How to Avenge Scammers and Telemarketers (Updated Version)

– Ask them if they’ve got beer.

– Start speaking in tongues.

– Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is their new number.

– Tell them that you’re not there right now.

– Ask them if they accept coupons.

– Start selling them something else.

– If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead.

– Start preaching your religion to them.

– Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.

– Try to hypnotise the caller.

– Play a recording of a busy signal.

– Put on some really annoying music and put your phone up to the stereo.

– Ask the caller if they are single. Then try hitting on them. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.

– Use a voice changer to disguise your voice.

– Rap all your replies to the caller’s questions.

– Ask the caller if they mind if you talk to them on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly. (If you’ve ever used this kind of ketchup, you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)

– Speak in ragga chant.

– Try to rhyme with everything the caller says.

– Tell the caller that the person they are trying to reach is a victim of black magic and was turned into a poodle.

– Tell the caller that the person they are trying to reach has passed away, and that you’re the ghost of them.

– Sell them on the “value of high colonics”. Explain your “dedication to good health” in your most convincing, passionate voice.

See where this listicle was referenced by Kirk Cameron and his buddy Ray Comfort!

Security is a Good Thing – Dale’s Intro From 2017


Dale Francis Davis moved to Kankakee, IL from Snowflake, AZ to seek work after his relationship with Juli-Irma went sour.

His two year engagement with his dear poopiehead, and fellow Snowflake, Juli-Irma went downhill rather quickly when Miss Juli figured out dear Dale’s tablet and mobile telephone password, “password.” In a fit of jealous rage, she discovered that he had one contact other than his mother and his buddies from the town saloon, a Sybil Kibble, and blocked her promptly.

She then destroyed both devices by throwing them in the toilet, perplexed why they did not go down the bowl when she flushed.

A few days later, Dale hit the road to interview for his new position as a Collections Representative at Collections Recovery Associates (CRASS) in Kankakee, IL. He pulled out his new phone and confirmed the time. Today was the first day of the rest of his life.
Dale thanked Ms. Sybil Kibble for the offer, shook her hand and gladly accepted the job.

Top Ten Stupid Ways to Annoy People

  1. Write to classified ads from 25 years ago. Personal ads a plus.
  2. Forward those survey emails get when you give away your info at the store to all your friends in your contact list.
  3. Call 1-900 chat lines and ask for pizza.
  4. Burn girlie magazines in the fireplace. When the owner of the magazines sees what you’re doing and gets mad, tell him that you ran out of firewood and didn’t want to freeze.
  5. Wish somebody a happy birthday in the paper when it’s not their birthday. Better yet, make up names (and try to rhyme).
  6. Speak in tongues to telemarketers.
  7. Ring the doorbell at a stranger’s house right when they show the Publisher’s Clearing House van pull up on TV on the day they pick the winner. Then run away as fast as possible.
  8. Pronounce company initials and vowel-less acronyms as whole words.
  9. Call up companies and ask if they’re “hearing”. When they ask you what you’re talking about, ask if you can get an “aphlication”.
  10. Drive a motorcycle up your parents’ stairs when they’re trying to sleep.

Sybil’s Dog Food Dilemma

“Oh snap, that’s the last bite!” Kankakee debt collector Sybil Kibble exclaims as she shakes the now-empty bag of dog food, and turns it upside down. “I am really hungry too.”

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Sybil hops in her white Chrysler LeBaron and drives down to Wally Green’s drugstore. As soon as she steps through the door, demoted pharmacy clerk who thinks he is Elvis, Robbie Hurlbutt greets her. 

“What can I help you find today?”

“Do you have any Dog Chow?”

“We are fresh out.”

Sybil exits, walks by Robbie’s purple clown car with a giggle and gets behind the wheel of her LeBaron.

Sybil parks in the “Expectant Mothers Only” space at Schmucks grocery store and walks in. “Who is going to know I am in menopause anyway?” Sybil says to herself as she walks through the automatic door.

After a thorough combing of the pet food aisle, Sybil comes up empty. She hopes the third time is a charm, and drives over to Bucketheads hardware store.

After walking past the 11% off everything sign, Sybil hopes to save big money on dog food, which she usually scores toward the back of the store. However she strikes out yet again. 

Sybil gets on her smart phone after exiting the store and calls Wally Green’s 1-800 customer service number. After spending 45 minutes in the on-hold abyss, the call disconnects. She tries two more times and her call gets disconnected immediately.

Sybil walks back into Wally Green’s to try and figure out what is going on. She asks to speak to the Manager on Duty. “I am sorry you are having trouble reaching our customer care line. Our representatives are trained to keep hanging up on all callers until the queue is gone.”

Angered, Sybil Kibble needs to do something to relax. She picks up a newspaper and reads the headline: “Nationwide Dog Food Shortage.” Sybil slams down the paper and storms out, heading to the local bar. “I need a drink,” Sybil mumbles to herself.

Sybil sits down at the bar. Before the bartender can even wait on her, barfly and notorious ladies’ man Wally Green emerges.

“Hey babe!”

“Oh, hi Wally.”

“Can I buy you a drink, hon?”

Sybil accepts because she is cheap.

Wally begins to bore Sybil with his tall tales about his family almost having inherited most of Manhattan Island.

Sybil interrupts Wally’s rambling:

“Hey, why are your stores out of dog food anyway? I am so hungry.”

“Oh yeah, I have a secret stash at my house. Wanna go back to my place?”

Sybil looks Wally in the eye sporting a devilish grin.

The pair arrive at Wally’s McMansion. Wally offers wine, she declines.

Wally starts to bore Sybil about his road trip to Florida as he really likes the heat.

Sybil interrupts and asks about dinner. 

Wally offers to cook her a romantic meal. Sybil agrees with excitement.

“It will be a surprise. I know you will love it!”

Visions of dog bones dance in Sybil’s head. Wally emerges from the kitchen with a plate full of gefilte fish, and Sybil almost pukes. 

“You’re not impressed?” Wally asks.

“Umm, no I eat dog food.”

“You’re a bill collector. Makes sense. If you stop calling my store, I will give you some cans of Alpo.”

“That’s my favorite kind!” Sybil exclaims. “But I won’t take you off my list. You owe us too much money.”

“Then will you kiss me?”

Sybil gags and dashes out Wally’s McMansion, back to her own, where she settles for cat food instead.