Tag: parody

Inferior Model Replicants

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Behold, the Tyrell Corporation’s inferior model Nexus replicants:

Nexus-1 was their Turd Burglar model. All he could do was steal turds out of unsuspecting people’s toilets.

Nexus-2 had the strength and agility of the Nexus-1, and more skills. However, he lacked focus and was very lazy, spending most of his time trying to pick up women and failing.

Nexus-3, lacked the empathy of previous model replicants. He was built to stay on task and had good focus. However, he gained too much weight from eating burgers and fries at the Los Angeles In-and-Out Burger joints and had to be be retired.

Damien Cannot Wait to See his Mother’s Face.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Bourbonnais neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt is buying his mother PJ one of those PeeATon bikes he saw on TV for Christmas. He wants her to lose weight. Isn’t he a real tenderheart?

Rock on!

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Oh my, Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt only wishes he could be one iota as good as these guys!

“You are what you eat”

— Rammstein

She’s A Mad, Mad, Woman

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Meet Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant, wife of CRASS Accounting Chief Konrad “Kon Man” Teirant and mother to his kids.

Madeline met Konrad while drafting up his real estate deeds to ensure no other multiplexes can come to Kankakee. Human Resources Manager and Chief of Security at a low income housing complex, Madeline has a reputation for verbally abusing tenants. The superintendent calls her his “biggest asset”, however the tenants call her other things. Madeline gets her reputation as Madwoman for calling tenants “childish little girls”, literally pointing her fingers and telling them to do their own maintenance.

Madeline loves Nora Roberts novels and spends her free time away from her husband and children, sitting at the local bookstore reading. However, she never spends a penny, putting them all back on the store shelves after she finishes the endings.

Wally Green Looks For Love in All The Wrong Places

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Barfly, pharmacy owner and wacky inventor Wally Green looks for the magnet to his steel in the want ads since no fine ladies are at the bar to hit on.

Doris Studies Scheming

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Doris Krabalsky is getting frustrated at the lack of interest in her pyramid schemes, despite her best attempt to convince strangers on the street that essential snake oils can cure all the ailments. She heads to a local cafe to read up on marketing tactics so she can hopefully become the bossbabe she wants to be when she grows up someday.

CRASS Community Events

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Kankakee County Events – Coming Soon!

Sponsored by Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS), LLC.

“We take from you, but we give back, too.”

  • Medicine Pronouncing Contest
  • School Bus Drag Racing
  • Licorice Eating Competition
  • Take Your Parents to Work Day
  • Frozen Microwaved Meal Cooking Contest
  • Stinkiest Cigarette Debate
  • Crotch Rocketeers and Imbecile Machinists Motor Club Meeting
  • Restaurant Music Review Club – This Month’s Topic: I want a headache. Where can I go to hear the loudest music?