Tag: short story

Damien’s Damsel in Duress

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Neckbeard narcadoodle of the communal kind, and captured test subject at Area 51, Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt recites a poem in his bedhead hoping to summon the woman of his dreams:

Now I lay down in my cage

I seek M’lady around my age

Someone who really loves nice guys

And does not care I wear a disguise.

To M’lady, madame,

this

old soul

tips his hat,

‘Cos chivalry is where

It’s really at.

I really want to smell your feet,

Stinky soles make my heart beat.

If I cry before I wake,

It’s just my butt about to quake.

So I say to my lady oh so fair,

Let me ask, R U Out There?

“No, I’m in here!” Sonya-Daemon screams, having shapeshifted slightly, before skitting away.

“Now Satan, don’t send me on that job again. I only went because forced me! I’d rather rake the coals of Hell than deal with that creep!”

“Calm down, Sonya. You’re going to be down here awhile.”

Now playing: tales of the Moroniverse (but you can hear them):

Collector Gone Wild!

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Kankakee supervisor, LeBaron driver and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble loves bills so much, she collects them. She has collected so many over the years at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) she was eventually promoted to team leader. Sybil is also the undisputed CRASS champion of the company’s annual Medication Pronunciation Competition, having won it every year since she started.

Holiday Cheer from the Moroniverse!

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Kankakee bill collector and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble hopes you LiveLaughLove your holiday season and that Santa throws her a bone…preferably a milk bone.

Wally Green’s Drugstore “Improvements”

~ Jen ~ 5 Comments

Deerfield-born ladies’ man, drugstore owner and wacky inventor Wally Green wants all his customers to know he cares. After partnering with corrupted contractor Terry Reynolds of Albion, Indiana, he is doing some “CONSTRUTION” to renovate his stores.

FART CARTS

These shopping carts play the brown note when you get within 10 feet of the store’s door, making you crap your pants to punish you for not putting the cart away

404 COUPONS NOT FOUND 

These 404 page coupon booklets are designed with only some pages numbered, confusing Wally’s customers on purpose because Wally hopes they will give up and die trying before finding their coupon of choice. 

CLICKETY-CLAPPETY INTERCOM MUSIC

Do you like hearing the same 15-second piano loop every time you call Wally Green’s pharmacy? Wally partnered with the same firm who produced every single commercial that ran on television for the past three years to create 30-second loops using only finger snaps, hand-claps and “boom” sounds…the latter lifted from the Queen song “We Will Rock You.” It is the only music more repetitive than that of pop singer John Mayer. Marshall Stacks will be installed outside every store to make sure his neighbors hear it too.

TRAP DOOR CHILD SEATS

In an effort to save the almighty dollar, Wally Green’s is ceasing to repair the child-seat straps in their carts. At random, your coffee, purse or child will get trapped in the cart, or maybe even your fingers! We promise to keep delivering our buy one, get one half off (but never free) sales, and cutting expenses at all costs enables us to keep offering these sales to our beloved customers!

Becca Frickfrick is gone in 60 seconds.

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Ennui fills the mind of Kleptomaniac Rebecca “Becca” Frickfrick as she foams at the mouth craving the next thing to rip off. After failed attempts to steal lawn ornaments, she’s now a free bird roaming the Moroniverse.

Kankakee bill collector and dog-food enthusiast Sybil Kibble is busy taking supervisor calls and reviewing debtor files at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS).

“I need a calculator, Miss Sybil” collector Pamela Frickfrick asks her boss.

Sybil opens up a couple drawers from the supply cabinet.

“You have your choice of this silver solar-powered one one or this green one with extra large numbers.”

“Nope, I need a graphing calculator.”

“For what?”

“My math homework.”

Before Sybil could shake her head, she spies Pamela’s twin sister Becca Frickfrick across the way knocking down company flyers, raiding the fridge and scratching her butt in the lunchroom.

“Oh heck no. Not my dog chow!” Sybil exclaims.

“Becca, go home for the rest of the week.”

“But I need the money!”

“Just go home and shut up.”

Sybil Kibble is busy loading groceries into her Chrysler LeBaron at the Schmucks Supermarket parking lot. As Sybil turns her back, Becca Frickfrick helps herself to random things from Sybil’s shopping cart.

“What are you doing?” Sybil asks.

“This is mine, this is mine, this is mine too…”

With one hand, Sybil swings the swiped staples back into her possession.

“Do you know who I am?” Becca stupidly asks her boss.

“An idiot. Now go home.”

Sybil climbs into her passenger seat to finish putting the grocery sacks into the talking car. Mrs. Frickfrick opens the driver’s side door, swipes the keys out of Sybil’s left coat-pocket, and begins to steal her car. Ten feet and one turn later, Miss Kibble successfully wrestles the grabbity hands off the stealing wheel, puts her car into park and shoves the thief onto the pavement.

“You can’t do this to me! I started this town! I AM KANKAKEE!” Becca cries out.

“You’re fired.”

“Eeeeeeeeeee!” Becca lets out a perfect high C like a teeny baby, cries in the pouring rain as Sybil drives home.

Back at work, it’s Friday and Sybil can’t wait for the weekend. Neither can the rest of the CRASS staff.

Collector Mary Grr walks up to Sybil’s supervisor cubicle.

“Where did all headset foamies go? I went to buy some out of the vending machine and it was empty!”

“I’ll look into it,” Sybil assures her.

Fellow collector Dale Davis beeps his watch repeatedly while marching in place to the tune of his last call.

“Gates are closed everybody!” Operations Manager Mikey Phillips announces.

The entire call center cheers and logs off their collective workstations.

A couple of staff embers make a beeline for the washroom while others make their ways to the break-room, only to discover a certain Becca Frickfrick emptying the vending machines after she had jury-rigged them to give her free stuff.

“You know, there’s a better way to do that…” Dale deadpans.

“If these things all fall out, I get to keep them, right?”

Sybil Kibble grabs Rebecca by the ear, lifts her up and and hoists her out the window.

“YEEEET!”

Sybil waves at the former CRASS collector and laughs.

“How did she even get in here?” Dale asks.

“We have no security here at CRASS because our wonderful owner Mack. E Avelli fired our guards during COVID, to save money of course.”

“Of…course.” Dale agrees with his superior as Mack is in the back counting up this week’s profits.

Seasons Yeetings!

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Entramanure and communal narcadoodle Bernadette Cacca loves doing charity gigs just to look good on the outside. Gothic Diana Ross & the Midnight Supremes can not wait to try out their new trebuchet to avenge their Manteno neighbor Bernadette for relentlessly nagging them and stinking up the block burning port-a-poopies.

Yeet-o-Matic!

Ahhhh…Coffee.

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments
Image: black-and-white cartoon showing an older lady sitting next to a middle-aged blond woman relaxing at a bookstore-cafe.

Sybil Kibble and her ma JoAnn take a meditation class at their local Buckstars in Bourbonnais at the annual Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) work ReTreat offered to combat stress from calling to interrupt lunches and suppers of unsuspecting debtors, by asking them to repay dubious bills.

Do you like coffee? How do you take yours?

MoronicArts Classics: Sybil’s Spit Machine, Bees & Lawnmower-Race Woes

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Kankakee bill-collector and dog-chow diner Sybil Katrina Kibble had left her lawn sprinkler spit-spit-spitting, too lazy to care about water conservation, while she drove her Chrysler LeBaron all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit-down lawnmower right before the race. Sybil insisted on winning the Annual Lawnmower Race.

Sadly, silly-billy Sybil lost the lawnmower race because she was too loopy from inhaling helium.

Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back home to Kankakee. However, she could not fly because she was too scared. This idea never got off the ground.

Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine went awry, flooding her entire lawn and that of neighbor Kitty Bee’s too!

Adding insult to injury, Sybil then she got chased by a swarm of angry kitties and bees! Poor Sybil.

She then left compete in Fire Truck racing with her Ma JoAnn! Ooh, what fun!!!

404: Dog Food Not Found

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Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble loves the taste of dog food so much, she eats it on her breaks and for supper.

Because of the shipping delays, Sybil cannot find her beloved Alpo online to buy.

Frustrated with repeated bouts with the Spinning Cheerio of Death, she opts for Brand X instead, reluctantly.

“You Burnt Your Kitchen?”

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In this corner: The Manteno Wonder, Communal Narcadoodle and Portapotty Entamanure Bernadette Cacca! In the other corner: a useless real-estate scammer! It’s a battle of nitwits to try and waste each others’ time!

Backside: When communal #narc and #Manteno Optimal Club president #Bernadette Moran Cacca graduated high school she wanted to be a wrestler. When her wrestling career as the Manteno Wonder failed, she joined the army. She kept getting put on poop burning duty and got a dishonorable discharge…from her butt.

Bernadette was in such a hurry to become a regular that she tried to run over one of the regulars at the coffeehouse. She wanted to get the runs. Gotta mine that #craptocoin and N.F.T.s: newly-formed turds for her charity singing and kazoo playing which she does only for the photo opportunity. Looks are deceiving because she makes a good dog-and-pony poop show pretending she cares. She only loves poop.

#PoopingForBernadette