Tag: walgreens

Robbie Hurlbutt: A Hot Mess

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, November 17th, was Wally Green’s store clerk, Elvis impersonator and covert narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt’s birthday.

“Are you hosting anyone for Thanksgiving?”” Wally asked Robbie.

“No, my table is rather small.”

“How about your birthday?”

Robbie spied a discounted flower bouquet and rang it up himself to ensure he got his employee discount, not caring that it was against company policy.

“I bought myself these flowers to put on my tiny table.”

The smallest violin played over the store intercom.

In walked Robbie’s number one crush, Gothic Diana Ross, whom Robbie had a history of relentlessly stalking.

“Diana, it’s my birthday and I want to give YOU these roses if you spend it with me.”

Unimpressed, Diana knocked the bouquet to the floor and walked away.

“Be sure to clean up that mess,” Wally Green tells his subordinate.

“Diana, I spent all that money on you, and you just threw my love away,” Robbie said to try and guilt-trip the singer and leader of the Midnight Supremes.

Diana giggled and walked out the door.

CRASS Collectors Double Down Coffees.

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Dale Davis Doubles Down on Debt

Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) partnered with drugstore chain Wally Green’s to offer coffees to all collectors who doubled down on debt. Never settling for less, CRASS collectors ask creditors for twice they can afford. As a reward, drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green gave all collectors who made their Double-Down quota one cup of coffee Buy One Get One Half Off (But Never Free).

Isn’t Wally generous? He thinks so.

Wally Green Bores His Date

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments
An older man boring his younger date at a bar table.

Happy Hour is anything but happy for the date sitting with Kankakee barfly, wacky inventor and wannabe-ladies-man, Wally Green. Wally tells the pretty lady boring tall tales about his family almost getting the deed to Manhattan until pirates stole it, the time one of the Men In Black pulled up to his car at an Illinois fast-food store, and how he almost made the cut for American Inventor.

Moronic Devices

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New from MoronicArts Productions!

Houdini — The mobile phone that disappears into a new dimension whenever you look for it! You can only find the new Houdini when you are not looking for it. Look for the Houdini at a retailer near you, if you can find it!

KillJoy — The only mp3 player that changes tunes when it wants to, not you! Press its magic buttons and only guess what it may do. Maybe it will shut off, maybe it will switch functions, maybe nothing at all! The KillJoy mp3 player has also been known to steal souls. Use at your own risk.

Mr. Plopsy — This quad cane has a mind of its own! Built with four prongs at the bottom, your new cane will entertain for hours when it wibble-wobbles, then plops! Why get a stable cane when you can get Mr. Plopsy?

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you!

Wally Green’s New Vampyre Department

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Image: a black-and-white cartoon of a middle aged man wearing a vampire costume in a drugstore. Text reads: "Vampyre Department at Wally Green's."

Drugstore-chain owner, wannabe ladies’ man, and wacky inventor Wally Green introduces a new service. Only available at night, he feels his customers will eternally benefit.

Now, at a Wally Green’s on a corner near you, get your blood taken by their new Vampyre Department! As an added bonus, Wally Green’s Vampyres will make sure to screw up your bill.

Wally Green’s regrets to inform our customers we temporarily suspended sales of garlic in our grocery department.

You’re In My Seat

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A full-colour cartoon set in a dim bar. A bald, bespectacled heavyset elderly gentleman sits alone at the bar until a very large man walks over toward him.

Alone at the bar after a hard day thinking up useless inventions, Kankakee drugstore owner and tall-tale-teller Wally Green slowly sips his beer hoping a pretty lady would walk in wearing a big smile. Think again, Wally.

Wally Cooks Up Wacky Inventions

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A black-and-white cartoon of an elderly man sitting at a table covered in mechanical parts, test tubes and a drink. Framed pictures can be seen in the background containing text: "Feel The Power Award. FT Power; Bunghole Business; I love Kankakee."


Winner of the prestigious FT Power award and proud member of the Bunghole Business Bureau, Illinois drugstore founder Wally Green loves attending award assemblies!

Look what Wally invented now:


CrapStraps
These bag straps are specially designed longer than they need to be, so they get caught on everything! Why get regular straps when you can get CrapStraps! Coming soon: StrangleTangles!


SpyTV
Are you stuck on the couch, watching the idiot box? Do you talk to your TV? Get the television that talks back! SpyTV randomly listens to your speech, so it can interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, just to sell you crap you mentioned! Upgrade and get our deluxe model that spies on your thoughts!


Magic Closing Doors
Do you hate it when a door stays open? Do you like getting your leg severed? Try our magic closing doors for your car. Old or new, we have a Magic Closing Door just for you!

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you, home of the 50% off (but never free) sale! We just graded our parking lots to make it easier for our carts to hit your vehicle!

Coming Soon to a Wally Green’s Near You!

~ Jen ~ 10 Comments
Black-and-white cartoon drawing of a drugstore,

Toe Stubberies
Do you like pain? These might look like rollers, but these metal cylinders are designed to give you extra toe-stubbage! Perfect for your bedframe or office chair.

Extra Ploppety Pills
Do you like it when things fall? Increase your plop factor using the power of entropy mixed into every pill you swallow! Now when you visit Wally Green’s Pharmacy Department, be sure to ask for our patented ingredient!

No More Cord Tangles
Pour on your electronics cords to get the tangles out! This liquid works best when your devices are plugged in.

What will Deerfield, Illinois born drugstore owner, barfly and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green invent next?

Bernadette Cacca Found Her New Best Friend.

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Communal narcissist and poopie-burner Bernadette Cacca wants to go find this chick and shoot poopies at Gothic Diana Ross out her turd machine together.

https://www.distractify.com/p/kaitlin-bennett-exposed-passed-out-drunk

#PoopingForKaitlin

Wally Green’s Early Concept Designs

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At age 12, Kankakee inventor of useless crap and future drugstore owner put on his thinking cap to draw up some rather…interesting concept sketches for an invention he started selling on late night TV. Yeah.