“Where did all the trolls go?” Gothic Diana Ross asked as she walked under the dark underpass in Kankakee, near Brandon’s Imbecile Machines in the Used Car District.
”Dude, they are taking a dump all over the Internet,” Gothic Mary quips and the Midnight Supremes giggle.
”Yeah, they crawled out from under the bridges and onto the Interwebs again,” Gothic Flo advises the girl group on the way to their gig, so excited to be busy, unlike the trolls whose home they just passed through.
A very short story about a vulnerable narcadoodle, Wally Green’s clerk, and Elvis impersonator from Kankakee named Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt.
Robbie will self-destruct in five seconds.
Thank you to blogger Molly Shea for the idea!
Broken News:
Kankakee County Wally Green’s clerk, vulnerable narcissist, and self-proclaimed Number One Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt is dancing his way all around the county! Bourbonnais, Manteno, Aroma Park — look out!
A new life awaits you in the Off-World Colony. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure! Sign up now at Nexus Employment Solutions — right in Manteno, Illinois!
Have you been wanting to create a pop tune but are too lazy to write music? Are you the type of person who goes for quantity over quality? Wally Green has the machine for you!
Pop music producers have been using it for awhile, but this is the first time they’re admitting it. Wally’s Music Machine is a tabletop electronic device, made by by Kankakee pharmacy owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green:
It randomly generates pop songs at the push of a button using Wally’s patented AI (Automated Insipidness). Try it!
Hear what Wally’s customers have to say:
“It’s as easy as pressing 1-2-3,” says a record producer for one of the Big 5 record labels, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Just power the device on, press ‘start’ and out comes a song.”
You can even create remixes using the device. “Just pop in a CD and it does all the work for you.” he adds. You can even add effects, using plug-ins like the overused Antares Auto-Tune, and built-in preset to crank it up higher than needed on purpose.
The record producer states that, because of it is so easy to use, producers of Top 40 pop songs use it. “You don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to run it; you don’t need have graduated 6th grade to make a pop song. It changed my life. Now I pay my girlfriend to wipe my bum for me..”
This reason, explains an executive for the RI Double A, is why so much pop music sounds alike.
“I may live all by myself in my ginormous mansion in Beverly Hills, surrounded by sacks of cash and a fridge fulla caviar. I may go for weekly high colonics. If the stations play these songs enough, kids will like it…no matter how terrible it is. If we can minimize the amount of time spent producing a record, we can increase our profits exponentially. That’s all we want, that’s all the label wants. Who cares about art or paying the artist? Cha-ching.”
Buy your Music Machine at a Wally Green’s on a corner near you. Or not.
It’s a sunny day in Kankakee and Sybil is out for a walk. Sybil is strolling to the beat of auto-tuned mumble-country in her earbuds, when she spots a green cloth sack with a dollar sign on it lying on the ground near the Last National Bank of Kankakee County.
“Hmmm, what should I do?” Sybil wonders for a moment.
“Should I go on a shopping spree, or take it home and shove it away in a drawer. I know! Shopping spree! I will pretend I am on Shop Till You Drop and go crazy with it! It’s my lucky day!” Sybil tells herself. She grabs the sack off the ground and heads home to her McMansion, gets in her Chrysler LeBaron and heads out.
Sybil pulls into the Bradley strip mall, which had contained the only Buckstars that ever went out of business in the history of the world. She walks into Miser & Co. Collectibles. “SALE! Three for the price of two (must buy three)” reads the storefront signage.
Sybil gets the biggest cart she can find and starts loading it up. “Oooh, fat free oil. I cannot get enough bottles of this.”
Sybil spies another item she supposedly cannot live without. “Dehydrated water. How keen. Must grow my collection.”
Sybil continues to add to her cart. “A seatbelt belt? I could rock one of those. Oh and what is this? A golden mustache earring? Hot dog!”
“Hey Sybil, m’lady, m’lady” says a nearby Damien Hurlbutt, looking over the store’s record collection with his younger brother Robbie.
“Oh, tell your mother I said hi.”
“Yup. Will do.” says Damien. A silent Robbie has his nose buried in the Elvis LPs.
“Almost time to check out, just need to get a few more ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ signs. They are buy one, get one half off, y’know?” Sybil thinks aloud.
“I know.” Damien says, because he thinks it is all about him.
Sybil heads to the checkout counter, her basket almost overflowing with useless crap. She waits in a long line to check out. As she approaches the clerk, reaches for her money sack.
“That will be $601.90.”
Sybil opens up her sack and pulls out the bills. However, they do not look right to her. They are smaller, thinner, and printed on different colored papers. Sybil’s frown stretches down, her face turns red from embarrassment.
“Ma’am, did you really think you could pay us with Monopoly money?” says the clerk.
Sybil faints. She had shopped until she dropped.
Kankakee’s very own pharmacy owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green loves to make green. Run your business into the black with his new wholesale buys!
FussPot
Do your customers poop too much? Make your customers think twice. Meet FussPot – the toilet that fusses over everything put in it! Wally’s FussPot only accepts up to four pieces of Wally’s special half-ply toilet paper. Failure to comply with the FussPot’s demands results in overflow errors.
Noise Machine
Do you want your customers to roar? Why spend money paying your minimum-wage staff to put something useful like paper towels in your washrooms, when you can install Wally’s Noise Machine instead? A V8 engine blows out way too much air, making all the noises while it sort-of dries customers’ hands if the stars align just right.
Meanwhile, the Noise Machine spreads their germs all over the place. Upgrade to Wally’s Deluxe Model powered by none other than a jet engine!
Lidiots
Do you own a coffee shop? Why go the extra mile stocking cup lids which actually stay on, when you can buy a cheap alternative? Try Wally’s patented Lidiots — the sippy-cup lid for adults!
Never buy a straw again. The hole on the side of the lid makes it harder for customers to put their straws in, and stay in, so you can hopefully go cheap by making your cafe patrons drink out the sippy-hole instead!
Watch as your coffeehouse customers rage when their favorite drink spills — since these cheap alternatives not only slop their five dollar lattes out the sippy-hole — but also slide off way more easily than our durable, slightly more expensive alternatives with holes in the middle of the lid. Buy one box, get one half off! (But never free)
Download Wally Green’s CrApp and submit your purchase orders now!
Thanos had to take a huge whizz at the café, peeing all over the seat and bathroom floor. Since Thanos thinks he is boss, he left without wiping or washing his hands, leaving the mess for someone else to clean. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you dribble when you piddle. Up and down or in the middle If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up.
Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green sits in his house developing a new interactive voice response (IVR) recording for callers to his store chain.
In Wally’s voice, callers to his pharmacies will have as much of their time wasted as possible trying to get through to a human.
No dial option, all callers must speak their request.
It will go a little something like this:
Please say in a few words what you are calling about.
“Sorry I did not catch that. Please say…”
“Come again? Please say in a few words what you are calling about. And be sure to take our brief 20 question survey when you are done with this call. Wally thanks you. By the way, he is single and looking.”
MoronicArts 
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