Paul Atreides Uses the Weirding Way to Break Fakebook

He who controls the spice, controls the Metaverse.

Close your eyes…

Imagine a debit card with a 69% introductory UFO on purchases (for complete pricking information and impotent terms and conditions, policing of services, delimiters, modifiers and values, please clink on the lick below) and a 30-second online alien abduction (subject yourself to verification).

Apply now at Wally Green’s for an Area 51 Visa credit card!

“You might never encounter an offer quite close to being this good!” — Wally Green, Founder of Wally Green’s drugstore, inventor of the Turd Machine Deluxe and invader of spaces.

Coming soon: Alien Abduction Insurance. It’s hot!

Latinum Power!

Win up to a million slips of Latinum, from these new scratchers brought to you by the Ferengi School of Business! Buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s!

“Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money”
– Ulis

Meets Ferengi Rules of Acquisition 1, 9, 10, 18, 23, 57, 75, 102, 229, 263.

Narc-a-doodle doo!

Perhaps the perfect gag gift for the narc in your life?

Scumlord Sonya Moran Learns the Rules of Acquisition.

After the recovering from the HUD investigation, malignant narc-a-doodle and attention-seeking fool Sonya starts to poop out a bunch more fake lease violations accusing her Manteno, Illinois residents of launching stinkoff from cat pee fair across their buildings and using their floors as washrooms, but this time typing them on a manual typewriter to hopefully evade more trouble from the feds. Sonya leaves her briefly office to whizz, comes back to see this helpful instruction notice taped to her door. 

Sonya crumples it up, checks her non-existent security cameras to find out who did it. Ooops. Sonya accidentally forgot to renew her security contract because she did not want to get caught on tape harassing her residents.

Furious, Sonya storms out her door to look for the person, only to see dozens of these same flyers wallpapered across the hall, and outside:

As the frenzied fool and Ferengi fan makes her way to her manager suite, she jumps up in panic to see that a dog had peed ALL OVER her fake violation notices after scattering them on the floor in front of her office (and probably digging his feet in them afterward to show off his hard work).

“Good boy!” she hears off in the distance, a voice too faint to recognise.

“Oh my stars! That dog highlighted every single one of my rule of living violation notices! What am I gonna do now? Those precious papers, my babies…”

Sonya breaks down, gets down on her knees and cries about the dog’s desecration of her factitious fault files.

Wanting a break from work and her usual carrion lunchmeat, the shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture takes flight to find the biggest fast food joint she can find.

She lands at a McDonald’s which is so large it takes up an entire Chicago block. Sonya shape-shifts into her humanoid form after having been previously yeeted from a Midwest business which does not allow animals.

Sonya chows down on her greasy burgers and fries, washes them down with a large pop. Wanting a stiff drink and a place to nest for the night, Sonya walks across the street:

“Hotel Ferengi and Bar, sounds like my kinda place!”

Sonya enters the bar and orders a Long Island Iced Tea.

“Sorry, all we got is root beer. I can get you a great deal on a hotel room!”

“Sign me up!”

Sonya scans the QR code and downloads a booking CrapApp. She books the fanciest room in the entire joint and heads to the counter to check in. She hands the clerk her ID, gives him the reservation number and a pint of blood.

“All set, all we need is 50 slips of Latinum.”

“I just pre-paid!”

“50 slips of Latinum, ma’am.”

“I don’t have it.”

“It’s our policy. We need to charge you or you won’t be able to stay here.”

“Who can I talk to about getting it waived?”

“I am the only manager here.”

Calling her bluff, Sonya asks who is above her to hopefully resolve this confusion.

“I have my manager on the phone.”

“Hi Quark. I pre-paid my room.”

“Yes, it’s our policy to charge every guest a 50 Latinum deposit fee.”

“I don’t have it. How do I pay if if I don’t have it?”

“It’s our policy. Pay it now or leave.”

“Do you accept Craptocoin?”

“Don’t accept her reservation,” Quark tells his employee.

Sonya flies out the door and across Chicago to find another hotel. 

Sonya walks into the Acne Hotel, upon suggestion of one of the other Poopy Groupies she called on her Smell Phone.

“Hi, I’d like to make a reservation for a one bedroom”

“Great. It’s $99.95 a night.”

“Awesome, here’s my card.”

The clerk swipes Mrs. Moran’s card and prints out her reservation. Sonya thinks about all the tenants she can’t wait to swindle again.

“Great. Before we give you the keys we just need 100 slips of Latinum.”

Sonya pauses and stares.

“Can’t you just accept a couple of candy bars or something?”

How Wally Green Learned to do Business

How did Deerfield-born, Kankakee County pharmacy-chain owner Wally Green become so rich? He learned from the very best, so says his mother.

A New Life Awaits You…In Manteno

A new life awaits you in the Off-World Colony. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure! Sign up now at Nexus Employment Solutions — right in Manteno, Illinois!

Wally Green’s New Self-Checkout

To save money on staffing, Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and barfly Wally Green installed the new HAL 9000 Grocery Scanners in his corner stores, designed by engineering students from the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana.

“Quantity needed…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”

Set It To Stun

It’s not a laser

It’s not a razor

It’s not a phaser

It’s not a taser

We don’t know what it is, but it’s coming soon to Wally Green’s.

“I want it! I want it!” — Kankakee sociopath and petty criminal Pat Splatt.