Tag: one minute read

GrammarLOON

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Wally Green proudly Introduces his new CrapApp GrammarLOON! Now you can pay money to make your computer interrupt you writing that important document for your boss, only to get whole sentences replaced with absolute gibberish! Impress your teacher by getting Ds instead of As or Bs on your homework because GrammarLOON screwed it up!

As seen in a recursive advertising loop on PooTube, the makers of AutoIncorrect want to take your typing frustrations to the next level! We are absolutely ducking sure you can buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s! 

Cross your fingers to safely pull into our Kankakee County corner lot, get a decent spot, then pick up a Word Salad Adapter for your Turd Machine while you’re there waiting two hours for your meds (which we told you on the phone would be ready in twenty minutes). If you happen to see the owner and wacky inventor Wally Green himself, ladies you sure are in luck! He is single, will date any woman who stands on two legs and won’t take no for an answer!

Robbie Hurlbutt is a Bad Piggie

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“All that birdie-birdie-birdie, chirp chirp cheer those cardinals sing in their mating calls, it is so repetitive,” drugstore clerk, vulnerable narc-a-doodle and Elvis impersonator Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt complains in his mother PJ’s Kankakee backyard.

“Umm, Robbie, I feel pretty confident Red is not looking to mate with you,” Sybil Kibble explains to the son of her neighbor and best friend PJ Hurlbutt with a smile as she plays the Angry Birds game on her phone.

Meet Bernadette the Kitten!

~ Jen ~ 9 Comments

MoronicArts has received news that someone in the Midwest named a kitty after the fictional Manteno moron Bernadette Moran Cacca. From left to right: Not-Bernadette, Bernadette, Another Non-Bernadette cat.

That poor cat! When asked if she poops a lot, we were told “Of course! She is a bottle baby.”

As Seen At Wally Green’s.

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

Wally Green’s Brand Spanking-New Inventions

DO-IT-YOURSELF NASAL ENDOSCOPY

Why go to the doctor when you can do your own medical tests? New to Wally’s Pharmacy Department, pick your nose and use our hose to see what troubles your throat may pose. Buy one, get one half-off (but never free!)

“Works like a charm!” – Lifted truck salesman and Juggalo, Brandon Dixon, Peotone

CRAP FLAPPITY 

This toilet seat is not only buy one, get one half off (but never free), but it attacks people randomly using Wally’s patented cheap brackets. Why take a boring dump when you can take an annoying one? 

“This is an awesome toilet seat!” – Communal narcadoodle, photo-op enthusiast and entramanure Bernadette Cacca, Manteno

Goes great on any FussPot. Get Wally’s half-ply toilet paper to put in it!

DAEMON PHONE FROM HELL

These mobile phones are three for $1000 (must buy three). Why buy a boring mobile phone? Wally’s exclusive D-Mobile phone plays with itself when you are aren’t looking, dialing random numbers and opening random crapApps. Maybe it will dial 911 when you least expect it!

“D-Mobile is a great phone. Trust me, I sell them myself!” — Wally Green’s floor clerk Robbie Hurlbutt, Kankakee

JoAnn Kibble is Chock Fulla Nuts

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JoAnn Kibble loves watching the squirrels chase each other in her Kankakee backyard, while looking out the window from the basement apartment she rents from her daughter, CRASS Lead Bill Collector and dog food aficionado Sybil.

Much to the backyard birds’ dismay, she fills the feeders full of nuts.

In The Year 2525…

~ Jen ~ 4 Comments

At the Indiana Museum of Natural History, this cryptid is a type of shape-shifting turkey vulture. Only one other example has been uncovered, both during a dig near Albion in Noble County. Rumor has it, her name was Sonya and she did a lot of moronic things, along with her sister Carla.

Oh no, not the Elon Musk bones!

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Kankakee basic babe, bill-collector and dog food enthusiast Sybil Kibble got so excited to acquire the new contract with ExPeedia, she bought herself some treats to celebrate. Unfortunately for her, she got the fool’s bones by mistake.

Ten ways to ward off cold weather gear enquirers.

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Try these helpful replies to nosey “Where’s your jacket?” spammers:

  1. Busy.
  2. Google it.
  3. At 30,000 feet.
  4. My dog ate it
  5. No you can’t borrow it.
  6. It’s pushing up daisies.
  7. :: random fart noises::
  8. Say the name of a ghost town.
  9. A horse took it.
  10. The network is down.

Konrad’s New Brown-Drink Adventure

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Tycoon tyrant Konrad opens a new café inside his Bourbonnais multiplex, Cinema-13. The barista had just poured the drinks and of COURSE he orders his son Bratley to pick them up.

“You’re hired! Now git to work!” Kon demands while he dreams of the big bags he will make from his new bean-soup business venture, happy to be rid of his former concessions clerk Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt whom he fired after he stopped showing up to work, because he was too busy getting caught trying to storm Area 51.

Want to go behind the scenes and see the artistic process behind these silly stories? Visit: https://ko-fi.com/artbyjenx and if you feel so inclined, leave Chief Moron Wrangler Jen a tip. The Moroniverse will thank you. :)

MoronicArts Classics: Money Can’t Buy You Love, Robbie.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

The Hurlbutts get together for their annual Christmas shenanigans. After opening $1000 worth of useless crap from Damien, Kankakee store clerk, covert narcissist and Elvis impersonator Robbie opens the sole gift from his mother. PJ could not wait to give this to Robbie.

Robbie opens his present. “Maaaa, you got this for free from Sybil.”

“It’s an autographed Elvis picture! I got it for you because I know how much you love Elvis.”

“You paid nothing for it. I spent $100 on that Blu-Ray player and the bootleg copy of Dune.”

“Money can’t buy you love, Robbie,” a disappointed PJ advises her spoiled brat son, who is throwing a tantrum like a three-year-old.

“I’ll take it. I can sell it on eBay!” the elder Hurlbutt son Damien tells his little brother Robbie.

The Hurlbutt brothers argue back and forth — after all, that is what narcissists love to do. PJ tries to break up the fight. Meanwhile, smoke is coming from the kitchen.

PJ runs into the kitchen.

“What is that?” Damien inquires.

“The Yule Log,” PJ sarcastically replies.

PJ takes the meat out of the oven just in time to stop a fire, and sends her dorky kids home so she can have a peaceful rest.

Before PJ has a chance to lie down, her best friend Sybil Kibble rings the doorbell.

Ahhh, holiday cheer.

Merry Christmas from MoronicArts!