Kankakee bill collector Dale Davis wants to make dollars and cents with his boss, dog-food diner Sybil Kibble.
“I’m worth your time.”
— Dale Francis Davis.
Dale Davis Dreams of a Life With Sybil Kibble
Tag: silly
Sybil Can’t Fly.
It’s that time again.
Kankakee bill collector and dog-food connoisseur Sybil is so excited for the annual Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) Retreat in Hoboken, New Jersey, she can almost wet herself. However, she cannot fly. She does not want to fly, actually. It is not that she is afraid to fly; she just WON’T.
“I would rather take the train. That is the way to travel.” Miss Kibble barks to Mack E. Avelli, CRASS Chief.
“Do what you want. It will save the company money,” replies Mr. Avelli.
“Oh, I cannot wait! This is going to be so fun!” Sybil bursts out loud, as she runs around the office with great excitement. “I wonder what city I will see first? “Gary? Cleveland? DeMoranville? This is going to be AWE-some!” Sybil brags, while the rest of the office shake their collective heads, and sigh.
Sybil has been on her train for 14 hours. She has not slept all night. The woman behind her has been snoring and her toddler has been wailing like a banshee for the past hour.
An assistant conductor walks by. “Excuse me, what time will we be to Hoboken?”
“This train does not go to Hoboken. Your ticket says Newark.”
“What time, then?” snaps Sybil.
“We are running five hours behind.”
The train eventually pulls into Newark, after driving backward through a muddy lake, slowing for eight freight trains and stopping for six.
Sybil misses her shindig by two hours and takes the lonely train home, and her bragging rights with her.
This post brought to you by Aeroplane and the letters AA.
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Moronic Devices
New from MoronicArts Productions!
Houdini — The mobile phone that disappears into a new dimension whenever you look for it! You can only find the new Houdini when you are not looking for it. Look for the Houdini at a retailer near you, if you can find it!
KillJoy — The only mp3 player that changes tunes when it wants to, not you! Press its magic buttons and only guess what it may do. Maybe it will shut off, maybe it will switch functions, maybe nothing at all! The KillJoy mp3 player has also been known to steal souls. Use at your own risk.
Mr. Plopsy — This quad cane has a mind of its own! Built with four prongs at the bottom, your new cane will entertain for hours when it wibble-wobbles, then plops! Why get a stable cane when you can get Mr. Plopsy?
Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you!
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Moron of the Week: Another One Rides The Bus
This Karen, aptly named Karen per the passenger next to her, would not stop staring at me and my legs. Since she sat still long enough in her state of ennui, I drew her, tuning out Karen with my music.
Only then, did this Kareny Karen start to make demands. After I got a lot of the sketch done, I took off my headset, and heard Karen insist I stop drawing her. I advised Karen I would stop drawing if she stopped staring. Square deal, right?
But no! Karen made the conscious choice to gaslight me, insisting she was not staring and using the sense of entitlement at the level of your typical neighborhood Karen. She demanded I move my leg because “I was getting medicine all over the seat.” Yes, that invisible medicine you need special Karen powers to see, I had it all over my legs, my eyes, even inside my esophagus. Mmm-hmm.
Karen insisted she was right, after all, she said she 12 years experience in the medical field! I asked where she worked, Dr. Google?
Of course Karen refused to tell me and instead kept making demands, even complaining to the bus driver since the manager was not on board. The bus driver kept on driving, meanwhile Karen kept on Karening.
I award Karen Moron of the Week. No Triforce for you.
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Wanna Buy An Oil?
Doris Krabalsky is Kankakee town troll Leona Krabalsky’s younger sister who sells essential snake oils, investments you can sell your friends, stinky pink drinks, and other MLM products on the streets. Meet her at midnight. Or look for her ice cream…van.
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Upside Down You Turn Me
Local yokel and poor Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt has a huge crush on Gothic Diana Ross, lead singer from the Manteno band The Midnight Supremes.
Robbie stalks Diana on Fakebook and Utube, telling her she is the best diva on earth and she can be the boss of him anytime.
Do you think Diana is impressed?
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Wally Green’s New Vampyre Department
Drugstore-chain owner, wannabe ladies’ man, and wacky inventor Wally Green introduces a new service. Only available at night, he feels his customers will eternally benefit.
Now, at a Wally Green’s on a corner near you, get your blood taken by their new Vampyre Department! As an added bonus, Wally Green’s Vampyres will make sure to screw up your bill.
Wally Green’s regrets to inform our customers we temporarily suspended sales of garlic in our grocery department.
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Sybil Kibble’s Snack Savings
Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS), LLC buys up useless debt like they do penny stocks. The face of bill collector extraordinaire and dog food connoisseur Sybil Kibble lit up, grinning ear-to-ear when she got this coupon in the mail at her Kankakee McMansion. She bought them to have on her lunch break from interrupting the meals of strangers begging for money whether or not they owe it. Bone Appetit!
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Doris Is Ancient and She Drives An Ice Cream Van
Kankakee pyramid schemer Doris Krabalsky parks her van at a Wally World hoping to trick hungry kids and their parents into buying ice cream from her MLMmobile. Parents get mad because their kids were screaming for ice cream, not leggings. Doris fails to earn a single penny, so she broadcasts her ads on shortwave radio instead.
Needless to say, The Lincolnshire Poacher only brought Doris more trouble.
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Damien’s Mail-Order Bride
Damien Hurlbutt decides that it is getting too hard to pick up women in Kankakee County. Despite his most sincere offers of free movie tickets to the multiplex at which he works, all but one offer has been rejected; the lone acceptor has gone with her boyfriend instead of Damien. Damien takes his efforts to the World Wide Web.
“I know what women want” says this self-proclaimed nice guy on his dating profile, under his handle “NiceGuyGoodCatch4UChivalryisDead”.
Quoth his profile, “Women need men like me to hold doors open for them, pull out their chairs, and buy all kinds of gifts for them. I am that man. Men like me are endangered species. Where R U?”
Damien strokes his straggly, scratchy neckbeard, tips his fedora, and says “you know, I have an idea”. Meanwhile his coworkers are all staring at him wondering to whom he is talking.
Damien goes home and opens up his newest copy of Hoard Magazine. It took him almost an hour to unbury it from his pile of action figures, coloring books and dirty briefs. Damien turns to the back section, and reads over an advertisement he was thinking about while on the job:
“TIRED OF LOOKING? OUR WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR MEN LIKE YOU!
MAIL COMPLETED APPLICATION PLUS $50 FEE TO:
Fedora-Neckbeard M’Ladies By Mail
Box 69
666 Lord Byron Way
Hades, NY 11666
Attn: D. Gray
Damien jumped at the offer and mailed in his application with his payment.
Two weeks later, Damien gets a long, handwritten letter from a 20 year old lady from Vietnam named Ha. “You sound like such a gentleman. I cannot wait to meet you.” She includes a photo. Damien is smitten. Ha is the first lady to show interest in Damien!
The two write back and forth. Ha tells Damien she would spend 27 hours traveling just to meet him. He wants to call her but she has not given him her number. He asks her for it, not afraid to spend money to call someone he can shower with gifts, and hopefully meet and control someday. After all, Damien only cares about himself, and Damien thinks he is the only one deserving of love. He only cares about he, himself and Damien.
A month goes by and no word from Ha.
Damien checks the mail, hoping for a postcard. He has sent her one every day except for Sunday. He gets a letter. Damien growls.
The letter is addressed to Mr. Damien Hurlbutt.
“Dear Mr. Hurlbutt:
This letter is an attempt to collect a debt. Your payment to Fedora-Neckbeard M’Ladies By Mail has been rejected due to insufficient funds. Please pay the below amount immediately. Please keep in mind that movie tickets are not acceptable forms of payment.
Signed,
Ms. Sybil Kibble
Lead Collections Representative”
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