Tag: utica

May the force of Entropy be with you: Wally Green

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Let the gleaming forces of entropy work for you…we mean us of course!

Are you disabled with an incurable brain disease and have trouble getting out to buy your your urgent lifesaving medications? Try Wally Green’s patented new Ghastlighting medication delivery alert program! This crappy idea was inspired by a certain pharmacy chain named after the Parkway in Utica. We might show up with your drugs, we might not and then say we did anyway! If you die, who cares? Call our confidently incorrect pharmacy technicians, we will just groupthink-lie and say you were not at home – like a dog licking its nads – because we can.

Wally asks, why use empathy, honestly and compassion when it’s easier to be a greedy, spineless moron instead?

By the way, ladies, he’s single! 5/3 MAGAts approve this message.

We are doing CONSTRUTION in all our stores to tighten up our aisles so we can overwhelm our shelves with even more useless crap, so we can increase your chances of winning a blow to the head, a stubbed toe or just maybe some sleevies might plop into your cart!

If you’re even (un)luckier, the plop factor could follow you home to knock over your phone, lose your keys or spill your coffee all over the floor!

Coming soon to your local Wally’s: Cat-GPT!

Let your cat walk across the keyboard, and Cat-GPT will invent all kinds of new slop you never knew you wanted! Have your cat enter our competition to invent new nonsense for all our stores to sell. Buy one, get one half off (but never free).

Not valid in Manteno, sorry.

Close your eyes…imagine our new WallyCard offer, now with a 69% UFO! Ask Wally in person for a date and he might lower your rate! Maybe…

Golden Moron Award: Dirty Deeds Done Dumb

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Someone, lawrd-only-knows-who, thought it would be cute to dump not one, but two plastic boxes of trash right on the green lawn of the Utica Parks Conservancy. This prize-winning behavior would make Oscar the Grouch blush.

For littering on the lawn of GreenUtica, I hereby award this muppet the Golden Moron Award. Just be sure to recycle it for the next nominee.

MHA – Moronic Half Assets

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Join Kankakee’s newest Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets, across the USA! Kankakee theatre owner and comedian Konrad Teirant joins his dumpster-clown wife, Madeline, in Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt’s clownmobile as they tour the country! See them before they leave their stop in Utica, New York!

MHA’s 2024 tour dates:

Champaign, IL: February 30

Kankakee, IL: February 31

Gary, IN: April 31

Toledo, OH: June 31

Utica, NY: September 31

Madeline Has a Complex, Alright

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Kankakee sociopath, slumlord and dumpster clown Madeline Topolla-Teirant gets a call from a loan shark scamvertising some kind of crap, hoping to take her up on the offer. That heat source, though…

Bern Cacca Has Met Her Match

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Manteno communal narcissist, swamp witch and poopyburner Bernadette Cacca has competition for the person with the crappiest behavior. She could spontaneously combust with jealousy over this news. Like a certain Kaitlin who crapped her pants at a party, Alen is #PoopingForBernadette

Madeline, You Tried.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Black text on a white background reading "All RESIDNTS…A vacancy exists on the Board of Commissioner position…"
Property Manager, traveling clown, and overt narcissist Madeline Topolla-Teirant wants all the “residnts” to know there exists a vacancy on the “Board of Commissioner position” at Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments. Right.

Moron of the Week: 7 Feb 21 – 13 Feb 21

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

I am so tired of these Ace Ebb landlords. These petless wonders around here think it is okay to discriminate against us pet parents. It is illegal to discriminate against parents of human children — who make bigger messes than my five year old tortoiseshell cat — and should be illegal to discriminate against us pet parents. My cat just sleeps on a blanket all day.

Our rental market is so bleak for us poor folks, men create listings looking to give a break on the rent in return for “fun.” Last I knew these quid pro quo arrangements were illegal. Considering the bad things landlords around here get away with — both public and private ones — I am not surprised.

Also, thank the owners of the complexes charging $1000.00 – 2000.00 USD for so-called “luxury apartments” in a depressed area, during the middle of a freaking pandemic.

For taking advantage of people, I award the Utica area slumlords and rent-sharks Moron of the Week. You deserve it.

Madeline Clowns Around

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Kankakee slumlord, cheapskate and overt narcissist Madeline Topolla-Teirant is trying to get her life back in balance during her Moronic Half-Assets (MHA) cross-country tour, coming soon to Utica, New York!

Fat clown balances on a ball while juggling, falls off