“Mary” from Delhi, India called from a spoofed New York number to ask nosey medical questions.
Get a real job, “Mary.”
“Kevin” made me an offer I could certainly refuse, so why won’t he accept my coupons as payment? All he had to do was give me his address.
– Ask them if they’ve got beer.
– Start speaking in tongues.
– Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is their new number.
– Tell them that you’re not there right now.
– Ask them if they accept coupons.
– Start selling them something else.
– If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead.
– Start preaching your religion to them.
– Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
– Try to hypnotise the caller.
– Play a recording of a busy signal.
– Put on some really annoying music and put your phone up to the stereo.
– Ask the caller if they are single. Then try hitting on them. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
– Use a voice changer to disguise your voice.
– Rap all your replies to the caller’s questions.
– Ask the caller if they mind if you talk to them on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly. (If you’ve ever used this kind of ketchup, you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
– Speak in ragga chant.
– Try to rhyme with everything the caller says.
– Tell the caller that the person they are trying to reach is a victim of black magic and was turned into a poodle.
– Tell the caller that the person they are trying to reach has passed away, and that you’re the ghost of them.
– Sell them on the “value of high colonics”. Explain your “dedication to good health” in your most convincing, passionate voice.
See where this listicle was referenced by Kirk Cameron and his buddy Ray Comfort!