Dysfunctional family portrait starring the Hurlbutts: Robbie, PJ and Damien. Merry Christmas from Kankakee County!
Hurlbutt Holiday Cheer
Tag: cartoon
Let’s Go, Brandon
Brandon Dixon, wannabe ladies’ man and owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines, parks his overly lifted and crudely decorated truck in a grocery store parking lot. Since the truck gives him such an ego-boost, and Brandon plain does whatever the heck he wants, he takes up two spaces.
Brandon continues to swipe right on his phone, hoping to introduce a single lady to his compensationmobile. Meanwhile, he hopes his massive truck attracts some attention from “the females” as Brandon calls them.
The sun goes down, and Brandon is still waiting for his first catch. A stern voice is heard from a person approaching him and his vehicle.
“Let’s go, Brandon!”
“Yeah, let’s go Brandon! Vote red all the way!” Brandon replies.
“No, I mean let’s go. Your truck is taking up two parking spaces and the store is closed. Leave or I will have to write you a ticket,” the lady cop expounds.
Needless to say, no matter how much size matters, Brandon’s huge truck impresses not a single soul.
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I’m On Every Channel!
Manteno moron, port-o-dump proprietor and attention-seeker Bern Cacca is in awe of herself as she watches the televisions at the electronics store. This commercial advertising her and her Peppi Cacca rap about doing their business at Peppi’s Portapotties is displaying on all screens at once. A sales clerk approaches the mesmerized Bernadette, only to get brushed off. So in love with her own image, Bern fails to reflect upon the fact that she is only on TV because she paid to advertise.
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Robbie Hurlbutt: A Hot Mess
Yesterday, November 17th, was Wally Green’s store clerk, Elvis impersonator and covert narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt’s birthday.
“Are you hosting anyone for Thanksgiving?”” Wally asked Robbie.
“No, my table is rather small.”
“How about your birthday?”
Robbie spied a discounted flower bouquet and rang it up himself to ensure he got his employee discount, not caring that it was against company policy.
“I bought myself these flowers to put on my tiny table.”
The smallest violin played over the store intercom.
In walked Robbie’s number one crush, Gothic Diana Ross, whom Robbie had a history of relentlessly stalking.
“Diana, it’s my birthday and I want to give YOU these roses if you spend it with me.”
Unimpressed, Diana knocked the bouquet to the floor and walked away.
“Be sure to clean up that mess,” Wally Green tells his subordinate.
“Diana, I spent all that money on you, and you just threw my love away,” Robbie said to try and guilt-trip the singer and leader of the Midnight Supremes.
Diana giggled and walked out the door.
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Hunka Cheese
Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt — who believes he is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley — is number one in his own bathroom. Don’t lock him in.
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Move Over Damien!
Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt is happy to finally have a new girlfriend to impress with his lovebombing of gifts, Miss Rachel Shelley of Detroit. Too bad for him, he cannot see the thought bubble next to him, as she dreams about her other lover, Kankakee druggie Leon Peeonne.
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Memories of Green
Ahh…memories. This photo Sybil had taken outside this lovely café on LaSalle Street, where she had kicked Damien Hurlbutt in the jimmies for stalking her and harassing his ex-wife Lori, has been viewed by more than 20K people. Hopefully he will wear his mask next time instead of acting like a male Karen, and stop hoovering.
Sybil and Lori thank you!
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CRASS Collectors Double Down Coffees.
Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) partnered with drugstore chain Wally Green’s to offer coffees to all collectors who doubled down on debt. Never settling for less, CRASS collectors ask creditors for twice they can afford. As a reward, drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green gave all collectors who made their Double-Down quota one cup of coffee Buy One Get One Half Off (But Never Free).
Isn’t Wally generous? He thinks so.
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Home Shopping Channels and Chill
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Home Shopping Channel is about to show a whole hour of carpeting! I get to watch m’ladies walk on them BAREFOOT!” Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt exclaims, drools.
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Butt, Is It Art?
Forty-something communal narcadoodle, show-tunes singer for charity and poopyburner Bern Moran Cacca made a TakTik video confessing her love for fellow pooper GG Allin, hoping to send it to him in private, only to realize he has been dead since 1993.
#PoopingForBernadette
MoronicArts 
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