Tag: vss

A La Knuckle Sandwiches

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Gothic Diana Ross, leader of the Manteno-based cover group The Midnight Supremes, is getting tired of her next-door neighbor Bernadette Cacca peeling out of her driveway, blasting her accordion, and stinking up the air by burning poopies. Diana wants to have a word with Bernadette, who is polishing her wall-mounted Turd Machine, and walks over after she finishes making her poo-shooter shine.

“You have a very punchable face.” Gothic Diana Ross tells Bernadette.

“I have a beautiful face? Aww, thanks. I get that a lot.”

“A punchable face you dipstick. Come here, I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich.”

“Thanks! I love to eat!” a wide-eyed Bernadette exclaims with glee, mouth hanging open until she gets punched by Miss Ross. 

64K Ought To Be Enough

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee mother, squirrel-chaser and school-bus-parts-enthusiast JoAnn Kibble found this stunner of a vehicle at a Manteno dealer, a real steal with only 64K miles! All of Kankakee County will surely hear her coming down the road, and up it, too! Hurry up JoAnn, before Bern Cacca buys it for the farty-horns!

Dale Holds His Pants…

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Poor Dale. They closed the men’s washrooms at Cinema-13 in Bourbonnais, and he has to go realllly badly after drinking all that overpriced pop. After 20 minutes waiting outside the only family stall, he begins to grumble: “What did they do, fall in?”

Tiny twin sister act The Favorites continue talking amongst themselves, flushing repeatedly to make it sound like they need to use the facilities for something other than wasting the time of the pained folks waiting outside in line, Dale’s pants dropping from his legs wiggling. Those little turds.

MoronicArts Classics: Come Fry With Me

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Bourbonnais neckbeard and communal narcadoodle Damien Hurlbutt sent out rambling smear letters after he went off the deep end, years ago when his former wife Lori left him to escape his psychological abuse.

Spontaneous Moronic Combustion

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Oopsie Poopsie, Lefty Lucy!

Hell’s in-processing clerk Lucy Furr, notorious for bullying an autistic girl on the class trip to Italy, rips a fart while waiting for the newly damned to arrive.

It’s a NULL from me.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) Chief of Information Technology, Fernando T. Perez, wants drive to the office here in Kankakee and show off his new vanity plate. Sadly, he shows up late to his job managing the Enigma Machines attached to birdcages. Find out why in this video:

Needs More Butt Trumpet

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

“This song needs more farty sounds.”

“Isn’t it groovy?” Kankakee Elvis impersonator and wannabe ladies’ man Robbie Hurlbutt asks his brother-in-narcissism Damien who loves to brag about his toot-a-lage.

“I only like the fart parts.”

This Mission Is Yours, Robbie, Should You Choose To Accept It.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

A very short story about a vulnerable narcadoodle, Wally Green’s clerk, and Elvis impersonator from Kankakee named Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt.

Robbie will self-destruct in five seconds.

Thank you to blogger Molly Shea for the idea!

Hunka Cheese

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt — who believes he is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley — is number one in his own bathroom. Don’t lock him in.