Damien’s Special Birthday Meal

August 10, 2023August 3, 2023 ~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

“Now Mr. Hurlbutt, we have a special treat for you on your birthday! Instead of daily corn-on-the-cob which we know you just love, we have something else!” the guard says as she brings the test subject his tray.

“Oooh boy, oh boy, what is it?” Damien exclaims with glee, orange neckbeard aglow.

“Corn SILK! Enjoy, Daemon!”

“It’s Damien…” the communal narc-a-doodle and former cinema clerk from Bourbonnais frowns with disappointment and melodrama to add sappiness atop sappiness, head in palm drawn down in slow motion because he is an idiot who had tried to break into Area 51.

Happy Birthday Damien!

McVultures Fight Over McFood

August 6, 2023August 3, 2023 ~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

“Don’t come to see me at my grave if you don’t visit me when I’m alive!” shapeshifting humanoid vulture Carla Moran passive-aggressively demands of her sister Sonya Moran.

“I’m just going to McD’s.”

“Carrion is all I eat. I am so tired of eating the same dead meat. Carrion, carrion, carrion. You know what, sis? I’m gonna get me some filet mignon and you’re NOT getting any at all. I will eat it myself. You’re not welcome.”

Sonya flies away and gets herself a decent, cheap meal; but more importantly, some peace of mind. For now….

After Sonya enjoys her burgers, fries and nuggets, she leaves the fast-food-joint in Manteno hoping to avoid her idiot sister who had flown in from Albion, Indiana. Think again.

image: cartoon of humanoid vulture wearing pigtails, waving in the foreground. In the background, another humanoid vulture can be seen flying down toward the character in the foreground. Golden Arches and the McDonaldland character Grimace are also seen in the background running from it.

Text: "McDonalds, I'm lovin' it."

“You forgot your shake!” Grimace exclaims as he runs to hand Sonya her dessert. Though Carla had been making air donuts the whole time Sonya was inside having her McMeal, she swoops down too late to miss Grimace handing back Sonya’s order.

Carla smacks into the ground beak-first. Sonya points, laughs, and does a little dance.

“I have a headache…”

image: photo of village of Manteno, Illinois entrance

“Good. Mine’s gone now!” Sonya says as she swoops into the air, away from her McMoron sister who really only came to stir up trouble.

MoronicArts Presents: The Golden Moron Awards

July 4, 2023July 3, 2023 ~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

Introducing: The Golden Moron Award! This prestigious trophy only goes to the cream of the crop of those deserving souls who do the dumbest of all the things!

Take this fool. If you are unlucky in love enough to be single and in search of love in all the wrong places, you might come across her (or one of her clones.) There’s nothing more romantic than a big moron not showing sympathy – let alone empathy – for someone grieving the loss of a pet.

Ahh, good old fashioned stupidity.

Tracyros (or is it Imma?), we at MoronicArts crown you Golden Moron. Now take a bow.

Red Flags

June 25, 2023June 22, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Albion, Indiana shapeshifting humanoid vultures Sonya and Carla Moran decide to hit a few rounds of golf down at Red’s Country Club.

As Carla uses her pointy beak to chip a sharp putt and hopefully score a birdie, her sister-in-madness Sonya tries to screw her up. “I bet you can’t hit that, na na na na booboo!” Sonya sings like a little girl as she dances and mocks her golf partner.

Carla takes her five-iron and smacks her bird-brained sister straight across the forehead, then chucks her clubs off the ledge and flies away, down to the clubhouse for some filet mignon. She’s tired of carrion.

Thanos Forgot His Gauntlet At Home.

June 22, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Poor Thanos. He forgot his gauntlet at home again. “I swear I grabbed it before I left home. I bet it is still there lounging on the desk…right where it was last time.”

“There’s Doctor Strange! How will I defend myself? What will I do without my precious Infinity Stones? I am powerless without my gauntlet!”

“I’ll just give ’em the ol’ stinkeye. That oughta do it.”

MoronicArts Classics: Robbie Wonders Why “Nice Guys” Like Him Lose

June 7, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee drugstore clerk, Elvis impersonator and vulnerable narcadoodle Robbie Hurlbutt is feeling down because he cannot seem to get a date. Do you think he will ever figure out why?

Isn’t he a keeper? He thinks so.

Fan Mail: A Wee Too Obsessed

June 4, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Ennui struck this fangirl hard. After I had left a comment calling my social media acquaintance “a real ham,” this keyboard cockfighter slid this doozie into my inbox:

I copied-and-pasted the definitions for her (since the so-called journalist and radio announcer was too lazy to do it), but she kept on hunting and pecking anyway:

Is that a threat or a promise?

Instead of heading to bed – mind you it was 3:00 in the morning where she was at – she used my inbox as her toilet once again:

After blocking this bored orc, I reported her to Facebook (good luck) and to her employer. Though she claims to be a radio announcer, I did not see her listed on her alleged employer’s website aside the other presenters. Maybe she just calls them up and stalks them like that one girl who went to my high school.

I also sent copies of her obsessed fan-mail to my mutual acquaintances who work in the entertainment industry (the ones whose photos she tagged) as a heads up. Because, you know, gross.

Thanks for the love, Wing! You’re a real prize.

How to Get Twitter Spammers to Buzz Off

May 21, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

This Twittiot slid into Sybil’s inbox. Think of all the money she could have made should the spammer continued wasting her time!

Sybil’s Computer Gently Sleeps

May 12, 2023 ~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

What does the #computer of Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble do all while she is tucked into bed, the cords from her machines tangling in the night, not a caller nor manager in sight?