Five out of three MAGAts recommend Wally Green’s new Ear Duds!
Try the blind-boxed special: Will one Ear Dud continually plop out your ear, or the other? Will the sound quit altogether? Will the Cord From Hell (CFH) get caught up on a doorknob and strangle you?
Buy one, get one Ear Dud half off (but never free) at your neighborhood corner Wally Green’s!
Try the Turd Machine Deluxe, now with larger crapacity! Add your favorite flavors: Sodium phosphate, monosodium glutamate and formaldehyde! Gift your loved ones the life hack that shoots your turds out back!
Midwestern housewife Scary Terry Steinke Reynolds has made a new TokTiks account to hopefully earn extra dough while otherwise sitting at home. Meanwhile her fallen-from-grace college president and former road test proctor husband Scary Barry runs his school of Mixed Moronic Arts. Between instructing Albion, Indiana folks howon the important practices of scythe fencing and psychic self-defense, Barry keeps an eye on his wife, who just ripped a big one.
“No I didn’t!” Barry comments, letting Terry’s followers that he’s at work in the comments section. “By the way, we’re running a special on defensive pooping class. Come join me on my live demo now! It’s free!”
“What’s that noise? It sounds like a dying cow,” Manteno’s very own bog witch, communal narcadoodle and port-o-dump empress Bernadette Moran Cacca shouts at the voice sabotaging her recital practice:
“You’ve been out there and tried to mix with the animals. Then you meet me. And your whole world changes.”
“You wanna know why?”
“Cuz I’m a liar! Yeah I’m a liar! I’ll tear your mind out. I’ll burn your soul. I’ll turn you into me! I’ll turn you–“
“Just give me one more chance, I will never lie to you again…Hahahahahahah. Sucker!” shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture and narcadoodle of the self-righteous kind Carla Moran continues to hiss at her daughter Bernadette, who runs upstairs to her washroom and starts playing accordion show-tunes again.
Sixty-five year old Kankakee bill collector and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble wants an even thinner body than she already has, so she calls to order some supposed suppositories, so she thinks.
Sybil asks the customer care rep lots of questions, happy to be on the other side of the headset for a change.
“Do I take the blue pill or the yellow pill? Can I get my package marked? Can I take them with dog bones or do I have to have an empty stomach? Do they make them in blueberry? Lemon? How do these pills work, do they go from my butt to my mouth or the other way around?”
Then she orders a skid.
“Just don’t take the red pill,” JoAnn Kibble advises her daughter Sybil after she hangs up.
Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vultures like Carla and Sonya Moran spend way too much time ruffling feathers and pecking at people. They also poop wherever they want. 0/10 would not pet.
Scary Barry Reynolds gets fired from his job as a road-test proctor for the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, and starts his own college called “Dr. Mathew B. Johnson School of Intrepid Arts” in Albion, Indiana, teaching martial arts and telekinesis, a school he named after his favorite academic leader and best friend.
Gothic Diana Ross gives her TV the side-eye
“Become as powerful as the Dragonball Y characters you see on TV! Develop your real life martial-arts skills, and when you get to your senior year, you’ll become a PSI-ball master!”
“Not this ad again…” Gothic Diana Ross says across the Indiana border in Manteno, Illinois at the slate Victorian home where she and her bandmates reside. “Who wants to go to Indiana anyway?”
“Indiana wants us, but we can’t go back there.” Gothic Flo retorts and The Midnight Supremes all giggle.
Classes begin at the School of Intrepid Arts in Albion. Students practice basic self-defense, mixed martial arts and fencing.
“A new life awaits you at the School of Intrepid Arts” a flashing, talking blimp advertises as it flies over Northern Indiana and Illinois, spending a rather long time over Chicago, until someone begins to fire at it.
“Pop! Pop!” is heard as the floating advertisement-machine is gunned down somewhere on the Southside.
A scholar gets harassed in his dorm, racial remarks litter his marker board. One moron, Pat Splatt, writes “KKK” on an empty pizza box and drops it outside his dorm room.
Protests are held by multiple school groups which make the local news.
Barry and Terry Reynolds respond to the media from the comfort of their own home.
“I will answer that later. Come back.” President Reynolds tells the news, and does not return their calls.
The scholar tries to learn to make “PSI Balls” on the internet and learns that it is fake. Meanwhile President Reynolds uses school money to pay for pet construction projects so he can hire his wife Terry’s company to do all the work.
Barry and Terry make the classes so hard, it is impossible to pass. Barry and Terry love seeing the disappointed faces of aspiring martial-arts students receive their report cards littered with Fs.
President Barry Reynolds sends out a memo to his wife Terry using negative humor, snarking she should bulldoze “trash and idiots who live on minimum wage.” Barry accidentally copies the entire college on the email.
Oopsie!
Students start creating memes and Fakebook groups. President Barry reports them to Fakebook owner Emperor Zucc who shuts them all down.
Students take to the news to expose the corruption.
The scholar is interviewed, and talks about his brother — also a student — who died when trying to defend a bully using “PSI Balls.”
“If President Reynolds wants to create chaos and censor those who rise up against his regime, then maybe he should move to North Korea. I bet he would feel right at home.”
Barry and Terry visit Bern Cacca bathing in the bog near Manteno, Illinois, for public-relations advice hoping to clean up their image, since Bern is so good at maintaining her squeaky clean image while doing dirty those closest to her. Oh, and she burns poopies.
Bern Cacca bathes in the bog
“Bern Cacca? We have an important message. We need your help.”
Bog Witch Bern keeps on swimming.
“Bern? We have something to tell you.”
Bern continues to ignore the looming Terry and Barry.
“Bern? We want to know how you keep your image so clean while you do others dirty.”
“Can’t you see I am taking a bath?” an angered Bern yells back, hoping to be left alone.
“Oh you are so…RUDE!” Terry snarks at Bern.
“I am busy. Go away.”
“God hates ugly people! I am calling the manager!” Terry says out of desperation and fear.
“I am the manager.” Bern replies as she shoos away Terry and Barry.
“I wish my hearing aids were broken.” Peppi Cacca says to his wife Bern and the Reynolds couple leaves.
The Indiana Attorney General investigates and shuts the school down, and the story makes television headlines.
“Oh good, we no longer have to see those annoying ads.” Gothic Flo says to Gothic Diana and then turns off her TV.
Press your buttons and land on one of these great prizes. But don’t land on Lizzie Borden, she’ll put an axe to all your winnings!
Coming November 31st to The Manteno Optimal Club
Let us hear, hear from our donors!
“I donated a whole buttload of freshly mined craptocoins because I’m so generous like that! I even designed the game board! You can win a date with yours truly, also! Free admission, with just a two drink minimum. Tip generously or I’ll shove the gratuities jar in your face!” — Bernadette M. Cacca, owner of Peppi’s Portapotties and (very) part-time actor.
“I donated this trip to Gary, Indiana to let everyone know that was where my dear boy Robbie was conceived!” — PJ Hurlbutt, retiree
“Ma, shut the heck up!” — Robbie Hurlbutt, clerk at Wally Green’s
Ennui fills the home of the bill collector and and banjo player for The Haggs, Becca Frickfrick.
Since her twin sister Pamela got arrested for leaving her young grandkids alone to go out stealing lawn ornaments, the desire to seek get revenge has boiled over. Instead of, you know, getting a hobby, Becca chooses to bother people instead.
“It’s all them kids fault. They never work, they sit around on their phones and they broke our Frickfrick towers that we made ourselves from their LEGOs! Dang kids don’t respect their elders. Imma gon’ done teach them pert near a lesson!”
“Ma’am, this is a Buckstars.”
Becca seats herself while waiting for her pumpkin spice latte, and starts talking at Wally Green who is busy dumbing down his newest Artificial Stupidity Robot.
“I hear that Gothic Diana Ross has been stealing lawn ornaments. I’ve been doing an investigation. You know what that is right?”
Wally continues tuning out Becca, searching for the perfect computer voice, so it can to answer his pharmacy chain’s calls instead of paying humans to do it.
“Hello! Hello! Can you hear me?”
Desperate for attention, Mrs. Frickfrick takes her index finger to Wally Green and repeatedly pokes him in the back until he looks up.
“Oh hey lady, why don’t you smile more? I’m Wally, and very single by the way. Did you know our family almost inherited Manhattan Island? The pirates stole the deed from—“
“Nevermind.”
“Read it on the internet. Trust me, it’s true!”
Becca walks over the sinks to wash her hands, a wild bog witch Bernadette Cacca appears.
“Do you know what time it is?”
“6pm”
Thanks!
“No, it’s only 4pm,” the self-righteous narcadoodle, shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture Carla Moran says to her daughter Bernadette as she sits down at the table to drink her coffee.
“It’s 6pm, look at my watch.”
“You watch is broke, that’s why you’re always late.”
“Look up there!” Bernadette points to the coffeehouse clock.
In walks a slender blonde woman wearing white-and-purple leggings and a purple-grey shirt.
“Ah, someone new to harass!” Becca thinks to herself.
The woman gets her cake slice and sits in front of Becca, back facing her.
“Hey, did you hear about those missing lawn ornaments, Gothic Diana Ross and her sisters been going round stealing.”
Sybil Kibble turns around.
“Oh hi boss!” Becca sinks back into her seat.
“Why didn’t you come into work today?”
“You have no right to ask me that. Our investigation will be brought forth. You will be in trouble for stealing lawn ornaments. Anybody who stands in the way of what we want to get will be punished.”
”That’s nice.”
“If you want to get right with us, you have to do what we say.”
“You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. Your contract is up this month. Go back to work. This is your final warning.”
Mrs. Frickfrick starts slamming her arms on the coffeehouse tables, slides her feet on the echo-y concrete, pirouhettes her way out the door shouting “I’m not coming baaack! Byyyyeeeeeeeee!”
“This is not an airport, no need to announce your departure,” Sybil Kibble deadpans.
The customers shake their heads and giggle.
A minute later, one of the baristas puts a hot coffee drink up onto the bar.
“Pumpkin Spice for Becca?”
Sybil just rolls her eyes and goes back to her paperwork.
MoronicArts 
You must be logged in to post a comment.