Tag: coffeehouse

Poopcorn

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

In walks Bern Cacca holding hands with her new lover, JB The Turd Burglar. Since her hubby Peppi is living in a half-way house, Bern thinks it is okay to date other men, including fellow communal narcadoodle Damien Hurlbutt. After all, what Peppi does not know won’t hurt him, thinks the self-proclaimed community pillar of excellence and Queen of the Porcelain Throne.

The Manteno moron spies her next-door-neighbor, Gothic Diana Ross, minding her own business drinking a caramel latte. Of course, Bern thinks it is cute to flex, as if Diana cares. “JB whispered in my ear some awesome news!” Diana rolls her eyes and looks away, keeping her mild amusement hidden beneath her stoic visage.

“Someone re-made the show ‘The Wonderful World of Dung’ and we are gonna watch it tonight!”

Diana changes her mind about eating the delicious Buckstars popcorn she had just bought.

Hobbies Are Important

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

“Excuse me Miss. I have something important to tell you.”

The 4’6″ Kankakee pyramid-schemer Doris Krabalsky stares down 5’11”, athletic Gothic Diana Ross who is minding her own business, drinking iced coffee at a table across the café.

“Yeah…no”

“There’s a cure for that,” Doris verbally spams Diana as she rubs her arms to suggest something was “wrong” with the medium-skinned singer’s limbs.

“These are tattoos, you idiot.”

The angered leader of the Midnight Supremes pauses and then delivers some important information to Doris.

“There is a cure for nosiness. It is called getting a hobby.”

The scared fool Doris leaves the café in silence, just in time to avoid getting a knuckle-sandwich delivered straight to her pie-hole, courtesy of Diana.

Memories of Green

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Ahh…memories. This photo Sybil had taken outside this lovely café on LaSalle Street, where she had kicked Damien Hurlbutt in the jimmies for stalking her and harassing his ex-wife Lori, has been viewed by more than 20K people. Hopefully he will wear his mask next time instead of acting like a male Karen, and stop hoovering.

Sybil and Lori thank you!

Moron Kombat

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Communal narcissist and poopyburner Bern Cacca decides to shed her squeaky-clean facade a bit and try posing for OnlyFarts.

Bored with the lack of attention and revenue from her side-hustle, Bern heads out to the Bourbonnais Buckstars café to grab a cuppa mud. Ennui took over; Bern sat around hoping customers would recognize the wannabe celebrity that is THE Bernadette Cacca, charity singer and Port-O-Dump Proprietor. Nope.

In walks Gothic Diana Ross, local singer and Bern’s next-door-neighbour.

“You walked by Peppi and I and did not even say hi?”

Ennui took over Bern, as Diana heads toward the café bar to place her order, so she starts making up crap to try and smear her, hoping customers might just overhear her.

“Meet me outside” Bern whispers to Diana as she opens the coffeehouse door to exit.

Not wanting to cause a scene, Diana rightfully ignores Bern egging her on.

Bern follows Diana outside and starts hurling insults about her singing.

“You sing like a dying cow!” Bern screams to Diana as she lunges toward her.

Moron Kombat begins. Gothic Diana Ross knocks out Bern Cacca with one blow to her turd-eating piehole and walks to her car, not a drop of coffee spilled, unlike the bulbous Bernadette Cacca whose spilled hers all over the pavement.

Lucy Furr Visits Hell’s Coffeehouse

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Image: Full color cartoon of a coffeehouse. A large woman wearing a pink outfit can be seen in the foreground, and a green ogre behind the coffee bar. text reads "Level 9 Hell. Hell's Cafe."

During her 99-hour shift, Hell’s in-processing clerk Lucy Furr heads down to the 9th Circle to grab some joe so she can stay awake. “I would like an extra large latte with Irish Cream” Lucy tells the barista.

“We do not have Irish Cream” the barista advises Lucy.

“Okay, I’ll get an iced red-eye with extra shots.”

“Don’t you know where we are? We don’t served iced coffees.”

“Oh. Can I just get a cup of whatever you have? And make it fast. I need to go back to work.”

“We don’t serve coffee in Hell.”

“Then, what do you serve?” an angered Lucy asks the ogre working the counter.

“Misery. Satan put up this pretend coffeehouse to fake out the damned.”