MoronicArts Classics: Smokey Gets Smoked

“Man, I am bored.” Smokey says aloud as she smokes in bed. Smokey has been an unhappy lot, unemployed from her CRASS debt collecting job. Smokey hears a loud pound on the door. She has been expecting a package, so she answers.

“Kankakee County Sherriff. Is this Mrs. Ashe?”

“Yes. Who dis?”

“I am here to serve you with this eviction notice. I need you to sign—“

“Eviction? Why am I being evicted?”

“Ma’am, I am only here to provide document service. I need you to direct questions to your landlord. Sign here please.”

“I aint signin’ nuttin’!” Smokey screams.”

“Then I will have to report you to the Kankakee County Judge who may issue a bench warrant for your court appearance. Make it easy, sign that you got the papers and we can avoid all that.”

“Fine.” Smokey grabs the papers and scrawls a barely legible signature.

Smokey and the officer part ways.

Smokey is furious and at the same time feeling terrified she will be forever homeless. She has not been able to find a job because nobody wants to hire her.

Smokey calls her landlord and they do not answer. Smokey opens up the packet left for her:

“Your building is being condemned by the Kankakee County Codes Department due to the entire nonsmoking facility having been permanently tainted with cigarette smoke. One resident has been smoking in her unit, despite multiple warnings and it has made several residents severely ill. Please contact Kankakee County Department of Social Services if you need assistance with housing placement.”

“So now I am homeless, just because they decided to close the entire building? Why they do that to me? Them fools, kicking me out. Now I am going to be homeless. They have no sympathy for me at all,” Smokey says to herself.

Smokey puts out her butt and drives down to Wally Mart. It is July 4th and it is one of the few stores open on Independence Day.

“Ma’am, smoking is not allowed in the store.” Smokey gives the clerk a dirty look and walks out, leaving her cart full of merchandise behind for someone else to deal with.

Smokey spies a small structure off in the distance.

“What is this? Smoke Shack? I need to check this out.” Smokey says to herself.

Smokey heads to the white tent, decked out in signs marked “TNT”, “M80s” and “Roman Candles”.

Moments later, all of Kankakee lights up up in colors of red, white and blue. The glow can be seen for miles, making children and kids of heart grin from ear to ear, from the loud pops and sizzles.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

But who will clean up the chunks?

Sybil Joins The Gym

A Kankakee bill-collector who eats dog bones on her breaks, Sybil Kibble wants to meet some attractive men after work, so she decides to join the local gym.

Sybil sees a sign for a free, week-long membership for new members and immediately sashays in to sign up. 

After giving away her address, mobile number, credit card number, work history, email address, and blood type, Sybil is ready to go work out.

After attending a mandatory lifting instruction class, a separate machine-cleaning class, as well as rules and regulations class, Sybil heads out to the gym floor to get moving.

Sybil lifts as few arm weights, stretches her body and takes a break. She immediately eyes a tall, built gentleman across from her, with towel to his forehead, and a grimace on his face. He resembles Thanos, minus the body armor and the funky chin.

“Hey there! I’m Sybil. I just joined. Could I towel you off?” Sybil asks him.

The man looks over to Sybil and looks away.

“I like dog food. I got the hookup should you every want some.” Sybil says.

The man’s eyes immediately dart over to Sybil.

“You got to be kidding,” the guy says.

“For real? You into it too?” Sybil asks excitedly, as she rubs her hands together. “I got the hookup.”

“Let’s blow this joint and get outta here” the man says, as he throws down his towel. The both pack up their gym bags and head out together without even bothering to shower.

Sybil gets into the guy’s imbecile machine, an overly lifted white truck, covered in vulgar decals and fitted with extra-large wheels. As the pair drives by a local bar, where a band is playing, the guy blasts his obnoxious metal music extra loudly to drown out the band so people cannot hear them. Sybil is impressed.

The two pull into the driveway at Sybil’s McMansion. They walk in.

“So I hear you like dog food?” the guy asks. 

“Yeah, I have Doggonit Dog Chow, I have several bags. I also have lots of treats. It’s all I eat!” Sybil exclaims.

A immediate look of despair comes over the guy as he puts his hand over his face. “You don’t have any H?”

“What’s that?” asks Sybil.

“Nothing at all?” the guy asks.

“I have plenty of dog kibble, treats, all the good stuff.”

“ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!” the man screams as he stomps out the door, rushes into his imbecile machine and peels out of Sybil’s driveway never to be seen.

“What the heck happened?” Sybil says to herself as she wonders how she is going to get her car back from the gym. 

MoronicArts Classics: Robbie Wonders Why “Nice Guys” Like Him Lose

Kankakee drugstore clerk, Elvis impersonator and vulnerable narcadoodle Robbie Hurlbutt is feeling down because he cannot seem to get a date. Do you think he will ever figure out why?

Isn’t he a keeper? He thinks so.

MHA – Moronic Half Assets

Join Kankakee’s newest Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets, across the USA! Kankakee theatre owner and comedian Konrad Teirant joins his dumpster-clown wife, Madeline, in Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt’s clownmobile as they tour the country! See them before they leave their stop in Utica, New York!

MHA’s 2024 tour dates:

Champaign, IL: February 30

Kankakee, IL: February 31

Gary, IN: April 31

Toledo, OH: June 31

Utica, NY: September 31

MoronicArts Classics: Damien’s Missed Connections Ad

Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt really wants to reconnect with a m’lady he saw in a Kroger grocery store. Do you think she will respond? He fudged his age a bit, typical con job. Maybe she will come into Teirant-13 Cinemas so he can catch a whiff. Maybe.

Source:

On the Corner of Wally and Green Streets

Owned by Kankakee barfly and inventor of useless crap Mr. Walter Augustine Green, these Illinois stores are best known for the overstaffing of their sales floors and the understaffing of their pharmacies. Find Wally’s wacky wares in a store near you!

Imbecile Tractor

Coming soon to Brandon’s Imbecile Machines:

Imbecile Tractors!

Brandon Dixon wants to add a lawn and garden division to his Imbecile Machine shop in Kankakee. What do you think?

(photo from https://www.wideopencountry.com/30-tricked-tractors-defy-practicality/)

MoronicArts Classics: Rachel Shelley is a Sketchy Character

Two-timing Rachel Shelley came over from Detroit to meet her OKStupid lover, Damien Hurlbutt, only to cheat on him with Kankakee heroin addict and useless hoser Leon Peeonne.

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Cinema clerk, neckbeard, and communal narcissist Damien continues to leave “M’lady” messages from his flip phone.  He thinks he is going to win because he is such a “tenderheart” and “an old soul.”

Teirant Cinema-13’s Newest Flick

“I’ll give ya a free ticket if you come watch it with me, M’lady…” Damien Hurlbutt would say with a tip of his fedora, before he got canned.

MoronicArts Classics: Damien Goes Postal

“It’s hotter than a boiled owl!” Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt thinks aloud, as he heads down the stairs to get his mail. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I got my postcards off CBay. I bought over 200 from this guy, one at a time. What a great seller! I can’t wait to impress my friends with these! All these favors I do, oh boy, oh boy, they will get a SURPRISE!”

A lady across the way gives Damien the side eye.

Damien logs onto his personal computer, setting atop a wooden folding table. He tries to log onto his alternate Fakebook account, purposely created to stalk his ex-wife Lori and her friends, who divorced him because he abused her.

“Oh man, I cannot get on. What is this about getting reported again for violating the terms of service? I did nothing wrong. I am just a nice guy who has no rights. What about us men?” Damien types into the box in response to Fakebook’s “How did we do?” questionnare.

A few minutes pass. “Ding!”

Damien awakes from a deep sleep, all his loud snoring ceases.

Damien jumps up to log onto his computer.

“Hehhhhhhhh…” Damien sighs.

“We have permanently disabled this account due to multiple third-party complaints. Do not attempt to log in again.

— The Fakebook Team.”

“Now this account is crumped. I know! I will just make a new one! That will show them. Hmpf.”

Damien clears his browser’s history, cookies, cache and then reboots his machine. He reloads Fakebook and tries to create a new account under a diffent name so he can continue to harass his ex-wife, because he clearly has nothing better to do with his time.

“We are sorry, Damien. Maybe you should go out sometime and get a life. Do something productive. Get off the internet. We are closing both your accounts due to impersonation.

— The Fakebook Team”

“Those damnedable Fakebook people! They really put poop in my soup! Both my accounts are clunked over! I wish I could zogg over there and give that clump of people a piece of my mind!”

Damien goes into the bathroom, takes a huge crap, does not wipe and heads straight for the shower. He does not believe in wiping. After he gets out, he runs out the bathroom door, leaving a lake of water on the floor in his wake to get a towel.

As Damien dries himself, he shakes off like a dog, getting water all over the living room carpet. He gets an idea.

Damien dries his hair and then his manhood with the blowdryer.

Damien gets out his box of 200 postcards and sits down, looking a lot like Homer Simpson in his tighty-whities. He scrawls away into the night.

Weeks go by and Damien wonders why he has not heard back. Damien turns on the television, as he has not been able to log onto Fakebook:

“Breaking news: Alabama lawmakers stalked by a mysterious Bourbonnais man. Over 200 postcards containing crude drawings were sent to Alabama politicians opposed to women’s reproductive rights. According to reports, some of the content contained references to so-called ‘MRAs’ or ‘Men’s Rights Activists’, a reactionary group known for their anti-feminist views. Some of the content could not be shown on TV. We will print his address for our viewers’ protection. Back to you.”

Damien gasps, gulping down six antacids to purposely constipate himself because he does not like pooping around people. He craps his pants anyway.