“Oh not her again. She only calls when she wants something but never picks up when I need a friend.”
Sybil royal flushes her full house and returns LTL’s call.
“Hey my buddy Sybil Kibble! It’s been a busy-busy month with lots of running around to do, but I’m free today for just the next hour.” LTL begins to read off next month’s agenda until Sybil interrupts.
“But I’m not. I have business to take care of. Call me tomorrow.”
“Okay. But we didn’t hang out on Easter. I wanted you to come to church with me. JC’s the man!”
“I’m not free on Sundays anymore. How about I call you when I am free and we can take it from there?”
“Okay…but I only want to see you for a few minutes.”
“I will call YOU when I am free. Good night.”
The next day, LTL calls anyway — despite Sybil having expressed her wishes for her to wait, and gawd-forbid respect HER time — and she asks again if they can hang out.
“Are you mad at me? You haven’t answered my texts.”
“I’m busy. What’s up, are you OK, LTL?”
“Let’s visit.”
Worried about her friend, Sybil reluctantly gives in.
“I’m pretty tired but I can see you for a bit as long as you actually show up. When will you be down?”
“Get ready.”
“I will. How long will it be”
“Not long”
“Ball-park, one hour?”
“Oh less than that.”
The two disconnect and Sybil fixes up her face-frame, straightens out her black-and-white top and applies her makeup. The clock ticks. No sign from lazy LTL because she’s too busy farting around, so Sybil gets understandably fed up. Setting a boundary is hard but important, so Sybil makes it clear as daylight that she’s done waiting around:
“It’s been two hours and you said to get ready because you would be right down, but you never showed up. You live a half mile from me, if even that. I’m not waiting around on you anymore. I’m going to bed. Have a good weekend.”
Within ten minutes, someone relentlessly knocks on Sybil’s door while she is busy folding laundry in her bedroom, vertical blinds drawn to give her privacy from nosy neighborhood nitwits.
“Sybil!”
knock-knock-knock
“Sybil!”
knock-knock-knock
“Sybil!”
Ms. Kibble dons her headphones and cranks up the volume to the bird and squirrel videos her ma JK had sent her, literally drowning out the noise from the door-pounding and her phone being blown to bits by all the texts:
“I am here”
“I am by your door now”
“I cannot see you”
“I am already here”
“I saw you when you walked inside”
Time is money, yet LTL thinks only HERS matters. L drives home and texts Sybil “Good night.”
The following day, ennui’s calling but nobody’s home. LTL tries to call Sybil so she can make excuses, instead of apologizing because why do that? Only smart people take personal responsibility.
“I am pert near fed up with all the times L has done flaked out! You snooze, you lose.”
Sybil decides to gets inventive instead of even. She checks her itemized log to look up the number of hours LTL has wasted over the years and drafts up a bill, which she then mails to LTL’s house:
Needless to say, LTL fails to pony up, so Sybil sells LTL’s debt over to her debt collections farm Credit Recovery Associates so her team can hound her instead.
Psychic Vampyre Missy Rabbit is busy checking the emails sent to Scary Barry’s School of Mixed Moronic Arts in Albion, Indiana.
“Hey Barry. Elen is complaining that you’re not accommodating her in your classes. Something about a disability.”
“I. Don’t. Like. That.”
“What would you like me to do?”
“Just shoot her an email.”
“I’m not good at writing.”
“Use AI then. I can’t have another liability.”
Missy looks for AI programs on the internet. As she learns more, she is interrupted by a commercial, because of course!
New at your neighborhood corner Wally’s! Attach this Turd Gauge to your Turd Machines and Turd Machine Deluxe to count your turd supply. When your machine runs low on poopies, the ghost of a Chrysler LeBaron will tell you “more turds are needed” every 30 seconds.
Buy one, get one half off (butt never free)
Try our new Artificial Idiocracy (AI) program: Cat-GPT! Just let your cat walk over the keyboard and Cat-GPT will do the rest!
Missy Rabbit calls over to Wally Green’s after seeing his commercial on the internet. Of course, nobody answers the phone and she is sent into the on-hold abyss. Deciding not to wait, she contacts Pantherware after reading some examples on the company web site:
Want to discriminate against your employees while making it look like you care? Try Pat-GPT! Here are some example messages generated for our satisfied customers!
I’d like to confirm that, after reviewing the situation, the only other store we are able to offer at the moment is similar in size to the one you have previously worked. Therefore, transferring would not result in a smaller store.
You would, however, be very welcome to have a private conversation with me before joining, so that any concerns can be discussed and expectations set clearly for everyone in advance. We are more than happy to arrange this.
However, it is important for me to be clear about one point: your previous supervisor has already made adjustments that go beyond what is considered reasonable within business needs. Unfortunately, it is not possible to offer additional adjustments without significantly impacting profit and production.
If you would like to discuss anything further or explore alternative options, please feel free to get in touch. Regards, Wally Green
Thank you for your messages. I appreciate your honesty and the personal context you shared. I want to confirm that we have discussed the matter with Sybil Kibble and have had a conversation about the situation you raised.
We work in line with the terms and conditions of Credit Recovery Associates, which are available on our website. These terms emphasize the need to maintain a positive and safe working environment for everyone, ensuring fairness for the whole group as well as considering individual needs.
I fully understand that the personal situation you’ve described is very difficult, and I sympathize with the stress and uncertainty you’re experiencing. However, it’s important to be clear and fair: our company cannot provide the level of individual support you outlined—such as being taken aside during a personal crisis or being allowed to use the washroom outside of planned breaks. Collectors must maintain the flow of receivables and ensure the wellbeing of the whole company, and sometimes that means taking quick action, such as muting a microphone when needed, to keep the debtor on the phone.
We do our best to offer reasonable adjustments where practical, but we naturally have our limitations. As a result, this position may not offer the personal support or the direct, immediate intervention you are looking for. This would also be the case if we were to transfer you to another department.
I hope this explains the situation in a fair and honest way.
Missy downloads Pat-GPT and prompts it to barf up this email:
Thank you for your e-mails and I’m sorry to have missed your calls yesterday. I’m more than happy to talk to you over the phone, but I’m not sure what else I can do to help at the moment as I can only assist with general questions and unable to resolve this for you. I’m sure you can appreciate from Barry’s email, he has been apologetic and she is trying his utmost to find a positive outcome and to ensure your feelings are considered in order to move forward.
As previously mentioned, moving to a different course provider may prove difficult due to class numbers and availability. Joining a new class at this late stage may also cause you additional stress which we would want to avoid.
Postponing your learning for the rest of this term and start afresh with a different course provider in September may be the best option forward. If you were to do this, I do have to emphasize that the class structure would be pretty much be the same as what you experienced with Scary Barry’s School of Mixed MoronicArts – this decision will be entirely yours to consider. We be starting new classes at our Noble County dojo here in September.
Regards, Barry Reynolds Owner, Scary Barry’s School of Mixed MoronicArts Albion, Indiana 46701
Needless to say, the student isn’t happy. Elen files a discrimination complaint with the Indiana Education Bureau. She then makes a video complaint on Utube which goes viral, catching media attention.
Sybil Kibble also notices, since her name is on one of the messages she had never sent. She calls Wally Green to clarify, however her calls keep going to voicemail jail. Wally Green ignores his phone because he is busy singing crappy karaoke at the Manteno Optimal Club:
You can dookie in the morning You can dookie in the night You can dookie in the toilet You can dookie in the box
If you drop one in the toilet Then you gotta wipe your butt If you poopie in the cat box Then ya gotta scoop it up
Dookie, baby! Dookie, baby (Dookie! Dookie!)
Dookie, baby! Dookie, baby (Dookie! Dookie!)
Drop that deuce!
In walks Sybil Kibble.
“Wally, great job singing. Now what’s the deal with your AI slop program?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“No, not you? Someone has been using AI to send messages pretending to be me!”
Sybil displays the video on her phone to Wally.
“I sell Cat-GPT. That was Pat-GPT. Call Pat Splatt. Nevermind, I will call him myself since he had false personated me too!”
Wally calls Pat, who of course does not answer. He’s too busy taking a steamy bath with his pool toy friends.
A news van with Indiana tags pulls up to the Manteno Optimal Club.
“Hello, Kitty Bee news reporter here doing a story on education discrimination. May I have a word with you?”
“Hey Kitty. Why is my name on some crappy web site email thingy?”
“You tell me.”
“I didn’t write that email.”
“Neither did I!” exclaims Wally Green.
“Do you know how it got there?” Kitty asks.
“Ask Pat Splatt over at that Pantherware computer company down on Lois Street in Kankakee.”
Missy Rabbit is watching the news at her Albion, Indiana apartment.
“Hey! That’s me! I wrote that email! Then I went bowling last night and got a 69 in two games!”
Missy calls the news to tell them all about it, bowling game and all.
“Hey Mr. Jones, you have a sexy voice.”
‘Okay, Missy. Thank you for the tip.”
Missy rambles on as the newsroom staff writer hangs up the phone.
Within days, a new news story emerges at 10:00 PM:
MoronicArts 
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