Tag: science fiction

Doug “D-Fail” Failure challenges Darth Vader.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Chickenheads rapper, disgraced former management consultant and wannabe Sith Lord Doug Failure, known by his stage name “D-Fail” calls Luke Skywalker into his office after having given out awards to all staff members except him, including ones who had who had missed their targets.

“Does your skin give off an odor?”

“What?”

“I’m telling you this as your friend. You stink. Don’t tell anyone we had this meeting.”

“What’s your problem?” Luke replies, confused.

“I know you’ve got thumbs on me. If you don’t like me, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until you meet MY BOSS!”

Luke just shakes his heads and walks out.

Narcadoodle-doo D-Fail has decided to run against Darth Vader to become the next Emperor of the Galaxy, convinced that he will win without a shred of a doubt.

“Vote for me, the onus is on you” quoth his campaign slogan; book, chapter and verse.

“And buy our new Chickenheads album “All About Us!” containing these sick tracks!”

Doug reads off his the names of his eight home-made mumble-rap tunes:

Hooray For Superficiality!
The Chicken Dance (Farmer Hurlbutt’s Extra Clucks Remix)
Let’s Do Something (Other Than Make Love)
Things That Make You Go Ppppphphppppplttttt!
Let’s All Go (To Sleep)
6 Degrees and Rising (Hell Freezes Over Mix)
I’m In Hate With You
We’re Poor & We Don’t Score (Every Hoop We Shoot Is A Whiff) Feat. Roe-Mello Fowler
The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Mix)
The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Low-Pass Mix)

Mr. Failure then chants…err…mumbles his war cry, from his new album he performed with his buddy Tyrell “Ty-Fowl” Fowler:

“We’re poor, we’re poor and we don’t score.
We’re poor, we’re poor and we don’t score.
Every hoop we shoot is a whiff!
Every shot we make is a miss…”

“Free tickets for our Galaxy-wide tour for everyone who votes for me!”

Hoping to win the Galaxy over by getting them to feel sorry for him via his rap campaign, little does Lil Dougie Failure know that the very employee he had been scapegoating has some important connections to his challenger…not to mention that his rapping sucks.

Violated.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Hear this story here:

Part 1: https://moronicarts.com/2024/11/24/get-lost-sonya/

“Hey Sonya, we’re having you for supper! Come with us!” Area 51 Prinicpal Instigator and Pain Tolerance Department Manager Dr. Jen Jenner tells the shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and malignant narcadoodle Sonya Marie Smith Moran, who has been pecking back and forth with her cellmate, narc of the communal kind Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt.

“Hot Dawg!”

“No wieners or winners, just you for supper. Sonya, your hair is a rat’s nest. Violation! Clean your cage, there are bird turds everywhere, even in your water dish! Violation!”

“What? MY cage? YOU put me here!”


“Yes, this is your home now and you’re coming with us!”

“Knock it off!” Sonya says to the raptor-captors at Area 51.

“We can smell your bum-waste clear cross the High Desert. Violation! You freeloaders trash this place that your tax dollars pay for! Violation! Cha-cha-cha. Violation! Cha-cha-cha.” the guards scold the Midwestern scumlord and malignant narcissist as they read from the Code of Federal Regulations.

Sonya hisses at the guards surrounding Dr. Jenner, flaps her wings, taking a defensive stand.

“Violation! Haha. Alright, imma carve this turkey!”

The guards rush toward Ms. Moran, with chainsaw in tow, and yank the caged lady from her cell.

“Oh yum. I can’t wait for turkey dinner. I’ve had nothing but corn and corn-derivatives since I got here two years ago,” says her cellmate and fellow narcadoodle Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt, as he rubs his hands together. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh b–“
“I’m a dang vulture, not a turkey, you stupid neckbeard!” Sonya screams as she gets hauled away to a deep, dark crevice hidden within the bowels of the dry lake known as Groom.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tribbles: The More They Eat, The More They Poop.

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

“Oh no! Darned Tribbles, they’re pooping everywhere!” Commissioner Ferrris complains at Captain Kirk.

Mr. Spock fetches a bag from a USS Enterprise supply compartment, holds it up, gives Mr. Ferrris a solution:

“Captain’s Log, Tribble Litter. Put this in a box. It will work. Vulcan’s honor!”

Sonya Goes to Market

~ Jen ~ 7 Comments

Part 1: https://moronicarts.com/2024/11/24/get-lost-sonya/

Part 2: https://moronicarts.com/2024/12/21/violated/

“What we’re about to do with you, Sonya, is take that farm-to-table approach.” Dr. Jen Jenner explains to her shackled subject, multi-millionaire malignant-narcadoodle landlord, Sonya Marie Smith Moran.

“WAT?” Sonya squawks.

“Restrain that chick!” The good doctor orders the Security Treatment Aides of Area 51.

“Are you sure that thing is safe to eat?” Jen’s assistant Sam asks.

“I’ll call in an expert. I have a buddy of mine on another planet.”

The wall-to-wall screen displays a conference call window. 

“Call Quark.” Dr. Jenner dictates into her Communicator unit.

The Ferengi overlord’s face flashes upon the screen. Sonya freezes in fear.

“You’re—you’re—“

“This is the dumbest acquisition you ever made. Where did you get that thing, and why? There is no profit to be made in shape-shifting humanoid turkey vultures! How did your boss sign off on that Purchase Request and Commitment? And why? What was the bona fide need?” Quark explains to the genius Dr. Jen Jenner who speaks 777 languages. 

“Quark, you’re my idol! I learned everything I know about business from YOU! Why don’t you speak to ME? Communicate with ME! I love you! Will you marry me?”

The Ferengi leader gives the fluttering feathered fool the evil eye.

“Don’t you speak English? I thought they spoke it on every planet!” the xenophobic turd complains to the foreign friend of the Area known as 51.

“Self-reflection is scary, but necessary.”

“What did he say?” Sonya asks the crew.

“He says he doesn’t like you. Get over it.”

Sonya’s cold, bleak heart fails instantly; the sheer pain of her crush’s rejection sends her beak straight into to the concrete floor, creating a small crack from the impact. Then she poops.

The doors bust open.

“Vitals!”

“Time of death 7:30 AM.”

“Oops, nevermind.” 

The technician leaves the room to go wake up someone else.

“We got a stiff! What are we gonna do with this thing?”

“I dunno, get it outta here, bury it somewhere in Indiana.” Dr. Jen Jenner shrugs slightly and moves onto her next task. Life is good.

THE END

Do Androids Drop Their Electric Phones?

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

C’mon Deckard, I ain’t waitin’ around for ya all night. This is LA after all.

BZZZZZZ!

Time to die! Nothing like having an ITCH you can never SCRATCH!

What? Mother’s Day Card? Youtube, lemme tell you about my mother…

How Wally Green Learned to do Business

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

How did Deerfield-born, Kankakee County pharmacy-chain owner Wally Green become so rich? He learned from the very best, so says his mother.

A New Life Awaits You…In Manteno

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

A new life awaits you in the Off-World Colony. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure! Sign up now at Nexus Employment Solutions — right in Manteno, Illinois!

Wally Green’s New Self-Checkout

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

To save money on staffing, Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and barfly Wally Green installed the new HAL 9000 Grocery Scanners in his corner stores, designed by engineering students from the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana.

“Quantity needed…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”