Under The Bridge

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
A full-color illustration of an older lady running underneath a dingy bridge. Graffiti text reads: "Robbie", "Damien" and an anarchy symbol can be seen drawn onto the underpass wall.

Town troll Leona Krabalsky runs from under her bridge between Kankakee and Bourbonnais after Manteno sociopath and port-a-potty entremanure Peppi Cacca confronts her for selling fake drugs. Peppi brags he has “ARI: Armed Redneck Insurance.”

Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]

If social media platforms had dating profiles…

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Youtube

Location: San Bruno, California

Politically I am:

The copyright police. Wooo-wooo, don’t go to jail now!

About me:

Due process, what’s that?

I am good at:

Kissing up to the MPAA and RIAA, altering statistics for the heck of it

I am known for:

Knocking down content based off accusations alone; installing annoying commercials with cranked up sound effects and bad, bouncy, boingity music before as many videos as possible. I am not attractive among most of my peers, nor most people on the planet.

Twitter

Location: San Francisco, California

About me:

Tweet tweet!

I am good at:

Saying things very quickly. See, that was fast!

I am known for:

The 45th President of the USA and his tiny hands. He is my best customer!

Facebook

Location: Menlo Park, California

Politically I am:

Extremely conservative

About me:

I will tell you only what I want you to know. Shrouded in mystery, I have no support system and I am not good at answering messages.

I am good at:

Giving you updates on stuff you don’t want and not giving you the updates you want.

I am known for:

Useless changes and telling you the same story over and over again. I do not like nudity. Violence is okay.

Top Ten Stupid Ways to Annoy People

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
  1. Write to classified ads from 25 years ago. Personal ads a plus.
  2. Forward those survey emails get when you give away your info at the store to all your friends in your contact list.
  3. Call 1-900 chat lines and ask for pizza.
  4. Burn girlie magazines in the fireplace. When the owner of the magazines sees what you’re doing and gets mad, tell him that you ran out of firewood and didn’t want to freeze.
  5. Wish somebody a happy birthday in the paper when it’s not their birthday. Better yet, make up names (and try to rhyme).
  6. Speak in tongues to telemarketers.
  7. Ring the doorbell at a stranger’s house right when they show the Publisher’s Clearing House van pull up on TV on the day they pick the winner. Then run away as fast as possible.
  8. Pronounce company initials and vowel-less acronyms as whole words.
  9. Call up companies and ask if they’re “hearing”. When they ask you what you’re talking about, ask if you can get an “aphlication”.
  10. Drive a motorcycle up your parents’ stairs when they’re trying to sleep.

Madeline, You Tried.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Black text on a white background reading "All RESIDNTS…A vacancy exists on the Board of Commissioner position…"
Property Manager, traveling clown, and overt narcissist Madeline Topolla-Teirant wants all the “residnts” to know there exists a vacancy on the “Board of Commissioner position” at Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments. Right.

The Narcissist Brothers – Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
A black and white drawing featuring concentric circles, a cartoon of an Elvis impersonator and a neckbeard wearing a fedora. Text: Robbie, Damien. Old Supply, New Supply. You Got It, We Want It. Robbie and Damien
New Supply, Old Supply — You Got It, We Want it.

They know what they want, and they want it right now!

Call D. U. Hurlbutt at 500-FART-NOW

New Page For Previous Winners – Moron of the Week

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Mathman got all problems right and beat the pesky Mr. Glitch.

There are more morons out there, so Morons of the Week will be awarded in a separate post.

If you would like to thank the Academy for the real winners who won before, please see our archive: https://moronicarts.com/moron-of-the-week/

A Dale and a Dream

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A black-and-white cartoon of a middle aged man sitting in his kitchen, scratching lottery tickets.

CRASS debt collector Dale Davis finally got his economic stimulus check, so he made a big donation to the Illinois State Lottery.

Happy Easter from MoronicArts!

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Black-and-white cartoon of three women sitting next to a squirrel.

Happy Easter from JoAnn, Sybil and PJ. What are you doing today? The Kankakee crew are squirrel-watching.