Tag: stoner humour

Peppi’s Water Pipe Dream

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

“Hey Diana! Check out this big, beautiful picture my Peppi smoked up for me!” Manteno entramanure, bog witch and communal narcadoodle Bernadette Cacca brags about the huge printout containing her likeness surrounded her bootlickers, to her neighbors Gothic Diana Ross and the Midnight Supremes.

“You’re holding it upside down.”

“What?”

“I saw Smokey Ashe, Undead Greg waiting in Hell’s in-processing line during my last internship. Lucy Furr was checking them in.”

“You’re not God, you know honey…” Gothic Mary smirks. The Midnight Supremes collectively snap their fingers, break into song and dance their way back to their Gothic Victorian home next door to the Caccas on Kant Street.

Shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture Carla Moran drops by for a visit. She flies into a tree again, then plops to the grass.

“Oh hi Mom! Look what Peppi made for my birthday month!”

“Oh-kay. Why are you pretending to be Jesus?”

“I know. I know. It’s really me using a Vulcan mind meld on aunt Sonya. I have not gotten a gig since she had flown the coop. I’m trying to revive my career!”

“You don’t even like Star Trek.”

“Yeah I do. I really love that Dr. Spock guy and his Jedi mind tricks,” a very confidently incorrect Bernadette plainly spits her alternative facts.

The Midnight Supremes share a giggle at Bernadette’s newest gaffe, Bernadette’s loud mouth wide open to catch a fly shrinks down to a shriveled grimace.

Then she farts.

MoronicArts Classics: Sybil’s Spit Machine, Bees & Lawnmower-Race Woes

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Kankakee bill-collector and dog-chow diner Sybil Katrina Kibble had left her lawn sprinkler spit-spit-spitting, too lazy to care about water conservation, while she drove her Chrysler LeBaron all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit-down lawnmower right before the race. Sybil insisted on winning the Annual Lawnmower Race.

Sadly, silly-billy Sybil lost the lawnmower race because she was too loopy from inhaling helium.

Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back home to Kankakee. However, she could not fly because she was too scared. This idea never got off the ground.

Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine went awry, flooding her entire lawn and that of neighbor Kitty Bee’s too!

Adding insult to injury, Sybil then she got chased by a swarm of angry kitties and bees! Poor Sybil.

She then left compete in Fire Truck racing with her Ma JoAnn! Ooh, what fun!!!

Six! That’s Six Moronic Years! Ah, Ah, Ah.

~ Jen ~ 4 Comments

We made it another year around the Sun. Thank you readers for ingesting these tall tales of the Moroniverse. Yum.

Bernadette Cacca is Going on a MoronQuest!

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

Bernadette “Bern” Cacca has driven to Okanagan, British Columbia, Canada to seek out the last known copy of “The Wonderful World of Dung.” 

Sidetracked, Bernadette goes on a Monster Quest: to find Ogopogo. Bern is hoping to mine some Craptocoin from its poop to make a special variety of Cryptidcoin called CraptoCryptidCoin. 

“I totally have to get a selfie with this monster.”

Hours pass, no sign of the legendary sea monster Ogopogo. 

“Hey, anybody got some Ogopogo poop? I want to make a sculpture outta it. I’m a famous content creator and influencer from Illinois!”

“Who?”

“Don’t you know who I am?”

The locals visiting the lake roll their eyes from one side to another, slowly.

A group of offended Canadians hoist the relentless Bernadette into a cannon and very politely yeet her from the premises. Bernadette is good at getting yeeted.

“Sorry,” the crowd chants as Bernadette flies far far away, and then they slow-clap for her performance.

“What was that thing?”

“Swamp witch?” The man scratches his head and the crowd disperses.

Bernadette calls the bootleg tape seller, Gary, on her smell-phone and meets up with him at a local poutine shop. 

“How much do you want for the tape?”

 “Three fiddy.” 

“Do you accept Craptocoin?”

“No, sorry, only cash. That’s how you pay for stuff, eh?”

Bernadette checks her pockets which come up empty.

Penniless and disappointed, the entramanure drives back home to Manteno, Illinois in the U S of A. She and her husband Peppi burn some poopies from the portapotties which Peppi had brought home from a job and emptied into a bonfire out back.

While watching the poopies gleam, Bernadette looks over at her stoner husband Peppi laughing his bum off at a video he is watching online using his phone.

“Git!”

“Oh honey, not now. Maybe later on.” Bern declines Peppi’s mating call.

“What are you watching?”

Bernadette looks over Peppi’s shoulder to read his PooTube screen: “The Wonderful World of Dung.” It had been posted a year ago.

Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]