flip phone.

“I have a great weight loss product that can take you from chump to champ in no time.”

“Come now!”

“Go now!” The lady hangs up on Damien.

Then Doris Krabalsky, the notorious street pyramid schemer calls. Damien hangs up. Doris calls again but Damien blocks her call because he does not want anything she might be selling.

Doris hides her number from caller ID and tries to call Mr. Hurlbutt again.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Damien?”

“Who is this?” Damien asks.

“I really think you are cute. Let’s go out sometime.”

“Wait, who is this?” a nervous Damien queries.

“Doris.”

Damien faints, falling to the floor, not waking up until hours later.

He did not “will his way out” of it, did he? In fact, he does not “will” his way out of much of anything.

Meet Priscilla “Pris” Dixon

Wife of Brandon Dixon (owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines) and mother to his kids; Pris is highly nosey, butts into strangers’ business, but does not believe in answering to knocks on the public washroom door. Pris works as a Medical Office Assistant for a Kankakee Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor and has a reputation for purposely confusing patients just to confuse and gaslight them. Pris proudly drives a green imbecile machine she bought from Brandon, branded with “You just got passed by a girl” decals.

Pris was raised by wealthy parents who gave her everything she wanted. Pris feels that, because she is a parent, she should cut in line at the cafes and burger joints. She dislikes the childfree by choice and gets her kicks by invalidating their feelings. Pris feels that only parents can make a valid point, and that life does not begin until you become a mother or father.

Pris was arrested once in Chicago for randomly assaulting a disabled woman on a bus whom she did not know. Pris has been known to wind people up out of boredom and is not afraid of anything or anyone.

Lunacy Letter From Damien

Damien Hurlbutt went off the deep end when his then-wife, Lori, stopped tolerating his verbal abuse and left him.

He sent this letter to her psychologist and her psychiatrist. The latter provider called it a “lunacy letter.” The former said she had never seen anything like it in all her years practicing.

Who makes up this stuff?

Oh yeah, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Lunacy Letter from Damien

Lori (whom Damien called Grimace) healed by listening to this song, drawing silly pictures, and spreading awareness about Moronic Personality Disorder, I mean Narcissistic.