Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble loves the taste of dog food so much, she eats it on her breaks and for supper.
Because of the shipping delays, Sybil cannot find her beloved Alpo online to buy.
Frustrated with repeated bouts with the Spinning Cheerio of Death, she opts for Brand X instead, reluctantly.
Five out of three MAGAts recommend Wally Green’s new Ear Duds!
Try the blind-boxed special: Will one Ear Dud continually plop out your ear, or the other? Will the sound quit altogether? Will the Cord From Hell (CFH) get caught up on a doorknob and strangle you?
Buy one, get one Ear Dud half off (but never free) at your neighborhood corner Wally Green’s!
Try the Turd Machine Deluxe, now with larger crapacity! Add your favorite flavors: Sodium phosphate, monosodium glutamate and formaldehyde! Gift your loved ones the life hack that shoots your turds out back!
Sixty-five year old Kankakee bill collector and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble wants an even thinner body than she already has, so she calls to order some supposed suppositories, so she thinks.
Sybil asks the customer care rep lots of questions, happy to be on the other side of the headset for a change.
“Do I take the blue pill or the yellow pill? Can I get my package marked? Can I take them with dog bones or do I have to have an empty stomach? Do they make them in blueberry? Lemon? How do these pills work, do they go from my butt to my mouth or the other way around?”
Then she orders a skid.
“Just don’t take the red pill,” JoAnn Kibble advises her daughter Sybil after she hangs up.
Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vultures like Carla and Sonya Moran spend way too much time ruffling feathers and pecking at people. They also poop wherever they want. 0/10 would not pet.
Press your buttons and land on one of these great prizes. But don’t land on Lizzie Borden, she’ll put an axe to all your winnings!
Coming November 31st to The Manteno Optimal Club
Let us hear, hear from our donors!
“I donated a whole buttload of freshly mined craptocoins because I’m so generous like that! I even designed the game board! You can win a date with yours truly, also! Free admission, with just a two drink minimum. Tip generously or I’ll shove the gratuities jar in your face!”
— Bernadette M. Cacca, owner of Peppi’s Portapotties and (very) part-time actor.
“I donated this trip to Gary, Indiana to let everyone know that was where my dear boy Robbie was conceived!”
— PJ Hurlbutt, retiree
“Ma, shut the heck up!”
— Robbie Hurlbutt, clerk at Wally Green’s
“Pooping…it’s great for the body! Everyone let’s get REGULAR!”
— Bernadette Moran Cacca, Manteno
“Flying, well yeah!”
— Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture Carla Moran, Albion Indiana
“Martial arts kicks, dancin’, anything to impress a groovy girl well enough to date this Elvis impersonator. I want to find the Yoko to his John.”
— Robbie R. G. Hurlbutt, Kankakee
“Anything I can do to break free from this cell already, m’lady madame.”
— Damien U. Hulrbutt, Area 51
Duhhhhh…I’m just vertical, roaming the free earth forrrr brains brainzz branesssss!
— Undead Greg Schneissder, Kankakee
Dead slumlord, malignant narc-a-doodle and shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture Sonya Mare Smith Moran wants out of Hell. “Boss, can I enter the new externship you announced?”
“No, Sonya, we need you to keep filing these intake forms of the newly damned.”
“But boss?”
“Don’t talk back to me. Now get to work!”
Sonya files for another 666 hours until the bell rings. “I wanna ring the bell, I wanna ring the bell, why can’t I ring the bell?” Sonya screams as she throws a childish tantrum because she’s not getting her way, much to the annoyance of Hell’s CEO Satan.
“Sonya, you can do your externship on Earth for up to 12 hours, then you’re to be summoned back to Hell.
“Hot dawg!” Sonya exclaims.
Poof! Sonya immediately manifests her apparition in Kitty Bee’s bedroom.
“Why don’t you talk to me? Why don’t you ask me? Why did you report me to the feds?” Sonya-Daemon says to her former tenant to try and intimidate her. It’s 5:00 AM.
“Be gone in the name of the Light! With this your soul I smite!” Kitty grabs her can of D-Mon-Con and sprays beaucoup sage all over Sonya-Daemon.
“And may it be smote.”
“I’m glad I bought two of these. They were buy one, get one half-off at Wally Green’s. Now with extra sage, nice!”
“Wow, that’s a record!”
“Say what now boss?”
“You lasted two minutes and you’re back to Hell already. Now get to work! I need you to do 13 files a minute. Go now! Byyyeeeeeee.”
Satan disappears to mind another department of Hell.
“Sybil, when did you start playing ball?”
“Ma, that’s not me!” Sybil Kibble replies to her mother JoAnn, while watching the Georgetown game. “His name is Jimmy.”
“Kimmy? Why did you change your name, sunshine?”
“My name is not Sunshine.”
Ever want to know where wannabe ladies’ man, covert narcadoodle, and Kankakee’s Number One Elvis impersonator Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt was conceived?
Neither does he. Robbie’s mother PJ Hurlbutt loves to remind her son where she got one of his two middle names in front of his boss, customers and potential girlfriends the groovy time she and his father N. Ron had one night in early 1978.
“Anything that gives me good poops so I can burn them later”
– Bern M. Cacca, Bog witch and port-a-potty empress
“Carrion usually, but I will fly great distances to get the best filet mignon.”
– Carla Moran, Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and sterile supply technician
I wanna suck your blood…I mean eat some rabbit pellets. They come out the same way they go in. Whatever you do, keep the garlic away. If you lie and tell me there’s no garlic in your blood I’ll know cuz I have ESP and PMS. I’m a witch who knows it ALL. You can have that one for free. Next customer!
– Missy Rabbit, Psychic Vampyre
“Dog food, any kind, but I prefer Alpo.. Never Brand X though, I can’t stand Elon Musk.”
– Sybil Kibble, Debt collector
“Anything but corn”
– Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt, Area 51 test subject
“We’re all carnivores”
– Tomato Karen & The Haggs
“Brains, brains, branes, braiiiiinnnnz…or poopies.”
– Undead Greg Schneissder
MoronicArts 
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